Why there are no true friends? About feeling of own importance
In the book “How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children“ Gerald Newmark speaks about five basic needs of the child. Those, according to him, are the need for respect, requirement to feel own importance, need for acceptance, requirement to feel communication with other people and need for safety.
In research of the problem of absence of friends I paid attention to one important detail. In communication with friends (or imaginary friends) I very much wanted to be something useful. It was especially pleasant to feel involved in important secret. It was also pleasant to support the person in a difficult situation.
Such desires are natural also pokhvalna in the sincere friendly relations. But my desires were too persuasive. And nobody asked me for the help, nobody shared the experiences. Not because I could not help or was not able to keep secrets. Because I needed feeling of own importance.
This feeling a pleasant wave went on a body to those rare moments when shared intimate with me. This feeling I unconsciously cherished when I remembered “feats“, self-sacrifices in desire by all means to be useful to people.
As is shown in the person desire to feel own importance?to
the Irrefragable answer on this question is given by the psychologist and the psychotherapist Kovalyov V. With: “ Why we actually go to the prestigious universities? Why we buy expensive cars which are a pity even for scratching? Why we buy fancy cell phones which half of functions we will even never not use? Why always with foam at a mouth we protect the point of view? Why we go to smart institutions? We spend money for cosmetics and hairdressers?
And from - for what we so strongly suffer if we are not accepted somewhere? Why we sincerely suffer when to us show disrespect? Why badly we feel when we are offended? Why we have a bad mood when we could not make good impression? Yes … All this occurs for the same reason. Because of search of feeling of own importance “ …
However, despite exhaustive explanations, an internal problem in the person very difficult it (is almost impossible) to describe precisely. Because the side between norm and not norm is always unclear. In a zen - the Buddhism it is said that “the way to an enlightenment cannot be expressed in words“. But it it is possible to feel, live. The ordinary sane person, having read my description and excerpts from articles of experts, can not understand what he there is a speech about. Will understand it only the one whom this problem concerns and who is ready to accept and realize its reasons.
And the most important question:
How to cultivate in itself feeling of own importance?
In answers to a question: “How to develop feeling of the importance at the child?“ psychologists give such advice:
1. Help the child to understand that he is unique. Give it magnifying glass, and let he will attentively study drawing on the thumb. Then let he investigates a thumb of other person by means of magnifying glass and will see as far as it differs.
2. Let your child will lay down on a big sheet of paper (for example, wrapping). Lead round a contour of his body. Then suggest it to paint a contour - to draw the person and clothes. Let it will hang up drawing on a door of the room.
3. Tell what qualities and talents of your child do it in your eyes unique and special.
But it is modes of work with the child. And how “to shift“ them to the adult?
Wake in yourself the child! The problem of feeling of the importance is the not filled requirement of children`s age. Therefore it is necessary to influence the boy or the girl of years of five who, (which) lives in you.
Perhaps, at you it will turn out to come into contact with the internal child not at once. Do not despair! Investigate yourself, listen to the inner self, and sooner or later the way to itself will be.
And in adulthood every time when the melancholy visits, loneliness, aspiration to be to someone interesting, necessary, to feel the importance, address yourself - the child and remember the poster with the painted contour of the body in your room. Or consider the unique fingers. Or represent how mother is keen on your next story. You can find the way of accumulation of own importance. The main thing to catch this feeling, to experience it in a body and to fix as the - habitual, natural.
The feeling of own importance can be felt how emergence of an easy shchekotaniye in a breast which a warm wave extends on all body.
At first it is difficult to catch, detain him. But your desire, patience and persistence will yield the results. The main thing - not to be given, and to practice constantly the occupations. It is possible to change the perception and behavior models only systematic replacement of old feelings and reactions on new. On it time is necessary. Psychologists say that change of old behavior models on new takes time in such proportion: 1 month of changes - by a year of past life. It means that if you undertook accumulation of feeling of own importance in 30 years, then on a radical change in this area you need about 2,5 years.
The integrated approach, systematicity, aspiration to overcome the imperfections will bear fruit once. Time will come, and you feel ease and release, will feel how you changed and your world to the best.