Why there are no true friends? About need for a praise and approval of
- Mother, mother, look what ribbon I weaved! - the daughter enthusiastically jumps around mother. She so wants to share the progress! It is so important to hear a praise or it is even simple to be convinced that paid attention to it, its achievements were noticed.
But mother tired came from work. Problems of the daughter are insignificant in comparison with those questions which adults need to solve.
- The daughter, give then, I was tired, - mother waves away.
“Then“, of course, nobody will remember it. The girl remains one. She already got used to be one. Earlier she often resorted to parents to tell something special, children`s, very important. But parents did not hear it. Its “important“ for them also did not exist at all.
The children`s perception explains in a distorted way regular ignoring of parents: “I am not noticed, so I for them do not exist“. And, having matured, the person as if “gets stuck“ at that age where there was not filled children`s need for approval.
Also the adult woman because cries that the chief did not notice her efforts or did not praise for the next feat. She, of course, perceives it as injustice: “I so tried, made so many efforts, so achieved much, and he did not even notice it! Any award, even from it did not hear the kind word!“ And people around are ready to believe in it. But you work well because you want to work well. And at all not in order that you were praised by the chief … Strange, but about it it is forgotten.
All life turns into “inning“ of the right for existence at people around. And it has to be confirmed by the fact that you were noticed, estimated your works, what important for you became important and for surrounding people.
Friends well are suitable for confirmation of the right for existence - it is those people with whom it is interesting to communicate. They for you are significant. They are capable to appreciate you and your inner world. All that so became painful. And you look for friends. And in effect - you want to find significant people who will show sincere interest and, at last, will pay attention to you:
- Listen, and I had it! I even about it read the book. You know how she … - with enthusiasm tells naza to the girlfriend the girl about the experience. It so wants to be shared …
- Tan, my bus already approached, it is time to run! Well, so far, I kiss everything, tomorrow we will meet! - the interlocutor cuts off stop short and runs to the approached bus.
And the girl the next time remains in private with the open soul. Strange, unpleasant feeling: “I am generally shared the important with it …“ At the same time for other people do not see each other important important.
Here such it, our life. At first, in the childhood, our requirements are not filled properly with parents. And then we hang, we go in cycles in these requirements and we try to fill them in adulthood. And nothing from this is impossible. All adulthood only confirms children`s experiences. What you so need, you do not receive! You look for friends, and they do not reach for you. You look for confirmation “I is“, but in the course of searches are absent in real life.
How it can be shown? At all differently. The general is the feeling of “lostness“, “drop-out“ in some moments of life.
Long time I excessively was fond of communication on the Internet. Could vanish for hours at the computer. Of course, tried to do it in the absence of children. But quite often could not keep and when they were at home. “Hid“ behind the screen, motivating the absence in real life with fatigue. The husband sometimes trusted in it. And sometimes not. So directly also asked:
- You was gone again?
A I immediately reacted:
- was not gone, and was simply tired! I what, I cannot be tired?!
The same words could be told quietly, without call. But I did not tell them, I them shouted. As if wanted to declare to the whole world loudly: “I am! My problems are! Notice me!“ But how I could be noticed if I actually was absent?
the fact that you have a similar problem such thoughts and feelings as can be signs:
my personality is interesting to nobody;
it is interesting to nobody that I do;
the praise of significant people is important for me;
I want to be the focus of attention;
touches me when do not see my works and efforts, it is perceived as “I tried, and they did not estimate, understood nothing!“;
important for others it is not important for me, that is I always am not appreciated;
when I am noticed and praised, I cannot believe, so it seems unreal.
If you noticed at yourself a similar problem, what with it to do?
Realize the fact that you got stuck at children`s age. And in adulthood you run for uncles and behind aunts in search of confirmation of the importance.
Stop to trust the right for the decision on the importance of your existence to foreign people. Feel that you are, irrespective of external recognition of your feelings and desires.
Speak to yourself “I is!“ every time when you begin “to vanish“ from real life. You speak to yourself “Other people do not ignore me at all“ when somebody showed the emotional rejection where you so strongly tried. Or find own words for such situations. Those which will show you the real situation and your turned perception.
Happiness and good luck to you!