Rus Articles Journal

The child does not hit back … What to do?

my son never hit back when he is offended, character at it such nonaggressive and we learned to solve problems without fists (though now I am already not so sure that it is always possible).

I always protected it from fighters on the street (the question of delivery and protection of torments me for a long time, but read much that till 3 years mother has to solve and try not to allow the conflicts, to show to the child that it always under her protection and with mother nothing is terrible, and lived). But to us already soon 4 and we went to a garden, and now I not with it and in a garden it is offended by boys, and it cannot stand for itself(himself) in any way: looks for protection at the teacher.

It always in perplexity from roughness and as learned to speak, always asks the same question: “Why are pushed / fight / sand on the head pour“ etc. That is he does not understand at all why such unpleasant actions. Says that I told that so it is not necessary why it does? We speak about its feelings much, we discuss the events, but what to tell here, I do not represent. How to teach the son to stand for itself? (A question to the psychologist)

Yes, you are absolutely right while the child cannot stand for himself, functions of protection lie on that adult who is near it, in your case - on mother. It is remarkable that you speak about unpleasant situations with the boy. In - the first, it helps the child to separate from unpleasant memoirs - repeated discussion, clearing of what occurred, reduces emotional coloring of an event, as if “rubs clean“ it. In - the second, it strengthens your contact with the child, forms the confidential relations with it. In - the third, develops system of ideas of the child of the world, about the segment connected with the conflict relations.

What you usually answer questions of the son of that why this or that action is made? It is an important point because it forms bank of ideas of the son of motives of other people. Than this bank will be more extensive, especially reactions of the son and, respectively, his own behavior can become variable. Motives can be the most different, so, among them with high probability there can be a motive - to make cry the one whom you sand. Then to be led up to this state is to meet expectations of the offender. By the way, disclosure of motive to the offender possesses shablonorazryvayushchy action too.

For example, if throwing sand to ask: whether he that it was sanded too wants, gives the following options of succession of events. In - the first, can stop it because the five-year-old child can not expect such turn of events, and there is no wish to be the sprinkled sand to it. Having stopped and having analysed a situation, he can refuse further offensive actions. During its “lag“ it is possible to move to considering, for example, under protection of the tutor if sand is poured by much larger or senior child inclined to communicate destructively in principle.

In - the second if the one who rushes initially did not plan to bring a situation to quarrel, perhaps, further succession of events will go according to the game scenario. In this case there is one important point: the counter question of desire to sprinkle with sand in reply assumes that action is not perceived as offensive, it is rather as the invitation to cheerful game.

We will leave still out of the equation safety of such game. It means that the advance payment is allowed to become better for the offender, to prove from the best party: “I think that you so invite me to play, and do not want to offend at all“. To tell: no, I want to offend you - to show myself from the worst aspect. To respond to the invitation - with the best. Even if it was initially planned to offend. Of course, five-year-old children in a sandbox, skoreevsy, do not conduct such reflections, reaction happens at the intuitive level, but in the similar course.

It is possible to discuss similar things with the child directly, it is possible to do it in a game key, attracting also fantastic options of motives. For example, it is possible to organize the game “What Can Action Mean?“. Boys poured sand what they wanted to tell these?

1. Wanted to quarrel.

2. Wanted to play an obsypaniye sand, so invited in game.

3. Wanted to look how sand is sowed, were incidentally near.

4. Played among themselves, sand was part of other more difficult game.

5. Were fond, could not stop, hoped that will run to complain to the tutor, and that will be able to stop them who got naughty.

Thus, discussing the events with the child, it is possible to analyze various behavior models, its own, fellow students, mutual friends. During this discussion new and new possible ways to react in various situations will be born, the quantity of behavioural models will grow.