How to help the child to endure divorce of parents? Senselessly watched
of Wan in a ceiling. On homework, a new subject he could not answer any questions.
Me such behavior of the round excellent student became unclear, and I left it after a lesson for clearing of a situation. On my simple question:
- Vanya, at you something happened? - the twelve-year-old boy had tears in the eyes.
- the father left us …
Needed several serious talk with Vanya, with his parents (for some reason at us it is not accepted to address the psychologist, the majority considers that this expert works only with sick, abnormal people though it precisely not so …) that the boy started over again smiling and restored progress.
As a matter of experience and the analysis of consequences of stains of parents of my pupils, I came to the following conclusions:
1. Any child will be never happy when his father and mother cease to love each other and leave. It needs to be understood always when you are on a divorce threshold, but still you can stop it. To break - not to build. However it is bad to live with the unloved person too. You set the behavior an example for the children.
2. Divorce is the most painful not for adults, and for children. For them this tragic incident, is similar to loss of the loved one unless children in a family suffered from constant showdowns, alcoholism, violence etc. by Psychologists is proved to
that it is better to raise children in a comfortable situation alone, than to pull a yoke of scandals and to pour out a constant negative at children in a full family. It is impossible to manipulate children and to confer on them responsibility for preservation of the relations. Some manage to reproach children that they for the sake of them offered everything. Children grow up closed, diffident, with constant sense of guilt and neurosises.
You should not torment each other: if did not grow together, and your any efforts did not lead to reconciliation, then there`s nothing to be done. But if there are children, then not to be necessary to justify and be covered with them. To silly try to keep a family, allegedly only for the sake of them, to sacrifice itself. From it children will become happier not. The child feels when his parents are indifferent to each other. It is better already to try to keep good relations after divorce. A conclusion is simple: it is necessary to keep a family for the sake of itself! Happy children grow up at happy parents!
3. If children of preschool or school age, in case of divorce it is not necessary to pull down in a root their habitual way of life, that is to change kindergarten or school. Having exactly kept tenor of life of the child, it is possible to facilitate experiences and a stress.
4. At divorce it is very important both in thoughts, and in words, and in acts to avoid confusion of concepts. Having divorced, the husband and the wife stop being each other the husband and the wife, but at the same time it is impossible to forget that for the child they forever will remain mother and the father, his parents! And irrespective of with which of spouses the child remained to live, both the father, and mother are responsible for his future equally.
5. The former spouses have to treat with respect to each other. Without insults (you loved this person, gave birth to him to the child therefore insults in its address are humiliating also for you, and also are offensive for the child). And it is necessary that all in a family (both grandmothers, and grandfathers, and other family members on both sides) understood it. If the father and mother roughly talk with each other, argue on something, the child is nervous too. His concern is expressed in refusal of study, in a carelessness, in a behavior randomness, in aggression and roughness to people around and at school.
6. It is better for the child with that parent who has less negative in relation to another. It is better for the child with kinder parent! At the same time communication with both parents is necessary. If for any reason communication is impossible, then the photo of the father (mother) surely has to stand houses in a visible place. And grandfathers (grandmothers), uncles (aunts) should play more active role in the child`s life, creating in his consciousness samples for man`s (female) behavior.
7. Divorce is not the end of life, this beginning of a new stage. You can and have to look for the soulmate, it is impossible to sacrifice the private life for the child because to him also your good health is important. Forgive for the fact that you were stopped loving, left to other person, and let the former spouse go in peace. Your attitude towards him is transferred to the child, and any negative, anger, offense, the rage and envy will obviously not do good to children`s mentality.
8. It is better to tell the child about divorce together with the former spouse. Quietly, without emotions. It is possible in a situation which will reduce a stress, - for example, by candlelight, with a cake. That the child understood - parents get divorced, but they remain with it (nobody throws it, it is not guilty of anything), they still love it. To hide the truth about the new relations, is not necessary to a new family of other parent. The third parties also can tell the child about it that completely will depreciate your care of it. Especially, the century at lie is short.
So, the responsible divorced spouses having children when forming the new relations after parting think not of themselves, not of the ambitions, benefits, feelings, and of the benefit of children.
The complete separation of the relations between parents when they stop being allies in education of the general child, is extremely negatively reflected on its mental health that is surely reflected in his behavior and breaks mental functions, such as attention, memory, perception and communication with people around.
Protect the Family!