From where the conflicts undertake and how to allow them?
Now I will try to describe equipment of the solution of the internal conflict briefly.
To understand how it is connected with three beings in our brain, it is necessary to notice that the person is responsible for thinking and understanding, mammal - for feelings and emotions, a reptile - for deep requirements - safety, sex, stability and a survival.
Unfortunately, within one article I can describe only very simplified option of this equipment. I recognized her from the great trainer of personal growth Oleg Matveev. Apparently, the authorship in such look belongs to it.
So, we will begin with reminiscence of some conflict situation - best of all about that which you still scroll at yourself in a brain with thought: “It was necessary to act then this way - that …“ Now you will be able to screw up at last it up to the end.
(It is not necessary to begin with situations in which there is an obvious threat to a survival at once. It is better to deal at first with a mammal - that is, with the conflicts in which the self-esteem and the status are offended).
1. we Take a sheet of paper and simply we describe a situation. Without estimates, without emotions. As though you watch the movie and just retell that there occurs. “I told it: “Yes as you dare!“, and he answered: “You were forgotten to be asked“, then turned away, left and left in a huff“. Generally, the description has to be such that the opponent if could read it, agreed: “Yes, quite so all also was“.
2. It is described the feelings in this situation. Besides - any estimates! “I felt what it does to me to spite“ is not feeling, but an assessment. We describe feelings: pain, anger, rage, powerlessness, rage, confusion, grief, disappointment …
3. When all feelings are splashed out on paper, we ask ourselves the following question: “And what I wanted from this situation? What did I wait for? What I needed? I wanted“
“That he answered me: “You are right“ …“
“And what it gives me? Feeling of correctness? And what it gives me?“
I so until we reach an essence: I wanted recognition, respect, safety, acceptance, love, understanding … Is excellent
! We showed care of the mammal and reptile. We heard their voice. We understood what they want. Strangely enough - it appears, our desires coincide. The problem was that we instead of satisfying them independently, waited for them satisfaction from other person who, in turn, waited from us for satisfaction of the desires.
And here we apply the ability peculiar only to the person: to put itself to the place of another.
4. we Get into the role of the opponent and we wonder: “And what I feel? “
At first it can seem difficult - from where I can know what he felt? But the imagination quickly will help us. Eventually, it already helped to attribute it various artful thoughts when we looked at a situation from the belltower. And now we will look at it with eyes.
So, we write on behalf of the opponent: “I feel …“
5. we write on behalf of the opponent Now: “I waited from this situation … I wanted … My requirements are …“
6. Having stopped writing, you with surprise will find out that you in many respects wanted same. Just everyone waited for satisfaction of the requirements from another.
7. And, at last, last step: from a position of the detached onlooker look for such decision which would suit both and would satisfy all their requirements.
In what sense of this process?
In - the first, you learn to understand what you actually want and for what you battle. Further you can solve: to behave as a mammal or the person. Remember: for a mammal there is no difference between the past and the present therefore it still sincerely is childly sure that people around have to care and satisfy about it his requirements. As simply it sounds - but exactly here the main reason for the numerous conflicts.
In - the second, the communication of your intelligence with emotions and instincts is better - that you are more harmonious and more complete, the it is less at you than the internal conflicts - and so, and external.
In - the third, this harmony conducts to the fact that instincts and emotions begin to work for you, but not against you. Having worked with several burdensome memories of the past, you will find out that you understand other people in the present better and better - not mind, but intuition. You feel what actually torments the opponent what he wants and why is angry. And you intuitively find the necessary tone and proper words.
It does not mean that you should step on a throat to own song - you already became self-sufficient therefore emotions of the opponent do not cut you to the quick. And what was the rough conflict earlier gradually turns into the pacifying and harmonizing creative game.