What to us prevents to build the harmonious relations? The Sozavisimy behavior of
If to tell simply, codependence is a dependence in the relations from each other. Relatives live life not, and lives of close people. Everyone stays in confidence, that “he (she“) is worth changing the behavior, and “to me it will become good“.
At the same time nobody thinks of own influence on the life. Responsibility for all events, for feelings, feelings, moods is shifted to the family (on the partner).
Wikipedia defines codependence as the pathological state which is characterized by a deep preoccupation and strong emotional, social or even physical dependence on other person. The Sozavisimy person, having allowed behavior of other person to influence it, it becomes completely absorbed by to control actions of this other person, and thus to regulate own state .
Happiness in the sozavisimy relations is utopian by definition. Nobody for you can live your destiny. Nobody will grant your desires as you want it. The one who lays hope for the happiness, good luck, success on another will never achieve the objectives.
According to the estimates of foreign experts, from codependence in a varying degree, not less than 90% of the population suffer. By their estimates, codependence can be cured. Opinions of our psychiatrists (notice, this not only psychologists, but also psychiatrists deal with a problem) disperse. One say that codependence is almost incurable. Others incline that it can be cured, but only at desire of the patient and by means of highly qualified specialists. In our country of highly qualified, real specialists it is not enough, and it is difficult to find them.
It is considered to be that codependence takes roots where there are dependences (harmful addictions) on something. Dependence often is associated with a drinking habit or to drugs. It means that if in your family (or in your sort) there are, for example, alcoholics, then you are a sozavisimy person.
Proceeding from what such “unfounded“ assertion is made? Argument simple. The normal person, having faced alcoholism, once leaves the relations forever. The Sozavisimy person does not leave. Or leaves one harmful relations, but in others. And constantly makes efforts to help the partner, guide at a way true, to talk some sense, re-educate, limit alcohol intake. In other words, the sozavisimy person spends all the life for rescue dependent (or other sozavisimy). At the same time the first is sacredly confident that “close it is impossible to leave in trouble“, or thinks: “And what with it will be if I leave?“, etc. The sufferings are considered as norm.
Codependence as a hereditary illness passes from father to son. And it is not genetics, and and are fixed in behavior models which are acquired by the child since the childhood for the rest of life.
Signs of sozavisimy behavior:
1. Sense of guilt for the spoiled mood of the partner, for the decisions. And, in turn, dependence on his mood.
2. Attempts to change he (she), various manipulations.
3. Expectation that your problems will be solved, you will be helped, you will be regretted, etc.
4. And, in turn, presentation of claims to it for what he “did not make as it is necessary for me“ “did not understand a rearrangement of responsibility for the life on the loved one“, “did not estimate“, etc.
5. Children`s“ behavior. Attempts to attract attention. Kapriznichanye.
6. Continuous partings, ukhoda and returns to the relations. Inability “to put the end“.
7. Lack of representation of the life “without it“. Feelings on the verge.
8. Inability to tell “No“
Take Uaydkhold, James Uaynkhold in the book: “Release from codependence“ is said that you are sozavisima if:
you look for attention and approval of others to feel well;
you do everything to please others, even when you do not want it;
you believe that is more visible to others, than you that for you it is better;
you concentrate all the energy on other people and their happiness;
you try to prove to others that you are rather good that you to love;
you do not believe that you can care for yourself;
you complain or you pout to receive that you want;
you feel fear to be rejected by others;
you live as if you are a victim of circumstances;
like to be pleasant more to others and you want that they loved you more;
you are afraid to express the true feelings for fear to be rejected;
you do not trust yourself and the decisions made by you;
you experience difficulties alone with yourself;
you pretend what is to you happens nothing bad even if it not so;
you see everything or in black, or this world - for you or everything is good, or everything is bad;
you feel the sex forced to work, eat, drink or have even then when it does not give you any pleasure;
you worry that you can be thrown;
you feel wallowed in relationship;
and is a lot of - much others.
Most important question: whether perhaps to get rid of sozavisimy behavior and how to make it?
it is possible to b to Get rid of sozavisimy behavior. It is real even without participation of experts because the leading role in it is yours. The most important - to decide to change by all means itself and the life. To realize, your behavior models are how harmful, to see how you spoil the destiny. And further it is patient and persistent, contrary to and regardless of obstacles to realize the purpose to change.
Abroad there are special programs of rehabilitation, disposal of the illnesses. In some advanced cities in Russia groups of the help and support appeared.
Besides, on disposal of codependence there are books in which an effective valuable advice is given. In due time I was very much helped “Release from codependence“ (Take Uaydkhold, James Uaynkhold) and “By women who love too strongly“ (Robin Norwood).
But the most notable help was from itself.