What is false emotional self-defense dangerous by?
None of us do not want to be rejected by others. Pain and fear to be again objectionable - one of the most hard feelings which is endured by the person. We try to do everything possible that in our forces that people around did not wound us.
Overcoming of mental anguish requires more efforts, than for overcoming physical. Therefore - that people also build difficult protective systems as much as possible to protect themselves from possible new sufferings. These invisible walls are looked through in the relations with other people. Often they are veiled by various masks.
We will consider three types of emotional self-defense in this article. What they are? And what do harm to the person?
1. Silent oaths.
are promises which are made to themselves. They can sound approximately so.
“ Nobody ever will offend me any more! “
“ I will not allow to mistreat myself any more! “
“ I will not let anybody in my soul any more! “
“ Nobody will never control more me! “
“ From now on nobody will begin to teach me any more how to live! “
Such promises are said more than once, and again and again. Situation: in a family mother tries to teach the offsprings to eat properly, forbidding them sweet. She speaks: “ You will not eat it! “ She made from this the law instead of occasionally allowing children to use sweets. The forbidden fruit, as we know, is sweet.
Its actions push children to swear to themselves an oath: “ When I leave from here, I will eat everything that will fall of me into hands, and nobody will never say that something is impossible for me! “. In a consequence the majority of them suffers from the improper chaotic feeding as made similar promises.
2. Self-deception or pretense.
Somebody can ask you: “ It was offensive for You for it? “ If your answer: “ Well, me all the same! It does not concern me at all! “ - you lay, first of all, to yourself. Can seem that for you it is really indifferent, but if to dig more deeply, such questions touch your internal not healed “ wound “ again and again.
Instead of allowing the nursed grievance and pain to come to light just as there is a pus a physical wound, you push this pain more deeply and further even more carefully. Outside you impose quick a plaster: “ And me all the same! “. Also you think that the problem does not exist.
Example. Some people are not able to recognize death of the loved one. They speak to themselves: “ No, it happened not to me! I cannot believe in it! “. But same deception, the next reception to secure the emotions. Yes, it is difficult to endure similar, but it is better to look to the truth in eyes. “ Yes, the person close to me died, and is very painful to me! It was part of my life. But mine - that life did not end. I know that I need time for sincere restoration, but I will find forces also I will cope with everything that waits for me ahead! “
If you do not accept this or that loss as reality if, having felt the slightest pain, you erect walls, then you risk to remain with this pain forever. And old pain - is old pain. It is much more artful than ten new.
3. “ Purchase “ benevolent relation.
it is good to b to love those who also treat you kindly. But you will not be dear to all. And here, to protect itself from new mental anguishes, people thought up protective reception “ purchases “ relations. There is a peculiar emotional barter - “ I will be with you friendly, I will even present with gifts and to do different to a gratefulness, and you do not drive me and do not reject “.
This reception is quite unsafe and has not " at all; kind face “. Can seem to you that some person is very lovely to you that you heartily wish well to him. But, actually, your relation is not disinterested. To expose this secret enemy happens sometimes not simply, but it is quite real.
The excellent indicator for the correct assessment of your actions such is. If you make to other person a gift or good heartily, you have to have inexpressible and genuine feeling of pleasure and happiness. Inside there will be a feeling as sweet languor spreads on all your nature.
One my acquaintance a long time suffered from fear to be rejected. It had strong uncertainty in attempts to approach other people. Only having begun to arise, the relations sharply spoiled from the very beginning. As soon as it found the person ready to listen to it, to show to it attention (not very well, the man or the woman), it began to send he (she) gifts and to annoy the importunate presence (even by phone).
Its acts became too persuasive. Any sense of equilibrium in her behavior was lost. If you asked it why she so behaves, the answer was: “ I just tried to be dobra in relation to people “. And actually she tried “ to buy “ protection against a real opportunity to be rejected. Even the most good intentions and acts can give a boomerang effect. Why? Because people are capable to feel true motive of your actions.
Think whether you use any of the listed receptions? If yes, that you need quicker to learn to distinguish them that your emotions became healthy and harmonious, and the relations with people - sincere and benevolent really.