How exactly money can spoil our relations?
the Budget in a family - a subject difficult. Someone avoids its discussion, someone is not present, but anyway, sooner or later it emerges in the sharp manifestation. How to build up the financial relationship that they did not strike then the emotional sphere? How not to allow money to spoil your relations?
1. How to distribute the family budget?
“Why to your parents repair? It is possible just to change furniture“
Idea of how to distribute the income, usually goes from a parental family. Rare families at the beginning of the existence agree about new (not as at parents) the scheme of distribution. But if about purchases argued at the beginning of family life - most likely so will be always.
Me fur coat or you computer? Repair or just to change furniture? The new car or to broaden the apartment? Money in bank under percent or to buy the apartment and to rent?
Often happens that at the initial stage of one spouses concedes to another, but constrains offense and remembers it to an opportunity. Than longer spouses live together - especially rough there can be battles.
Why? Because a question not in money, and in domination. The budget and management of distribution of money is a family power. And if the wife grew up in a family where mother was imperious and everything was in her hands - very possibly, as in the family it will build the relations also. If both want to dominate in a family - these collisions will be constant and more and more furious. the Solution of a situation Begin
with what is important for you: a family and the relations with this person or aspiration “to win at any cost“? If you want to keep a family, then understand for yourself that the most important in your life what you will really insist on (training continuation, an opportunity to have the certain room, free movement out of public transport) - at everyone it something special.
And then other decisions about purchases and investments can be accepted more quietly, to make concessions. To discuss sequence. When confrontation is stopped - there is an opportunity to discuss something without emotions. Often happens so that insisting on the, the spouse does not consider for a long time that this right decision. It is simple cannot recede (to lose) and it is not ready!
If you need to dominate, then solve for yourself why you recoup on the spouse at home? Perhaps, to look for more responsible leading work? Perhaps, to understand that you are valuable in itself and not just when “won against someone“?
2. “Perhaps, to you to look for more highly paid work?“
In families the different periods happen, including - when one of spouses earns more. If the relations open, healthy - are versions of the additional income, uses of savings, options “hold in the budget“. If the fatal question sounded (even at you inside, without removal at discussion) - other questions to the relations ripened.
For example, the woman is not satisfied in sex, does not feel an attraction to the spouse, overtired from household chores. For any reasons in a family do not speak about it openly. And then, from aspiration to keep a family (and can be, the state of mind), the woman will not tell: “To me it is bad with you in a bed!“. And here to tell that the income level is low - it is quite possible. And it is not important that the husband thinks about it - conversation even at the high income can be developed so that at it and language will not turn to speak about proximity (to refer on familiar with the big income, to mention that his brother has an apartment more etc.).
The return example - the man does not consider the wife worthy joint issue (she, in his opinion, thick - flat - small - ugly...) . And then it is possible to refuse issues, visits of restaurant, joint holiday - under this plausible excuse. “Perhaps, and you will begin to earn?.“
I then a question - flows from the plane of discontent with the wife in financial. Also it is possible not to discuss the true reasons of claims. the Solution of a situation Begin
with what now occurs in the relations. What there is a wish to tell or ask about? Since what time phrases with reproaches about a salary began to appear? What changed in the relations lately? What emotions in general you experience at communication with the spouse / spouse? To find the real reason of discontent with a situation or with each other it is possible both by the analysis, and together with the therapist.
As for the formulation “can be to you to earn more?“, it is necessary to understand accurately that it is manipulation. So it is necessary to stop it, without attempts to justify oneself or promises. How? “I hear what you tell me about the small income. It is unpleasant to me to hear it because I look for solutions. Therefore I ask you not to reproach more so“. As option - if you are ready to they are to ask, than actually your spouse is not happy. So the situation will be clearer and, most likely, other difficulties of a family will be opened.
3. “I found your grist!“
Earlier this phrase generally could belong only to the woman - as traditional was considered that husbands hide the salary.
Now with equal probability both the husband, and the wife can fall into a state when “suddenly“ learned about a real level of income of the second half.
So why spouses can hide the income:
One of spouses does not accept hobbies of another (“That you want to buy? What else boat motor? Went crazy!“).
Preserve vanity of another - “that did not know that I earn more“ (it is the reason it is characteristic of women).
Create “safety cushion“ - often so happens in families where one of spouses strongly suffered in first marriage and now it is not ready to remain after divorce “without a thing“.
Anyway is a signal that there is an uncertainty in feelings of the partner, uncertainty in tomorrow. Most likely - at couple there will be still a jealousy (proved or not proved). And concealment of money in a family will be frequent to be perceived much more sharply, than change. Because change time can mean nothing to the developed relations (I do not say that will be painless, but will not destroy marriage). And here the understanding that “carries away money to that and it contains“ is a real threat to a family.
the Solution of a situation
the Question of trust in couple is not that situation which “is solved from the head“ (“I have to trust it!“ - will not work). Begin with the fact that honestly admit to yourself that the relations something not so. If you do not intend to get divorced just a moment and what to undertake do not know (or are not ready) - transfer focus of attention to the affairs, interests. I mean that then you will be gnawed less by a subject of “carrying out from a family“. Perhaps, during this period it is worth passing to the share budget. Perhaps, you feel natural desire more money to put in yourself, in the desires. Make it, only you remember that it not the solution of a situation.
And when you are ready - you sit down to discuss what really happens. The outcome of a situation depends on both parties.
It is clear, that in article only some situations and ways of their decision are considered. But understanding the principle of family quarrels from - for money, it is possible to find a successful and productive way out practically of any situation.