Whether the person who never lost anybody exists?
, anyway, meet experience of losses each of us. It is unconditional that the death of the loved one, brings with anything incomparable sufferings. But at the same time loss can bring really valuable experience, on condition of experience of a grief in its full volume. When you face death, cover the most different feelings: pain, offense, hatred, rage, wine, envy, melancholy … a bit later - belief and at last, love and humility. The grief turns on our thinnest mechanisms of feelings and experiences. And sometimes, only on contrast of life and death we can realize life value - and then borders of outlook extend in hundreds of times.
I saw Ded Stas few times. I remember how at dinner the grandfather covered a plate with soup a thick layer of pepper. I watched this show as, probably, if he swallowed of swords. I remember how he walked a horse on a juicy and high grass. And still surprising eyes, light-blue which, appear, look not at you, and in soul. Always all treated the grandfather with big respect. After the Chernobyl accident all farm was settled. And the grandfather with the grandmother had to leave native places.
It occurred when I was 9 years old. The father with mother somewhere uneasily gathered. Ded died, and parents went to bury him. Without having told anything to us with the brother about death of the grandfather. I remember how I did not want to bathe on the small river with girlfriends as usual. I sincerely did not understand why parents told nothing. Why did not take me that I could say goodbye to it. I remember how after return mother told someone that there is nothing to do to children on a funeral, and besides children even plainly did not know it. And I was covered by offense and despair. I very much respected the grandfather.
Parents often decide how it seems to them from good intentions, to suppress the death fact from children, avoid participation of the child in a funeral. I then did not see grief neither in mother, nor in the father. And it seemed to me that what occurs in me not normally. Inside everything pressed, and I was afraid though somehow to show the feelings. It was the first experience of experience of loss close.
I dreamed of a dog long. And somehow the schoolmate offered a puppy. I, without reflecting, dragged it home. Parents long grumbled, but Jack remained to live at our place. I dreamed of what it will grow up a huge dog as in the movie “Beethoven“ as I will bury in its wool and to touch his big wet black nose. And that it will never give me in offense. Jack of dews a desperate and courageous dog though itself resembled small very much a lap dog. It was not biting and not angry, but if someone just wanted me even to grab by a hand, Jack right there rushed on my protection. Parents for all vacation and holidays brought us with the brother to the village and, naturally, sent Jack with us. So it also remained as a result on the constant place a residence in the village. The dog followed me on heels. Once we with little girls were going to the regional center, the way was not close. Jack was coordinated for me.
The motorcycle rushed at a huge speed. Jack ran out on the road and got under the wheels. I ran to it, and he with the last bit of strength tried to stretch to me on hands, continuously looking me in the face. I long bore his body on hands. Cried, sobbed, hated everything the motorcycles passing by, herself for the fact that did not save the friend.
For children and teenagers and for adults pain from loss of an animal than is not less than if it was the person. And what was generally heard by me: “do not roar, new you will get!“, “that you are killed, same a dog“, “you will forget the dog soon“. If to translate these phrases concerning the person close or native, but not dogs, then they sound as follows “do not roar, you will bring the new relative“, “that you are killed, the relative was so-so“, “you will forget the relative soon“.
Then I saw not smaller pain from Jack`s death in the unique person - the uncle Kolya. Ponimaniyety, that you are accepted and empathize, relieved pain from loss. Besides, then I realized that experience from loss, whether it be the person, a cat, or a parrot it is necessary to respect equally. And to treat feelings of the person yours faithfully and respect.
The great-grandmother was for eighty. She spoke Russian badly and I did not try to understand her when it something having opened eyes, explained to me on Chuvash. She seemed to me terribly decrepit. From it unpleasantly smelled. When in the morning I slept after night discos, she sat down on an edge of a bed and whispered some unclear prayers that terribly irritated me. And once she said a prayer and suddenly I felt how it splashes on me water from a mouth. To my disgust there was no limit.
When we came to the village for vacation us the family met, and all of us sat down to a table. One great-grandmother continued to sit in a bed. It was given something tasty, and she very quietly ate alone. The grandmother translated that her mother takes offense at great-grandsons for the fact that we do not embrace the great-grandmother. And I with a great effort embraced her and right there ran away.
The great-grandmother died in night of Christmas quietly and softly. And though it was the natural result of life, at me inside everything turned over. I saw the callousness concerning it. Began to recur her happy eyes after my fast embraces to the memory. I was tormented by sense of guilt that did not try to hear it and to understand. Her morning prayers became suddenly terrible not to be enough for me. I understood that she sincerely with the brother loved us. I mentally asked forgiveness for my emotional deafness. I was angry with myself, for the fact that near me there was such wise and interesting person, and I did not appreciate it. Later I wrote it the letter in which thanked. Wrote that I regret that did not learn about what there were her prayers.
