Secrets of communication with the teenager - what they?
Teenage difficulties include unexpected and sharp differences of mood without the reasons, sufficient on that, special attention to the appearance, to an assessment of the personality by other people - and at the same time self-confidence and categoricalness, sentimentality - and surprising callousness in relation to relatives, shyness - and forwardness (generally ostentatious, “on public“), emergence of idols - and fight against authorities, well and a classical dilemma “to be as all - to stand out from the crowd“.
So, we will continue the acquaintance to problems of teenage age begun in the previous material.
Problem third: (with it) it became impossible to talk to it!
What you told the son or the daughter, he (she) by all means takes a position of self-defense and a total self-justification in talk on features of own behavior. The lowered mood, negativism, excessively critical relation to habitual things, events, family traditions becomes norm suddenly. Quite often we encounter irascibility, unmotivated aggression and irascibility of the son or daughter. Still yesterday such appeasable, grown-up “child“ slightly that - insists on desire always and everywhere to arrive “in own way“, seeks to be fenced off from parents, to show how their hobbies and views are alien to it - up to aspiration to live separately or to go to study to other city. Extreme option are escapes from the house and “to live vagrancy when they are caused by desire on freedom“.
At the same time both truancies, and escapes mean not only disposal of difficulties, but also attraction to themselves of attention (says the fact that, having run away, teenagers often keep near the house about it, try to get on eyes the acquaintance or go there where, hope, they will be looked for). With the same purpose (to return the lost attention) teenagers the deliberate defying by alcoholization causing behavior in public places, etc. can be used. All these demonstrations through acts as if speak: “Well pay attention to me! Did not see me while I was good - then I will be bad, only notice me - otherwise I will be gone!“
Desire to separate - partly a natural stage through which there passes a teenager and is called it “reaction of emancipation“. However it is characteristic that rejection of adults and aspiration to separation at the teenager of subjects is stronger, than more we sponsor the child and we deprive of it independence in decisions and acts, than petty control from adults is stronger, than more we sin with the attitude towards the teenager as to the small child, than to it we make a big claim - we demand excellent study, achievements in sport etc. of
What to do?
In - the first, together with the teenager to develop the circle of decisions accepted for your family which he can independently accept (what to put on whom to invite to birthday); a circle of the decisions made in common (whether to go to excursion with friends to other city; where to study); and to separate the moments, decisions on which are made only by adults (distribution of the family budget, the residence of a family etc.) .
You remember, main here - two moments :
1) sequence and obligation to execution (and not so that today - as agreed, and tomorrow - as the father, because he not will tell in the spirit of);
2) the circle of independently made decisions extends over time (that yet not on a shoulder 12 - summer, 15 - summer will quite master).
In - the second to remember a magic formula of submission of information each other: we operate “I - messages“ instead of “you - messages“. All of us have the right for feelings including negative - if to put something got up, we cannot (and should not!) with a lovely smile and the Olympic tranquility to speak “than the child played“ … Another matter - how to present the emotions and words so that to achieve desirable result, but not opposite.
Feel a difference between statements: “You are just a bastard, you are waited by a colony after everything that you did, you always as if on purpose do only mucks!!!“ and “I in horror from such behavior, am very strongly upset, such acts are unacceptable for me“. The same intensity of emotions, and obeys in a different way because in the second case the parent speaks about the feelings, but not about the identity of the son or the daughter, and, besides, there are no generalizations which disguise truth to unrecognizability (“you were late today“ sounds much more fairly, than “you are late eternally!“).
Problem fourth: he absolutely ceased to study, nothing is necessary to him, grew lazy and lost interest in everything on light! Often teenage age gives
surprises like loss of interest in study, sport and the hobbies which were earlier giving pleasure and being an essential part of the life of the teenager, the increased reserve, aspiration to retire, discharge from participation in life of a family and society (educational, sports, friendly collective).
How to react to it?
In - the first, we will take for granted that the teenager has a revaluation of values. At elementary school the boy liked music, and in the sixth class he understood that a lot more interesting exists: history, geography, physics with chemistry … And career of the pianist does not seduce it any more - to horror of mother. At the age of 10 years the girl liked to go to art school, and in 13 - 14 it understands that in “big“ life she will not be an artist, and drawing will remain unless as a hobby - from here aspiration “to throw and not to be engaged in useless business“, accompanied with parental shouts: “So many years are spent for it!!!“. Discuss with the teenager as he sees the future whom he would like to become and why that it is necessary to it for achievement of the purpose (what objects what efforts) - and to you, and to it it will be more clear what it is worth spending forces and time for.
In - the second, we will not forget that an organism growing - power-intensive process. Still yesterday children`s, the teenager`s body for the short period (few years) undergoes enormous changes at the level of physiology therefore it is not surprising that he is tired - both physically, and is sincere. It needs time “to master“, “digest“ all volume of information, on it fallen down - therefore he dreams, dreams, makes plans, develops the philosophical concepts - that is does all that we, parents, capaciously get in the phrase for: “Lies on a sofa and idles“. Especially as externally it and looks. You treat with understanding to the fact that the teenager needs some time for that being “too lazy“. And at the same time look narrowly at yourself - whether you have also certain addiction: lying on a sofa, to look thoughtfully in the flickering TV?
There are some more typical difficulties of teenage age, but about them - in the following material.