Rus Articles Journal

Or how to write the detective story

Earlier I wrote Mrs. Vanderbilt only on policy subjects. Working in one solid Moscow publishing house, many years got used to light visits of the head of state to the different countries. I was in the Presidential pool and that says it all. Money paid very and very quite good. I will hang out where - nibud at the summit in Brussels or a forum in Tokyo. Gin, whisky, martini. Girls - journalists listen spellbound, devour every word.

- And at very best interviewed a fireplace?

Well, you will indulgently tell with different fine details here and in the morning one of them already serves coffee in a smart penthouse.

But I before crisis tell it to you. Struck on publishing house strongly. I in October from a pool, in January with things on an exit. In March the bank ran. Two-room on Plyushchikha - dream of the idiot - the political strategist. The installment already three times profukat. I this way and that. Showed a photo. Here Putin and I. Here the same and Berlusconi. And here I - all such macho - and Putin somewhere there, on a background. “And that you should wait a little until everything returns into place“.

The chief of credit department is Masha Sviridova. Red such - the bitch. “The past is not converted into percent on the credit. Heard as you that from good life and a face about asphalt. Tomorrow bailiffs on a threshold or money for a barrel“! And as happened earlier - “and Vitaly Pavlovich, and you our most favourite client and say hello to those above - at - at - at - at“.

Fie. It is necessary - that some twenty thousand green. Got as a dog on border between Northern and the Southern Koreas. It is a pity to move down from Plyushchikha, got used - the page

Something should be done. But that?

Bothered to stay at home with these sad thoughts. Came to a staircase to smoke. The neigbour - the aunt Nyura. The widow of the big general, pulyavshy across Kamchatka from submarines.

- I you again, again insistently asked not to shake ashes in flower pots. And here to you at all not a smoking area.

I, probably, at the same time thought: “This ninny will move down soon, and the house will live still. Without “Hot red pepers“ shouting from a stereosystem and “bad red gerls“ leaving in the mornings in a huff of an entrance.

For those who not in a subject. “Hot red pepers“ in its translation is hot red peppers. And “bad red gerls“ - bad red little girls.

However, I did not manage to get far into thoughts of the widow well-known Soviet generals in connection with her disappearance behind loudly closed iron door. Boom - m - m - m - mmmm.

Stuffy and hot.

Vyshchel on the street, on fresh air. Uzbek Iskander with an inscription on a back of “Mosdvorochistk“ or something like that sweeps the yard. Vzhik - vzhik. Vzhik - vzhik. Rhythmically so, quietly. It was thought: “it is good to it, Iskander“. Vzhik - vzhik every morning and the room office under a ladder. Can become on its place?

- Dear Iskander, let`s me the broom test!

The Uzbek scaredly pressed the broom to a breast, letting know that as fascists did not take Stalingrad, and I will not take away the only source of its income.

An empty package from - under milk rustling defiled towards a sandbox. On a bench the guy and the girl kissed. Or two girls. Or two guys. Who will sort them now. The unisex rules the world.

From above the stub of “Malboro“ arrived, and having fallen to me on the head rolled down on the earth. I popytalsyavzglyady to find the place of start of a stub, but heard only: “Shreds, close a balcony and go to take a walk with Franz“.

In a minute in the yard the case two on two responding addressed to Shreds, attached to a little dwarfish poodle seemed.

“Probably, it is also Franz“, - I thought. That, probably, having taken me for a cable column, raised a leg and peed on the Italian shoe.

Shreds contemptuously hemmed.

I began to look for the place more quietly to commit this worthless suicide. I see - trash cans. Well, I think, the fact that it is necessary. There is already no place to slide further.

And here Svetka from the third floor, together we smoke at an entrance.

- Oh, hi, Vitalik. You want to earn additionally. The order burns. The ironical detective story with sensuality elements. Presence of the maniac in a plot - is obligatory. The author - here she called very known surname. - To hand over tomorrow. Money at once. Heard, you have problems?

All Moscow will be aware of my troubles soon. Agreed so far the package of Svetkiny garbage still flew by the container. It was the only chance to be hooked for plyushchikhinsky a poplar, and I used it.

Life is good already the fact that it is full of surprises.

Three cups of coffee. Two in itself, a third on the keyboard, it is good that by. Yandex - the author - a fragment from some “murder in a gate“. Is! Style is caught. The plot is necessary.

- Give, Vitalik, give. You so much everyone there above saw enough - about maniacs will be enough for three novels.

So, went:

“There was a dark night …“ the Beginning came to

easily. I lit the Havana cigar which is extinguished the day before yesterday before birthday in January of mother, delivered my darling to “Mrs. Vanderbilt“ and continued:

“The head of credit department Masha Sviridova left the house without suspecting about

hiding near garbage containers the person in a black raincoat …“ On the following thirty pages I dealt shortly with this red bitch. Oh, what only with it was not made by the maniac who is written off from ours the manager. department of international policy of Mikhail Samuilovich Liberzon - the sweetest person, the fan of skanvord and beautiful women. But externally looking almost like Freddie Kruger. So the name and an image of the maniac were found quickly.

On the thirty first page I relaxed and allowed the citizen Sviridova to escape from sweaty liberzonovskiya of paws. Now on a proscenium it was necessary to let out the young, ironic investigator. The investigator I began to write with myself darling. A hat and - la Delon, Italian glasses from Gucci, a look from Tarantino. Liberzon is decided to be caught and castrated.

