What self-assessment at you?
We are not born with the self-assessment which is already put in us - high or low; it is formed in the earliest childhood, generally to three-year age. Also the people surrounding us - our family, and first of all - our parents form it, of course.
If parents treat us as to capable if they are a sample of the harmonious, open and friendly relations between the man and the woman, then we form an adequate self-assessment and we adopt from them basic knowledge about what have to be the relations between the man and the woman.
The adequate self-assessment gives us feeling of self-confidence, in the forces, gives us desire to test in this life, to investigate world around and to learn to build the relations with other people - first of all, with age-mates of our and opposite sex. And then from year to year we become more and more independent of parents and slowly we begin to build own life, relying on their support and approval.
When we are admitted to school, besides the father and mother, in our life there are also other adults whose opinion is significant for us - it is teachers, parents of our friends, from them we begin to obtain information on ourselves too (estimates, judgments, wishes concerning us and our behavior).
In process of a growing and puberty focus of our attention is displaced from parents on the immediate environment, and first of all - on an opposite sex. Now for us not parental approval and acceptance, and acceptance by friends including an opposite sex is on the first place.
We begin to look for that person with whom we will feel safe who will support our self-assessment - as did it parents. And if at us the adequate self-assessment was created by this time, we know that we are capable of something, we are rather independent of the fact that the others think of us (that is for us it, of course, is important, but the opinion of people around on us cannot change radically our opinion on itself any more). And then we are ready to enter partnership with the person of an opposite sex, in view of his identity, but at the same time without losing ourselves.
If our self-assessment low (we did not gain sufficient recognition of our abilities and talents from parents), we are attached to parents emotionally and only with them we feel safe, then and ours the relations with an opposite sex will be dysfunctional - we will seek to find someone who will be similar to parents and for us will be their continuation, we will confer responsibility for the life on the partner and many other things. And it in case we in general have such relations because the probability of that we is very high:
- for a long time we will remain in the parental house and we will not seek to establish an own family;
- we will remain are strongly involved in life of the parents - we will always solve together with them all their household problems, it is active - to participate in the conflicts between them, taking someone`s part;
- before making something, we will ask for suggestions and we will arrive in full accordance with what parents advised us even if it contradicts our desires and requirements;
- even if we will separately live, then it will be the apartment in the neighboring house or the next entrance that it was easier to visit the parents as often as it will be required to them or us.
Whether it means that some parents want that we forever remained their children and were near them? Partly it so, but none of parents for himself quite so, of course, put a task. All parents want that their children got on feet and began the independent life, further caring already for the parents, but not at all it turns out to create for this purpose base.
The parents who created at the child the underestimated self-assessment, as a rule:
- are disappointed with the matrimonial relations and are too busy with satisfaction of own needs, and, even understanding that their children are persons, cannot realize them requirements, otherwise, they had just the same parents too;
- had parents with the same low self-assessment and instead of directing the attention to correction of personal installations and relationship with people around, steeped in a role of parents, hoping that their children will lift further their self-assessment and will solve many other personal problems;
- they consider process of education of children as not connected with their own painful matrimonial relations, even does not come to their mind that they destroy by one hand that just constructed another.