How to resolve the conflicts?
As often we are littered from - for trifles with the family or darlings, with colleagues or with friends, and from it not to get to anywhere, all of us are in society of similar persons. And our many relationship depends on ability to resolve the conflicts when that to avoid them, at other moment to deprive of the rival of an initiative, to transfer dispute to constructive criticism and many other things.
We will remind ourselves that each person considers himself decent and well-mannered, and nothing bad wants to itself, from it it is worth pushing away first of all when we think for him and we try on on him various negative masks. Everyone wants to live in the world and harmony with himself and the society surrounding it, but not everyone is able to apply it correctly, without having touched someone and it and is not required, eventually.
As they say each person has various education and various childhood though similar sometimes to others. Everyone has the character, temperament and many other things that distinguishes it from others.
In each personality is a lot of “ » parameters; that we will not be able to unite them in common to avoid disagreements and the conflicts, but it also is not required.
We will consider our mentality from within. What do we see in ourselves? If to look narrowly very well, then we will manage to distinguish our internal states as: Child, Adult, Parent.
At any moment of our life of people is in one of three of these states or he is a child, perhaps the parent or the adult now. Let`s try them to distinguish, to point to signs of everyone that them not to confuse and be able to find them in itself, and in others, it is useful to us also more than once.
The child can be distinguished by such words as: “ I want... “ “ I wish... “ “ It is not pleasant to me... “ “ Bothered Me... “ “ I love here so... “ and to that similar phrases, everything you will not describe therefore, we will describe their general characteristic. The child reveals in us desires, whims, wants to receive something not possible, he dreams and dreams, ease and rashness of its acts and actions soars in his thoughts, he just wants to rejoice and frolic, as well as it is necessary to the small child. All this arises in the childhood and remains in us until the end of life, we carry by this little rascal through all our life, and have to learn to reveal it in ourselves and to learn to communicate, understand with it that he wants and as we can help it. Internal child expresses love to an opposite sex and not only if the person loves something or someone, then it is expressed by our child.
The adult does not allow the person to die if to tell on simple, he cares for livelihood, about health, thinks as it is correct to solve any problem or how to make repair in the apartment as many other things are correct to make purchases also. There is a severity of thoughts, and mistakes are not made, on how many it it is possible, the Adult preserves us against dangers on the street when we pass the carriageway or when we avoid in a night-time of suspicious persons whatever to get in bad “ history “. Phrases of the adult sound all painfully familiar: “ What do you offer? “ “ How we will be able to make it? “ “ Today it is necessary to take an umbrella “ “ Not to forget the documents “ and many other things, the adult makes plans and plans the purposes.
The parent is our parental installations, our education which we received in the childhood till seven years inclusive, it the manuals and bans received from the father and mother. Everything that sat down at the head and at subconsciousness and got from mother and the father, we remember something, something remains in unconscious part of our mentality, start up we it we do not notice, but it does not mean that subconsciousness does not influence us and does not influence through our actions and acts others. The parent speaks usually so: “ You cannot do it “ “ Boys » do not act This way; “ It is not admissible “ “ You have to study “ “ You need to pay more attention to education “ and any similar phrases.
So what all this gives us? For what we studied all our states? And to understand that in us sit the whole three persons absolutely different of the person. These three personalities often clash among themselves. And now we will look what occurs when two persons (not internal! and live real) begin to experience disagreements among themselves. In - the first, we face already six persons at once (three ours and three “ rival “) and it already turns out the whole group of people even if not society. And here not all is so simple, it turns out, to find out who whom “ hooked “ and who is guilty. All this
is difficult until we do not find out the state and the person with whom we cannot divide something. To learn find out all this we can over time, and it is not so difficult, practice and time will teach everything.
Let`s review an example of dispute between the husband and the wife. Early in the morning the husband gathers for work and as it is necessary, begins to put on, and cannot find a tie, all “ rummages “ also begins to be angry already as time already approaches, and it can be late for work. The husband asks the wife the question “ Where my tie? “ in reply the wife speaks “ Look in a case “ on what in reply the spouse throws the offended phrase “ You Think, I am a fool such what did not watch in a case? “. Later some time and the spouse begins to take offense at the husband and does sharp statements like it “ Where threw there and look for “ this dispute begins to run high and can turn already into interpersonal examinations and reproaches, everything depends on character of everyone. And now we will analyse these relations at the level of the Child, the Adult and the Parent.
At the beginning at the husband “ wakes up “ the adult it also helps it to gather and put on until, his internal child who begins to become hysterical and be angry that cannot find a tie does not wake up, switching to the adult the man asks a question to the wife, the adult of the spouse gives the adequate answer, the child of the man wakes up again and rushes on the spouse`s adult a spiteful question, reaches before that the adult or the parent of the husband offends the wife`s child, and she in turn begins to intercede the internal parent for the child (as well as occurs in real life). If you did not get confused yet, then we will continue :)
we Will try to resolve the conflict at once. In what case there would be no dispute? Naturally you can guess that dispute and would not be if the husband did not offend the wife`s child, or itself would not offend itself (his parent we will not find out as so far, but “ hooked “ the internal child having caused offense).
Often disputes arise on the Parent line - the Child (Ro - Re) if the child of the opposite side weak, or the parent too energetic. The conflict would not arise on the Adult line - the Adult (In - V. I is so far easiest way to avoid disputes and disagreements. In case dispute already in the heat, then it is necessary to bring the rival to the line B - In as in this condition of people it is not capable to generate the conflict (of course there are and here exceptions).
The Adult line - the Child (In - P) can generate a problem situation too. Very often in a family and not only one person concedes in it, another continues approach. Someone can be active, and someone is weaker. The passive person or becomes reserved, having protected himself from an aggressor, or acts as the clever person and does not oppose to an aggressor not to add fuel to the fire if the aggressor does not find an occasion, then he slowly cools down and recovers.
Constructive questions or answers can hardly generate a problem. And it is always necessary to try to act to the line B - In when it is possible. To the Child lines - the Child of the spouse pass into children`s entertainments - games, begin to love each other, have fun and laugh.
Watch yourself and others, train in identification of states and analyze that turns out and draw conclusions and you learn much. Good luck to you in the relations more progress!
and it already turns out the whole group of people even if not society. And here not everything is so simple, it turns out, to find out who whom