Family conflict. What rules of conduct spouses have to follow?
“When people marry, they in most cases do not live for each other any more as they did it earlier“. These words belong to Siegmund Freud. People meet, marry, get divorced... He and she still love each other, but are not able to keep a family. Unfortunately, it is a widespread case.
Many marriages are ruined by unpreparedness of spouses to family life. Unwillingness to understand and accept that “just together“ - it is not so simple. In addition to legitimation of love caress and festivities under the moon, the matrimony gives rise also to the general cares, sorrows, problems, contentions...
Most of married women and married men build the family relations proceeding from the fact that families happen absolutely happy or very unfortunate.
Meanwhile the normal family relations are somewhere in the middle. Absolutely cloudless they are not. The family conflicts are inevitable. But the fact of their emergence does not mean at all that the matrimonial boat went to a bottom. The first matrimonial contention by all means has to happen. If not in the wedding day, then in a week or in a year.
From disagreements any family is not insured. To panic, exaggerate, clutch at the head and to recognize that marriage was not successful … It is all the same that to bury the matrimonial relations alive. It is convinced, stains would become much less if spouses ceased to give in without a fight. Did not hurry to clap doors and to burn bridges to reconciliation. Would cease to turn love into the tool of oppression of darling. Would agree to provide to the spouse that degree of freedom and that vital space which are required for him that in marriage not to feel as in prison.
In the middle of quarrel of the spouse are ruthless to each other. Not easy to forget the accusations hurled in a temper. But friction between spouses are inevitable. For restoration of normal family climate it is necessary to get to the bottom of a root cause of contention first of all. Occasions there can be a set. And in fact family contradictions are caused by the race for power which to some extent is inevitably running high between spouses.
I will give a number of the main, most often found of the reasons of the family conflicts :
1. The quarrels caused by different views on financial expenses in a family.
2. Disputes over an occasion of education of children.
3. Various relation to cast in a family and to housekeeping.
4. Discrepancy of internal clocks. For example, one of spouses - “owl“, another - “lark“.
5. Contention can run high without the reasons. From scratch. From - for fatigue, the collected irritation, crumbs on a floor or the dirty ware left on a coffee table.
When quarrels become frequent, spouses take defensive positions. Everyone trains the “protective speech“ and every time recites it in confirmation of the correctness. It becomes more difficult for husband and wife to find a common language. Concentrating on upholding of the rights, they cease to hear each other.
Each of spouses discusses details of quarrels with parents, brothers, sisters, with close friends and girlfriends. There are needs of nature to be uttered, consult, to share sore, to complain... However friends or relatives, at all desire to come to the rescue, can hardly be impartial. Besides, when wellbeing of a family is staked, spouses need professional consultation which the specialist in settlement of conflict situations, psychology and coaching can give. Baggage of special knowledge and professional experience is what can prevent divorce, restore the world and rest in the clashing families. Amateurish councils will not rescue a situation. Having let matters drift, spouses deepen dissonance. To the contrary, having postponed all other affairs and having concentrated on the solution of a controversial issue, the husband and the wife prevent the conflict. Support the quiet atmosphere in the house. It is the best exit. If you did not manage to avoid serious family dismantling, the trouble is not so big as it seems to you. A showdown - not the most pleasant occupation.
However I will open for you one curious truth. Conflict to the conflict discord. Family contentions happen not only destructive, but also creative. Destructive and constructive.
In other words, even at a stage of emergence of the conflict spouses have a choice. Having chosen a destructive way, they will lead the relations up a blind alley. Having given preference to a constructive approach, will achieve bigger mutual understanding and will strengthen the marriage.
To transfer the arising conflicts to constructive rails is the difficult work demanding diplomacy, patience, a subtlety, respect and desire. However spouses should master this technology of settling of contentions if they love each other and want to keep the marriage. For achievement of constructive effect it is necessary to avoid :
1. Mutual claims.
3. The increased tones.
4. Derogations from the discussed problem.
5. Reproaches and mentions of old offenses.
8. Bilious criticism.
For a solution it is quite enough that spouses at first understood themselves, analysed the acts. And then with deep arguments, accurately and clearly stated each other the position and by means of compromises came to a consensus. The way out will by all means be found, and discussion will do good to all family.