Rus Articles Journal

What to do if the husband ceased to help?

“I have such family problem: the father ceased to help us. On my initiative we gave birth together, it was with the son nearly from first minute. The first months it very strongly helped me: sat with the child (I from first week went to shop and walked, then with the child), took out a carriage, walked together with us, bathed together, he washed away in the morning too. Sometimes joked that if it has a breast, then I with the son would not be necessary to them. Of course, the father not mother, I understand. But in the last month at us everything sharply changes.

Now he was engaged in business besides work, and at me such feeling that it is its escape from the house.

Now ceased to help me. Said that we will bathe the child in the evening, he came drunk. Asked to buy in the morning the son of medicine, he “forgot“, but bought bread and from a threshold rushed to “pieces of iron“. Gave money for drugs, it spent for business...

I can understand nothing... Now we swear every day, sometimes at the child. I am helped by his relatives, but it is at most 1 hour a day. During this time I prepare to eat, I eat and I feed his father. Sometimes I sleep with the son in the afternoon (about an hour). I do not understand... I am in charge of housekeeping (4 - room the apartment), I erase on 3 - 4kh, I buy products, I sit with the child... Why I cannot be helped? What to do to me?“ Question to the psychologist.

Well, let`s consider a situation from your husband.

His life was reversed. There was new absolutely helpless little man who requires constant close attention, a continuous inclusiveness in process of communication and care of it.

To your son now five months, so throughout four of them the father very much helped you to be found with the child.

The psychology of men has such feature - they are focused on achievement of result (while women are, as a rule, focused on participation in process). Orientation to result assumes that any action has to have pronounced end, achievement something. Participation in process does not assume achievement of momentary result or end.

Pay attention, the majority of the occupations which are traditionally considered female have procedural signs: at them is not present began, the end. (Whether it is possible to remake all housework whether it is possible to finish education of the child? These are infinite processes) Of course, you can tell that for these four months a certain result was achieved: the kid learned to hold the head, to smile, turn over … Yes you never know what else! However such achievements are result only for mother. Here if the son beat the father in chess - it would be yes! Or could go with the father to garage or the gym …

your father participated four months in “process“ and, at last, broke.

However you can be understood too: care of the child and housekeeping - the same work, as well as any other. Perhaps, even heavier and responsible, than many others. Any worker has to have time for rest. Not that time in which it is possible to make a lunch or to iron diapers, and free time for itself when tea can drink with the favourite book or to lie down in a foamy bathtub … I Assume

that the question of presence at you let of a small amount of free time should be discussed first of all. Perhaps, even permission of many other contradictions will become result of the solution of this question.

Think how to you to find a little free time? At the expense of the nurse, the help of relatives or the husband. When you have an opportunity to have a rest and switch, most likely, you other eyes will see the available difficulties and probable ways of their decision.

Sometimes it is worth slightly - changing slightly a point of view, and essentially new ways of permission, apparently, of desperate situations become visible.