How to get rid of offense?
Offense - one of the most hard feelings accompanying us in life. She paints life in dark tone, forces to hear poisonous implication in the most usual statements, spoils the relations between close people, ruins our own health.
We do not take offense at a rain which confused Sunday plans, we do not take offense at the kitten who tore apart expensive tights, we do not take offense at babies and patients. Only people can offend us. And relatives.
Strangers, certainly, are capable to offend, especially, too if they are allocated though with a shred of the power. But such offenses pass, are forgotten by itself eventually, and here put with close people are saved and poison ours - not someone`s, namely ours - life.
The offense arises when other person behaves not as we expected .
My good acquaintance many years ago got divorced, very, in my opinion, the quite good person, from - for … garbage. The garbage should be taken out in certain time - there came the car. As plastic packages then were not, all neighbors came downstairs at this particular time, dragging the buckets. And in a family of her parents carrying out of garbage was a sacred duty of men. Conclusion: he exposes me on a shame, so does not respect, does not love. Certainly, there were enough offenses between young spouses, but she remembers this still though passed years forty.
How to arrive if you were offended?
to Spit and forget! Such advice is given most often by friends to whom we tell about the offense. Give not incidentally: the offended person - the worst interlocutor, he can say only about how he was offended. But if we cease to speak about the offense, we will try to force out from memory, it driven into an underground will make all the same our life a misery.
There is still council as to overcome offense - to satisfy it: to dump on another or to revenge.
The second option was brilliantly illustrated by Herluf Bidstrup in the famous comic book. You remember, the chief bawled out to the subordinate, that, having come home, shouted at the son, the offended child gave a kick to a dog, the offended dog seized a bum to daddy. The circle became isolated.
And concerning revenge which will satisfy offense, read at Bulgakov in “Mastere and Margarita“ chapter “As the procurator tried to save Judas from Kiriaf“. ordinary councils do not work with
. So to do?the best way I found
in a technique of the psychologist Olov of Yury Mikhaylovich which carries the name sanogenny thinking . Sanogennoye - the giving rise health. A dignity - health (lat).
Quote: “Mental anguish and sufferings for offense, fault, shame, anger, jealousy, fear is a stress and a depression, quarrels and scandals, diseases and failures, a remorse, apathy, laziness, loss of meaning of life. But mental anguish and sufferings - not creation of powers of darkness, but a fruit of own wrong thinking, unhealthy philosophy of life“. Change of vital philosophy with system of sanogenny thinking helps to be exempted by
from the power of negative emotions, to get rid of many psychosomatic diseases.
According to the doctor, there is an only way to get rid of offense: it it is necessary to razmyslit . Not to reflect on it, and to razmyslit. You feel a difference?
For a razmyslivaniye it is necessary to recognize existence of the emotion “ Ya took offense “. Not I was offended, and I feel offense. It is essentially important - to take the responsibility for the feeling. And to take eight consecutive preparatory steps.
First step . To return to offense, to connect to it, again to endure it, to describe it to itself from a position I took offense with all feelings: what felt a body where in what place there was a feeling offenses what of thought came to mind as the behavior changed .
It is the best of all to write down all this. Earlier I wrote the offenders letters (the truth, not always sent). Now I have a special tetradaughter for work with offenses.
Step of the second . It is detailed to describe how would have to behave the offender that I did not take offense . But without particle not . It essentially.
Record “He should not have shouted at me at subordinates“ it is no good. Correct option: “He had to invite me to smoke and tell where I bungled“.
Step the third . It is detailed to answer a question: why, from my point of view, it had to arrive quite so. ( From what proceeds belief: laws, traditions, accepted standards etc. ).
Step the fourth . What reasons of his such behavior could be? (Explanation, not a justification). To list possible options.
Step the fifth . Whether he knew about my expectations, with all acts this way or only with me?
Step of the sixth . Whether it is capable in general of what I from it waited for? Whether could meet my expectations, in principle?
Step of the seventh . What feelings and emotions accompanied my offense? (Anger? Fear? Hatred? Hopelessness? etc.)
Step of the eighth . Forgiveness.
The forgiveness is not a justification. Forgiveness and farewell - words of one root. This remission, disposal of reason of offense. I cannot force it to behave as I want. I cannot control it. I give it an opportunity to become facing reality and most to correct the errors.
needs to create an image of forgiveness - a symbol, an image. At me, for example, it is light stream, my friends have at whom an image of a birch who has roads at whom - the sky.
Razmysliye of offense comes to an end with actually with forgiveness : pronunciation of forgiveness on the following algorithm which is surely including keywords .
Algorithm of forgiveness:
to Imagine offense and the person who put it, to connect to offense and to address the imagined offender, accurately pronouncing keywords:
1. “You are guilty to me that …“ (The more details, the better). To speak what agreements were violated, to check whether showed everything.
2. “It would be correct if you acted this way …“ (In a positive, without particle not ).
3. “I think, you had reasons to arrive as you arrived...“ to Describe possible, on the representation.
4. “In spite of the fact that you had reasons, I feel offense and...“ (That else? All accompanying feelings that nothing remained).
5. “In spite of the fact that you made, and despite my feelings, I decided to forgive you“. (It is conscious to release).
6. “It does not mean that it was not, but I release you“. (To cause an image of forgiveness, to connect to it, to give a love stream for forgiven).
Process of forgiveness painful. But if not to get rid of offense, it will destroy the person.