How not to become “the difficult parent“? Reflections of the mother / child
as the preface. Beginning this article I already almost feel how stones fly to me. At once I want to tell - I both the parent, and the child therefore in a varying degree I can understand both parties. I from anybody demand nothing. All people different, at many of us various approaches to the relations in general and to the relations with children in particular. And results different, even at identical approaches.
But, maybe, my thoughts will help someone if not to agree with the children then it is better to understand them. In my opinion, in the relations with children, adults or not really, it is important to follow the following rules:
Rule No. 1. Prichinno - investigative communication
It, perhaps, most important and the most difficult in a question of how to raise children and as with them to behave - to keep in mind prichinno - investigative communication between your education and its result. Aiming at something, the person always has to imagine two things accurately: ultimate goal and methods of its achievement. Alas, concerning education, parents sometimes make a serious mistake - imagining the purpose, they absolutely forget about methods. Moreover, sometimes the purpose one, and methods conduct to absolutely opposite. And then claims begin.
Reflect: whether it is worth being surprised to the fact that your child is dependent, irresponsible and is not able to show an initiative, to make the choice if you never gave the real choice in life to it. I emphasize - the real choice since parents sometimes manage to give the choice without the choice. For example, to allow the child to choose only from options which suit parents. Or the choice in style: you can choose banana or apple, but we will convince you then that is necessary to choose apple.
Rule No. 2. Do not create debts
Is clear, all of us want that children were closer to us, paid attention, respected our opinion. Such desire, apparently, only grows with age, and is the strongest - on pension when life runs by us, the feeling of backwardness, boredom, loneliness begins. Also there is a wish to call children for their filial duty sometimes (and to someone it is constant). But is not necessary, to make constant impression at children that they everything have to us. To ourselves worse we will make.
Somehow one all the favourite and successful person told about a secret of the success: “I never said to the person that he has no taste, listened to all and never borrowed anything to nobody“. Always are negative to the one who is had to. Try to borrow at somebody large (for you) a bag of money. How you will treat the person? The reason will convince you that you are guilty, but feelings all the same will be slightly rotten. And so happens not only to monetary debts.
Rule No. 3. Do not try to protect from mistakes
Ya I think, almost all parents want to protect children from all mistakes which they made in the past. So there is a wish to care for the child, to protect him from pain and disappointments. But think of the following: without having allowed the son or the daughter to make a mistake, clear for you, you do not give it the chance to learn what is a mistake as to avoid it and how to reduce consequences of its commission. You do not solve for it a problem of mathematics even if would get to the core of it in a couple of minutes. You will not always be near, and not all mistakes which your child will happen to make are familiar to you.
With mistakes - as with bans: it is necessary to apply the power only when there is a real threat of life and to health. Agree, drug addiction and drunk driving are one, and the choice of friends or the wife - absolutely another. And still. There are such parents that resort to one artful reception. At first warn, then allow to make a mistake, and then speak (when with care when with superiority): “I spoke to you!“ Never so do
! To the person and it is so bad. Think also of its feelings. And about the future. Doing such insinuations, the ego you, perhaps, also you will amuse, and here you will trample the child in the bottom of a self-assessment. And when hit a man when he is down, he it will forgive nobody. Even the closest.
Rule No. 4. Do not embody dream in children
Especially mothers sin with it. Men are, as a rule, simpler and further themselves do not go. They understand that from the fact that someone another realizes their dream, they will not feel that delight which would be felt, having embodied it in reality independently.
Obligatory school of early development, “that he(she) reached heights which are unattainable for me“. To send the son to music school only because in the childhood wanted and opportunities were not. To press on the son (daughter) that he played equestrian sport (soccer, figure skating etc.) because parents did not resolve. The list can be continued indefinitely.
Stop and reflect. You embody the dreams in the child. Great. And you thought where at the same time its own disappear? In the same obscurity and a dissatisfaction which burns also you. You generate a dangerous tendency of misfortune and not executed dream which can be transferred by generations. Think of the parents. Perhaps and they embodied something in you? And how you felt? You want it to the child?
Rule No. 5. Do not insist on the correctness
Such is property of the person: giving advice and manuals, showing goodwill, we seldom think of side effects. As a rule, the parent for the child more influential person, than the child for the parent. And councils of parents I can affect a lot of things in the child`s life including it is negative. Especially, when parents are forgotten. You do not trust? You descend in court and look how many stains at us with such reasons: “For it only her mother - the authority, and I at it on backs“ or “To me bothered to be at war with his mother for his attention and respect“.
There is nothing bad in transferring to the child the wisdom. But in everything self-checking is important. The person - a being of a habit, and single councils (if properly not to think over them) can develop into the constant pressure where it is necessary and where it is not necessary very quickly. And in terrible offenses if do not hold your opinion with an accuracy of millimeter. All bad habits, from a spletnichestvo to a sadism, begin with the fact that tried 1 - 2 time - and it was pleasant. And it is much more difficult to find control over itself again, than to keep it right at the beginning. And at times it is also impossible. I am personally familiar with some people who in everything should establish “truth“. That the last word at any cost was behind them. Such people also are unfortunate, and make the life miserable of the environment. It is necessary to you?
Governed the most important. Respect!
Without respect of people does not exist. If the person is not respected (as the certain person, but not the annex to themselves) as he tries to deserve such respect, it has two exits - or to become a weak-willed rag, or as much as possible to avoid a disrespect source. What of options suits you? I think, any. And to begin to respect the child it is better as soon as possible. Then it will be easier for both him, and you. And he at the right time to you will listen because he is not afraid of you because for it you are a friend, the partner, a stone wall on which it is possible to lean, but the source of guardianship and requirements which is not imposed from above.
From the personal experience (only personal, I ask to notice): I found out that it is much easier to raise the child when to him you treat not as object of education, not as some small being, and as to the adult. Well, from me the direction, explanations, somewhere bans still is necessary. Yes, not all subjects are clear to it. But the child becomes far more clear, closer at once, and how to treat him, becomes obvious to each case at once. And how not to dissolve itself in cares of the child. And how to give it the choice, not to fall into hyper guardianship. And all the rest too.
Now you can throw stones.