I-! How to accustom the child to independence?
independence are considered Presently one of the most important qualities of the modern person - and independence in this case is meant in a broad sense: ability to solve the problems (including household), without charging with them others shoulders, ability to make decisions most, without shifting responsibility to friends and the family.
Certainly, it is valuable qualities. However by inheritance, as color of eyes, they are not transferred and are not on a silver platter. Therefore, independence should be cultivated. How? We will also talk about it in this article.
For development of ability to solve problems independently and to be able to separate itself from parents, to realize itself capable to independent acts and the moments in life (it is clear that this is not about global) there are senzitivny (favorable) periods: age “I“ (2 - 3 years), the introduction in school age (7 years), the beginning of the teenage period (11 - 12 years) and the introduction in youth (16 - 17 years). And at seven-year age it sometimes is even safer - hormones do not extinguish reason, as at teenagers; and 16 - 17 years are in general the last chance and if the person at this age does not learn to resolve issues independently within the competence (and often does not learn, especially if in due time suppressed it at the previous stages), then to it already and it will not want, and parents will direct it to pension.
For the first time parents face an independence problem when the kid is 2 years old. The period of 2 - 3 years is called crisis “I“, and with an ulterior motive: at this age the child for the first time realizes that it - the personality, certain of parents, that it - not continuation, not part of mother or father, - and the independent person. Independent! And the child begins to check limits of this independence with enthusiasm: what can it itself and what to it for it will be?
Contrary to ordinary opinion, the child does not scoff at parents - he only experimentally checks borders of legal: “I will make so - what will be? And if - so? And still this? So, mother swears … And I all the same will continue - interestingly what will be? Oh - oh - oh, now everything, stop, I already understood that to me will be and I do not want it!“
Yes, in a year the child gets acquainted with the first it “is impossible“ - but then does not come to its mind actively yet to protest against them. And in 2 - 3 years it becomes an urgent need. What to do to parents in this situation? Everything to forbid
But the child - not a polecat, and you will not cage him. Bans, of course, accurately form behavioural and moral borders of the personality, and the little man will understand that it is impossible to steal, lie, peach … It is quite good. It is even remarkable. (However, it would be possible to inform of all this the child not only bans, but also a personal example).
But whether the kid at such approach will acquire that - it is possible for it? Its world, it in this situation all from continuous “is impossible“ consists. And what is possible - that? What will he resolve - himself? And how such person will explain then to the children that is possible in this world? People at whom the consciousness consists entirely from “no“, stop - signals and bans - unhappy people … to
Perhaps on the contrary - everything to allow?
Such approach quite often practices those liberally adjusted parents who consider that all will make life. Jumped on pools contrary to parental manuals - go with wet legs and pains then. Bill of friends a shovel on the head - reconcile to the fact that nobody wants to be found in the yard with you. Did not study, despite parental arguments about advantage of education - load oranges barrels.
Pluses of this way consist that such approach teaches the child to assume responsibility for all the acts. Quality, certainly, extremely valuable. And here that interestingly: despite the seeming cruelty and coldness of such approach, it is extremely effective, and children of such parents are independent and reasonable since childhood beyond the years.
But also here not to do without sense of proportion in any way, otherwise not pluses, but minuses begin any more: when education becomes too detached - contemplate, the child just risks to die or become a cripple. - to the preschool child it is difficult for kid to learn “to take the responsibility for all the acts“ - and the will at him is not developed yet, and ability to expect consequences of the actions is formed gradually too, but not given since the birth.
Therefore philosophically to watch how the child puts fingers in the socket, climbs on a very tall tree, runs out on the carriageway or drags money at schoolmates, it is not recommended because all this comes to an end practically always equally - badly.
How to observe golden mean?
In - the first, accurately to designate borders: the child has to understand not only that it “is impossible“, but also that “is possible“. The world in which nothing is impossible is the world dim and sad, and, of course, such situation literally provokes to a protest - and you as behaved on the place of the child for which eternally all it is impossible? You a priori mean it that “everything that is not forbidden“ is authorized - but the child - that does not know it. Here also tries a situation on tooth: “Mother told that it is impossible to knock on a case … And on a floor - it is possible? A spoon it is impossible, and a cube - it is possible?“ And we mistakenly qualify such actions as a malicious nervomotatelstvo, and it not so - it just your child defines a measure of the independence.
In - the second to create not provocative habitat around the child. Of course, if on shelves there are pretty crystal features who will keep from that not to touch them, and the friend about the friend is better - to knock with them, they so beautifully ring … Oops, they also fight!
But if to try to clean all that easily spoils, breaks and it is unsafe for the child (or it is just expensive to you as memory) - the conflicts will become much less. Eventually, it not forever.
If parents during this period were rather wise, did not “strangle“ an initiative of the child, - they are good fellows, and further to them it will be much simpler.
However if severity and bans (or suffocating hyper guardianship) parents suppressed will of the kid, further perhaps several unpleasant scenarios. Or the person who all life should “be driven for the handle“ and who from mother - on a step will grow up (it is good in 3 years, it is indisputable … but in 33?) . Or the child with double morals will turn out: houses - “the killed meek creature“, outdoors - a small aggressor; or, on the contrary - the house tyrant, which with all others - the nice fellow and the lassie.
But the child grows, and here before you already new problems: 5 - 7 years (the senior preschool), and in particular 7 - 9 years (younger school age) when it already not round the clock is “at a mother`s skirt“, and begin to contact independently to surrounding reality and the circle of his communication significantly grows.
Here it is already not only about independence, but also about safety, inseparably linked with it, with which bases the child needs to be acquainted.
Of course, children mature differently, they have a different temperament and bents - therefore think, solve: what will seem madness with one child, will be logical and justified with another. But each parent is free to solve on the discretion here - I gave only the general reference points. Do not try to be nonideal - be just rather good and reasonable, and besides for the child, but not for other people.