This loss taught me to appreciate relatives, to be to them attentive. I began to think of inconstancy of life and by that I realized the value of each its instant more often.
I then was 15 years old and I seemed is in love with it. Sashka was the most unusual young man. He laughed somehow childly and modestly. It was very kind. We walked all summer in one company, he probably also did not notice me. When at the end of summer all parted on the cities, he told: “little girls, come on September 19 on my birthday. The nineteenth 19 years, time in life happen“.
“Sashka dies!“ - and the earth left from under legs. I could not believe in absurdity which was born by my friend. It was called and told that to it at work there was an accident. The gas pipe flew away and fell on the head. I do not know how parents released me, I do not remember this moment at all. I do not remember how many on time I spent several days or weeks at Sasha to reanimations. But the world was curtailed to the sizes of resuscitation chamber. Still I remember sounds of all these terrible devices which breathed for Sanka as they counted its pulse. The despair, fear, hope, love and humility constantly replaced each other …
on September 19 we went with wreaths, following the birthday man to the grave. There is a custom to throw an earth handful in a grave. I very quietly removed a ring from the finger, and together with a handful of the earth threw it in a grave, having whispered: “as the line of a ring is infinite, and I will always remember you“.
I think that ritual with a ring was very important for me. Over time, over the years, Sashki`s image began to be erased from memory, but the fact that there is with it my ring, calmed me. It bore function of preservation of memory of it. Many of those who endured loss of darling, being restored to normal life, begin to have sense of guilt before the dead for the fact that that initial pain ceases. Because together with it as they think, memory of deceased is forgotten. But actually it not so. And ritual, in this case, can help to cope and accept the fact that life goes on. To me the fact that I wrote Sank verses still helped to release my grief and periodically carried on a grave.
With Sasha`s loss I took out a lesson - always to speak about the feelings and the attitudes towards the person, can be late tomorrow. And it concerns not only such feelings as love and something pleasant. And also to speak to the person if he something offended you not to save in the bosom a deposit from stones - offenses. I understood that the soul should be held pure in order that something lighter could lodge in it and warm.
The grandmother of my ex-husband was the most interesting person. It was drawn by a trunk, opening which surely will find some unusual jewelry. When to my daughter there was half of year to the granny there was a stroke. And I volunteered to look after her. Having taken the daughter, I arrived to her to a village. Despite what the granny as well as my great-grandmother also badly told on Russian we communicated in zakhleb.
I heated a bath. Carried it on hands there and back, washed. And after bathings, dressed up it in a fresh dress, long combed snow-white hair, braided a braid and tied the most beautiful easy kerchief. Joked that we will go to look for it the groom now. Early in the morning, when the daughter slept, having been sated breast milk, and the granny had to wake up already soon. I was enough an iron mug and ran in the wood to please the girls with fragrant and juicy wild strawberry.
Babulechka lived after a stroke nearly a year. Dying, she called up me to herself. Ironed me on hair tenderly and looked in the face with heat and love.
I cried, but it were gratitude tears. I knew that she lived this year easily and happily for the family and me.
Absolutely I had other feelings when after it my native grandfather died. And I endured shock from the fact that I do not want to cry concerning his death at all. I with it had in memory many not most pleasant memories. It is accepted to speak of the dead man well, and I could not remember to him warm feelings. And as not surprisingly it can seem, I made the decision to forgive it. To recognize that it only navsy the person with the weaknesses and complexes. And the sense of guilt haunting me released.
To be related to the person - it does not mean to be obliged to experience to him warm and close emotional ties and feelings. And normally to grieve on loss of the person so, the emotional connection with him was how strong. And if such feelings and close communication with deceased were not - it is possible just to honor his memory with presence on a funeral.
Quite recently my grandmother died. She long was ill. When the illness released it, she remembered the young years. Said that once loved one young man, but married the grandfather who behaved with it, I will softly tell cruelly. She quietly knitted in a corner and drew in the head pictures “and if everything exfoliated differently“. And very much was afraid that the grandfather (dead man) will come for it. She died as well as it - it is heavy.
I arrived at night. It lay the weakened and some, at last, happy.
All family went to bed, and I loudly read near it all night long the psalter. And not because wanted that “there“ prayers were heard but because here mine slept mother, the father, the son and the daughter. They heard a prayer and understood that I nearby that very much I love them. The father is so much years, looking after the mother-in-law and mother who accepted her death on hands at last could fall asleep, having trusted in the fact that the grandmother now not one in the room. That she is read the burial service by the granddaughter.
And it was the first experience of loss in life of my children. It was not such as mine. It was based on sincerity and respect. Also my krovinochka that there was not many this experience in their life want to wish. But the tide of life of subjects is also unique that the death always was and will be, as well as the birth. Also I will hope that it was their inoculation from experience of senseless losses.