Who do I am is a boy or the girl?
Who I am is a boy or the girl? On this question we receive the answer also in the earliest childhood, and in further life we behave according to the received answer irrespective of what floor we treat actually.
The matter is that the sexual self-assessment of the child is formed adequately only if parents recognize his sex. Only from parents the child learns about what world around and what he.
Any identification is “bilateral correlation“, that is the child identifies himself with an own floor, at the same time accepting knowledge of an opposite sex.
Many people at a mention of a family imagine just small group of the people having similar or interchangeable functions, forgetting that family members not sexless creations without age. They are adult men and the women entering the relations with little men and women. All our world consists of men and women, and the roles corresponding to this or that floor - more significant for us from the psychological point of view, than the social roles making already secondary sense again - against their primary sexual value.
Therefore the child for development needs an example of both models - man`s and female. If for any reasons in a family there is no father, then the child will very quickly find to himself the carrier of this image - the grandfather, the uncle, the neighbor, the watchman in kindergarten - any available senior man. At the same time he will be able to use models of man`s behavior if he receives from mother of the message that men - worthy beings. If mother lets it know that men are unworthy and that is not pleasant to her when he behaves in this way, he will use the corresponding models secretly or in the distorted look. Why from mother the child has to get approval of this or that model, you ask? Because mother is for the child (irrespective of his floor) a priority figure, that person who satisfies the main needs of the child - in food, in heat, in safety, in contact.
If parents are not capable to recognize sexuality of each other, they will not be able to recognize also sexuality of their child. At the same time the obvious or hidden neglect of parents with each other leads to the fact that they cannot set the child an example of functional, satisfactory relationship of the man and woman as their relations among themselves are a role model for the child and are acquired intuitively and for the rest of life.
The situation becomes even worse if parents clash among themselves as this conflict is inevitably transferred also to the child: they will send to the child the inconsistent signals concerning what he has to be and that he has to do. They will draw the child everyone on the party in this conflict, forcing it to choose between parents when one parent recognizes it, and the second - rejects that is extremely painful for the child. If at least one of these tactics is realized by parents, the child gets very difficult experience which strongly underestimates its self-assessment.
In general the child can explain nature of interaction in a family by means of answers to questions which are asked to himself and world around, for example, by the little boy:
- How the father (the big man) treats mother (the big woman)?
- As the father treats me (the little man)?
- As the father orders to treat to me mother?
- As mother treats the father?
- As mother (the big woman) treats me (the little man)?
- As mother orders to treat to me the father?
In each of these questions a number of contradictions which the child can face is hidden. And considering that in most cases the child has both parent, and the quantity of contradictions doubles as that information which goes from mother can contradict that which goes from the father. At the same time what he can see in relationship between parents can disperse from what feelings and emotions they experience. So, if the child can not see open quarrels, nevertheless, the behavior of parents will show him that they are angry and are angry at each other.
Many of these inconsistent experiences can and have to receive an explanation because the child can ask an appropriate question aloud. Thus, the child can learn that in each situation there are several aspects and that the similar phenomena are not always connected among themselves.
Ignoring by parents of need of the child for understanding of the events leads to the big internal conflicts. In a dysfunctional family at children the impression is made that they should not ask questions as it can lead to the conflict between spouses, having touched upon subjects, painful for them.
If the child remains in private with not resolved contradictions, he tries to find on them the answer independently, often coming to incomplete or wrong conclusions according to which it builds the life further.
For example, he can decide that if one between the man and the woman “is offended“, another “caused offense“ if one “is weak“, another “is strong“, if one “good“, another surely “bad“ etc. Such simplified “it is black - white“ conclusions complicate acceptance of behavior model of the man and woman and self-assessments interfere with development.
At the same time the sexual self-assessment of the boy will suffer if in matrimonial relationship the father looks offended, despised. The girl will have problems with a sexual self-assessment if in this position in the matrimonial relations there is mother.
Here that mechanism works that children, as a rule, identify themselves with the parent of the same floor (establish similarity of the genitals with one of parents and distinctions - with another), they are alarmed when the parent of the same floor offends another or is offended by it. However from these two options offended for the child to be more terrible, it gives rise to thought: “It can happen also to me! “ If parents constantly show
in the ways, available to the child, that they perceive his capable and sexually certain being if they show the satisfying, functional relationship between the man and the woman, then at the child the adequate self-assessment is formed, and it becomes in process of the growing more and more independent of them.