The Masha Sviridova all humiliated and lost is given to young, but awfully perspective investigator. So, we lay the love line … I will show it how to demand percent on the credit. I will force to wash legs on the hundred first page. To fry eggs at three o`clock in the morning. A doggie to walk in six and on a frost. All chapter 5 will roar!

Phone rang out. I came off the keyboard and looked in a mirror. Instead of the young and charming investigator Mikhail Samuilovich Liberzon looked at me. I waved with the head, banishing vision, and lifted a tube.

- Vitaly Pavlovich, hello. It from DEZA disturb. At you here bills for March are not paid on a communal flat … I dumped

of the Representative of DEZA during a pursuit of Liberzon from the twentieth floor of a panel high-rise building. That flew very long, hitting against balconies and loggias, frightening at the same time children and pregnant women. Then on it passed a big road skating rink. Two times. No - five. Masha Sviridova ironed to the young and charming investigator of a shirt at this time, cleaned his apartment, and washed a week stock of ware. Soaps erasing tears a make-up from a face. The manicure from well-groomed nogotochok slipped independently.

Uf! Whom still to pripechatat? Gosha Kuroyedov - three years - five pieces also are already clear that will not give. And, how many vodka and other drinks in a hostel was in common destroyed to how many little girls it is promised … Gosha I gave

to Liberzon. While that prepared solution of sulfuric acid in a bathroom, Kuroyedov sat connected by an adhesive tape on a sofa and watched on TV current - the show “Whether It Is Necessary to Repay Debts“.

Then near Gosha I put the patrol crew of traffic police which fined me the other day for speeding on the Garden ring in rush hour. Liberzon was given an additional reserve of sulfuric acid. To the TV the sound is added.

Remembered that the detective everything is ironical. At the latest moment the investigator who rushed into the apartment rescued GAI officers and Kuroyedov. Liberzon left through a balcony. The commander of crew of traffic police shaking out from a note gaiter, tried to hand them to the savior. Gosha entreated and begged to open a stopper in a bathroom.

But at the detective there has to be a sensuality! And to Masha Sviridova on birthday got from the investigator Kamasutroy. Night passed fantastically. Read and tried. Tried and read. Liberzon spotted in the field-glass from an entrance opposite and licked lips. It was necessary to live to it only fifty pages.

I threw out our editor-in-chief who signed the order on my dismissal because of an unsuitability for a profession at the height of five kilometers from a cabin of the jet fighter. His secretary who contemptuously grinned after my exit from the chief`s office was given to a male of a gorilla in the Sukhumi zoo. The former fellow workers are sent in the famous gay club to distribute there leaflets with the image of the mayor of the capital Luzhkov. The neigbour in an entrance Anna Sergeyevna who made the hundred fifth remark concerning suppression of a stub in a flowerpot is taken away by a gang of bikers in the unknown direction. I hope that forever. The waitress from cafe who shortchanged yesterday for eleven rubles, now the fifth wife of the taxi driver from Cairo. A doggie of the neighbor - a dog Franz who raised on me a leg is presented to the Korean guest workers. The neighbor - a case of Shreds - is sent to Uzbekistan to earnings. Masha Sviridova was given several times, and all the time at the same time roared. Mikhail Samuilovich Liberzon was solemnly castrated on the 320th page.


No, not all. I forgot about the name. Having reflected for several seconds, printed:“ Red blood“. Such unexpected and a little tautological. The fact that it is necessary for the thrilling detective story. And that I wrote thrilling detective story I personally did not doubt. On hours was five morning.

I wiped sweat from a forehead and looked round. Behind a window there was a light, summer night. Having decided to smoke and be checked, I went outside. Behind some type in a black raincoat approached.

- Daddy to light will not be?

After a blow to the head and three-week treatment in Sklif I was visited by Svetka from the third floor.

- I found your detective story and gave to our letting out. Here to you advance copy and check. The public already demands continuation. Liberzon - such nice fellow turned out. Well, directly copy of our director. By the way, you from bank were called concerning the mortgage on the car. And from service of bailiffs reported that abroad will not let out. From the former work some laptop is demanded. Well, you will write continuation or how?

- I will be, - I tried to smile. - Surely I will be! - Also it was chopped off.

Passed hour or more. Having opened eyes I found sitting in a white dressing gown near covered with cognac and apples of a little table the manager. department of international policy of Mikhail Samuilovich Liberzon. It a big medical scalpel cleaned apple. Near Mikhail Samuilovich my former colleagues from publishing house crowded.

- Oh, Vitalik woke up, - Liberzon was delighted. - And we brought cognac to you here, decided to visit the friend who got to trouble. What do we read? - Mikhail Samuilovich took the book lying on a bedside table in hand. - “Red blood“. Curiously, very curiously.

At this moment I wanted to die. I closed eyes and presented that I lie on a churchyard under a thick layer of the earth, it is necessary me a big orthodox cross, and brothers on a feather lie nearby. It is a lot of - many brothers. From gloomy thoughts I was distracted by a wild laughter.

Having again opened eyes, I found the fellow workers drinking my cognac, chewing my apples and reading my book. And neighing in all throat.

And Mikhail Samuelyevich Liberzon clapped himself on thighs and quietly pristanyvat:

- Me, maniac. And also castrated. Oh, I will tell Manya, let we will laugh together. Oh, now I will die and I will not get up.

And I understood that everything on in this world not so bad. Who would only deliver my darling to “Mrs. Vanderbilt“ for entire happiness?