What to us prevents to build the harmonious relations? The neurotic need for love of
By Karen Horni`s definition, the outstanding American psychologist of the last century, neurotic need for love is “the insatiability which is expressed in awful jealousy: “You are obliged to love only me!“ And understands as Karen Horni`s jealousy “… the requirement to be the only object of love“.
“You are obliged to love me irrespective of the fact how I behave“. The partner has to prove constantly the “real“ love, endowing the moral ideals, reputation, money, time, etc.“
was necessary to be surprised to you sometime to the woman who endows the children for the sake of the relations with men? The normal person will sincerely be indignant such nonsense! However not nonsense runs the show here. Namely neurotic need for love. The woman so needs love itself that it is ready to stake wellbeing of the children. But it is, of course, an extreme.
In everyday life can be told about neurotic need for love when you for yourself (or behind others) notice:
the Words or behavior corresponding to the principle: “If I did not get you, so anybody will get you“.
Desire of a revenge in response to feeling of shortage of love of the partner. Aspiration to offend darling in response to the offense.
the Conflicts for the unclear reasons. If to analyse a situation, it is possible to find the sick pressing feelings in both partners. These feelings speak as: “You did not show to me sufficient attention“, or “You do not love me“ etc.
Passionate desire to marry (it is more inherent in women).
Need for proofs of love. And this requirement, as a rule, is not realized. For example, offense of the woman: “He did not present me a gift - means, he does not love me!“ - it is considered an adequate explanation. Though lack of a gift speaks only about lack of a gift. Can be the reasons of current situation anything. But we thought up and we believe only in one: “He does not love me“.
my husband did not give me gifts three years. And I not especially focused attention on it. Because I had enough it love, and I did not need its attributes. And then, for the fourth year of our joint life, darling presented me the car. And where here absence of love? Though for the previous three years it was possible to draw such conclusion.
Inability to care for darling when it seems to you that he does not love you. In other families if the husband with the wife are in quarrel, the wife will not even prepare to eat to him. Because she is offended.
Inability to switch from the love problems to other spheres of life. Obsession with the relations. There is no love - there is no life, there are no aspirations, interests, pleasure. All your life is occupied by experiences about love. And there is a love - then there are I, there is a pleasure, happiness etc. of
Aspiration to receive love in the relations and, in turn, fear to give the love. At some it is expressed in a consent to build the relations with the person, which “the main thing that loved me“. At the same time lack of strong feelings in return is quite allowed.
in What differs neurotic love from normal?to
the opinion on this subject is expressed by the psychotherapist Oleg Kurakin: “All of us want to love and be darlings and if it works well, we feel happy. In such degree the need for love or, more precisely, requirement to be darling, is not neurotic. At the neurotic requirement to be exaggerated by darling. If surrounding people are less kind, than usually, to the neurotic it spoils mood. For mentally healthy person it is important to be favourite, dear and valued those people whom he appreciates; the neurotic need for love is persuasive and is not legible“.
In turn, Osho (the famous Neo-Hindu guru and the mystic, the inspirer of the movement Radzhnisha) speaks about unripe love (neurotic, children`s selfish) and mature (normal, healthy, adult, bezvozdmezdny) so: “The person becomes mature while he begins to love more, than to need love: it becomes streaming, sharing; it begins to give. It is growth, to you the maturity comes.
When you have no love, you ask another to give it to you. You are a beggar. And another asks you to give it to him or her. Now two beggars hands stretch to each other, and both hope that another will give it... Naturally, both feel got beaten, both feel deceived.
The unripe person always falls in love with other unripe person because only they can understand each other language. The mature person loves the mature person“.
The neurotic need for love brings misfortunes. In such love the conflicts, offenses, discontent, and finally partings are inevitable. In love only that person who is able to live without it which does not need love, as in air can be happy.
Erich Fromm in article devoted to a love subject speaks so: “The love and understanding of are inseparable with respect, love and understanding of other person. The love to itself is inseparably linked with love to any other being.
It means for the considered problem that the love to others and love to itself do not exclude each other at all. On the contrary, the love to itself is found in all those who are capable to love others. The love in principle is indivisible as it concerns communication between “objects“ of love and the identity of loving. The true love is manifestation of the fruitful beginning; she assumes care, respect, responsibility and knowledge“.
If you really want the happy relations, means to you it is necessary first of all to learn to love himself …
of Love and good luck to you!