Why parents find it possible not to respect the children?
Let`s talk about our old men - parents, especially mothers. Actually, I also address, mainly, above-mentioned categories of the population. More precisely, that from them who is proud of these ranks. And really, unless it is not proud sounds so popular in the people, for example: “Do not teach the father... (forgive, to make koitus)“, “My. still will teach me“ (it is heard from personal mother of the author), “All the same always leaves in my opinion“ (concerning the predicted failures of the son or daughter, it is told with a boastful look - as, won dispute! It is possible to rejoice...) “Here you will grow up the children - then you will understand what it!“ (at the same time presence of children does not add mind at all - here clearly it is visible)...
Whether we will be able to answer honestly ourselves a question: much we observe families where happily there would be relations between adults (adults!) children and their parents? And between fathers-in-law and the daughter-in-law, fathers-in-law and the son-in-law? However, strangely enough, the second option meets more often including as the union of parents of one of partners with his spouse (spouse) against own son or the daughter. (Though there are also constructive options. I know the young woman deprived in the childhood of original parental love - but not in the standard ways of demonstration / imitation of this love - which found parents if not by birth, then on spirit in the person of the father-in-law and the mother-in-law.)
Actually this subject is very extensive and includes a set of aspects. Let`s try to concern only some moments, considering them as an occasion to reflect - and whether our “correctness“ in the attitude towards own children is so unconditional?
We will begin (that is quite natural) with mothers of small children. The hyper sponsoring mothers are distinguished from them. If people can rationalize negative attitude to adult offsprings in principle their unattractive (from the point of view of parents) behavior, then it is difficult to reproach the small child with “ingratitude“ seriously. At the same time it is known that in most cases behind excessively expressed line of the personality it is necessary to look for her contrast. Mother who is excessively sponsoring the child, certainly, cares for him. But how this care is shown? Most often it concerns satisfaction of physical, material needs of the child and its safety - here mothers of this type do not have equal. Ideally pure bib, socks in tone of T-shirts, hours-long culinary exercises for the sake of couple of spoons of the eaten food … But whether there is a lot of real warmth and understanding of interests of the child in the similar relations? Whether loves his mother as the child (in fact how part of) or how him how identity? Here it is necessary to consider that in our culture it is not accepted to admit dislike for the children. Including it is very hard to admit it and to himself, children should simply be loved. And how to be if we are not able to love? Correctly: to hide this inability behind excessively expressed guardianship.
Elementary disrespect for the personality at children`s age (and the personality already, undoubtedly, is available) usually extends further, to uncertain age. Actually, in it one of the main reasons for friction and the conflicts between generations is also covered. Tendency to inconsiderate invasion into private and intimate life of children is peculiar to our very many compatriots for whom in principle there is no concept of personal space. In the beginning it occurs by the principle “mother (father) knows better that it is necessary to you“, then - just on a habit. In process of a growing of children mother gains the increasing life experience too - so, again knows better.
One more factor - parental egoism. The child is a hostage of parental ambitions, complexes, the tool for squaring of accounts both with other people, and with the world in general. The child “has to“ equal hopes of parents, reach that they could not, lead the life, correct on their concepts, etc. Actually we deal with disrespect for the identity of another again, with refusal to it in the right most to decide how to live. The parental vanity is capable how to help the child - to support with achievement of results on own way and after to bring a reasonable pride for it, and to seriously complicate life. The scenario in this case can develop in several ways.
1. Disappointment of parents concerning not success of a course of life of the son (daughters which or did not manage to realize successfully the scenario ordered by parents from - for lack of tendencies or and did not try to make it. At such development of the situation suffer as parents, so, most likely, and their offspring. Understanding that disappointed close people - moreover of parents (the first significant figures in life of any person) - can be intolerable freight.
2. The successful implementation of the ordered scenario at the price of unreasonable efforts giving - to parents an opportunity to be proud of the offspring, but contrary to original interests of the individual. At this scheme the son / daughter suffers.
3. Achievement of success contrary to desires of parents, is possible - implementation of the anti-scenario. At this scheme even if life of the individual develops successfully both from him, and with standard the points of view, parental pride has definitely no reasons. Success is achieved without thanking, and contrary to parents and, actually, serves as a denial of their own beliefs, values, and eventually, all vital result. Such option of succession of events time is favorable for the person who realized it. But it is necessary to remember: any scenario (though a straight line though) is “anti-“ a tough scheme, the ready course limiting flexibility, mobility, adaptability of the personality. If the aspiration to disprove the schemes ordered by parents begins to prevail over all human life, it can get it so far from the main task of the individual - self-realization - as well as obedient following to will of parents - petty tyrants.
Often the false judgment that the elderly person deserves respect already is the reason of disrespect of parents for children because he is more senior (“We life lived! You will live about my years …“). Theoretically the person of advanced age deserves respect:
- that he cared for us and now has the right to count on reciprocal care;
- over the years he gained invaluable life experience.
For care, undoubtedly, thanks - cared how were able (see about the hyper sponsoring mothers) and has really the right to expect from us reciprocal support. Vital experience is valuable in case does the person wiser. But if once elderly people were, in essence, carriers of the tradition transferred to the next, younger generations, then it far not so presently. As for wisdom, it is not inherent in most of representatives of the senior generation at all. Otherwise from where widespread idea of quarrelsomeness and peevishness of elderly people? If something also profits, then it is rather an offense for the whole world in combination with anywhere not disappearing desire to climb in life long ago of adult children. Wisdom assumes expansion of a picture of the world taking into account wide life experience. And consequently - big flexibility and tolerance to others which cornerstone the knowledge of people, understanding that all of us differ from each other, and respect for identity is. At the same time it is impossible to write off everything for age changes - be it so, similar changes would happen in process of aging to all people with rare exception. But these exceptions are actually not so rare.
Generally, before the grown-up participant problem roditelsko - the children`s relations anyway it is worth - not to turning a complex challenge into the victim of parental complexes or, it is worse than that, in the victim conscious. (I am not guilty, all this mother and the father! - in lips of the huge blockhead sounds, at least, ridiculously.) Nevertheless - not worked out the others, released to the mercy of fate - options promise to the person of a little good.
Article is written in a co-authorship with Natalya Kolpakova