Dependence in the relations: what can it be attractive by?
Dependence - by and large - transfer of the freedom to choose to Another. To the person, substance, food, social system etc. Let`s look what benefits can be received in this exchange - what to receive in exchange?
It will be a question of adults since in the childhood dependence is a basic frame of existence. Of course, the foundation for ability to be independent is laid in early years of life, and the child daily tries to carry out the freedom of choice, but by and large years to 17 - 18 we have no opportunity to survive elementary without care of Another. I think that ability to self-sufficiency of vital requirements - in a roof over the head, food and the minimum means of livelihood - gives us rather real chance of independence.
Dependence on the relations … A case from my practice. T., 38 - the summer woman, mother of two children of 8 and 10 years, 14 years in marriage. Children “were given“ very difficult - pregnancy, childbirth, frequent diseases in the early childhood, and for years of family life of T. worked very little. The family was provided by the husband - according to her, “workaholic“. Very exacting in life - to quality of cleaning - washings - cooking. A little taking part in family daily occurrence.
A few years ago the husband “legalized“ the relations with the mistress. And point on its freedom from obligations of marital fidelity was published in family “contract“. At the same time it continues to support financially a family, sometimes disappearing for several days - weeks, and then appearing with the only response to reproaches: “I - such what is! It is impossible to change me!“ The last year the husband generally lives on the rental apartment. However periodically restores the matrimonial rights.
T. in this situation - according to her - feels “suspended“. The husband answers her talk on divorce: “It is necessary to you - you and get divorced, and everything suits me“. However to make up the mind to this step of T. terribly. Emotional background of T. it is loaded with a hopelessness, rage, experience of the powerlessness and feeling of the victim having over it the power and at the same time freedom from matrimonial obligations of the husband, significant for it. However, seemingly, alarms of uncertainty of a pole of its possible “release“ from this smothering situation and revision of the family relations frighten her even more …
For me just “podveshennost“ in this situation a little. I perceive her today`s life as quite carried out choice. As preference of definiteness of dependence of uncertainty of possible changes. Yes, her life is painful and crowded with “heavy“ emotions. But are cast and accurately recorded. It is poor, weak “crumb“, he is a rascal and the villain. It has an addressee for rage - anger - charges of burdens and disorders of life. The husband “is guilty“ of her feeling of low-realized in life. In reality of T. - good level the master in the whole set of professions also has history of professional success both to, and during a marriage.
My work is directed to realizing the advantages of her today`s life holding it within this dependence. And to poissledovat possible pluses and minuses of its “release“. Consciously to accept the current situation as the choice.
In dependence we receive “roof“. The one who “takes“ the responsibility for my acts - decisions.
In self-determination there is much more uncertainty and the alarm connected with it, than in dependence. Dependence “roof“, certainly, can cause a heap of negative emotions - something in the life to change rage, anger, a protest, despondency, feeling of the powerlessness in conformity to the preferences and tastes. But at the same time it gives the addressee to all these negative feelings, “guilty“ that life - is unfortunate … When I decide to move off in searches of the happiness, I risk to get under “heavy rain“ of unjustified hopes, to “bog“ of unrealized expectations much more … Expectations from … And whom then to blame with whom to be angry? Well - on … And it will be more opposite, than on certain Another … it is simpler to Adresno`s
to be angry, than to be anxious from uncertainty of the efforts and attempts in search of self-determination - as you think? And grown in the relations detsko - parental dependence, we precisely know all bonuses of this position. And our old ways of “behind-the-scenes“ fight and children`s protests and resistance - at us.
But meanings of acts and decisions precisely always remain yours. And it is possible to work with them. Checking their relevance. Their today`s benefit. Opportunities which they give, and opportunities which they block.
When you begin to comprehend slowly today`s dependence as the free choice, your position gradually changes. In - the first, you leave a pose of the Victim. Which is mistreated by “angry people“. And which destiny - to survive, having thrust the desires and will you understand where. If it is your choice - you gradually begin to reflect why you do it day by day? And still: if to recognize freedom to choose - energy precisely will appear to poissledovat possibilities of other elections. On the adult, today`s energiya, having left from a children`s protest and powerlessness of the rage …
dependence Recognition as conscious choice levels us in relation to that or to what what we depend now on. “Yes, I choose now to remain with you since it is convenient to me - favourably on it is and it is to parameters and reasons“ Here! You leave this hated pole of weakness and rage - and begin to clear up benefits - including unconscious - the today`s choice.
Well and then it is possible to make up the mind to the following step - and as far as these bonuses are actual in yours “here and now“? And whether it is possible to receive all this somehow in a different way?
And still thing, important for me. Work on clearing of risks of other choice. For example, as in the example given here - decisions to get divorced. And why exactly at once to get divorced? If at the husband it turned out “to remake“ the family contract, quite perhaps, as the wife will have enough resources to make the “amendments“ “leveling“ for her the situation which is hardly postponed now.
In any life situation the choice is always, even when we very much try to ignore its options, possible for us. And understanding of the authorship even in the most painful and opposite choice can help us to return itself though some power over a situation and freedom of “maneuver“ …