How not to be involved in the conflict?
When on the street it is raining, we stay at home, or we take with ourselves an umbrella, but we do not abuse the sky and clouds. We know that we laws under which it is raining, do not depend on us and just try in process of forces and opportunities to adapt to them.
But there is a conflict in a family, at work, on the street or in transport, and instead of bewitching, magic sounds of harmonious communication, the scratch of the tired-out hearts and a crash of the broken destinies is distributed to love.
Always it seems that if not evil will of our partner in communication, then the conflict would not be. And of what our partner thinks? About the same. We mentally try to impose to the person this or that style of behavior. We win against it, we drive into the corner and for a while we calm down as it seems to us that we gained a certain experience in this conflict. And what is done by our partner? The same.
Often we do not suspect that laws of communication are as objective as laws of the nature and society. Conflict emergence, also as well as its avoidance, completely depends on partners in communication. Family members, fellow workers or absolutely not familiar people can be these partners. But here ways of an exit from a conflict situation are identical:
1. Entering dialogue with the partner, we have to remember that we communicate with the person, which about ourselves good opinion. It needs to be emphasized very clearly, creation of phrases during conversation, it is important to watch that there were no scornful gestures, an indulgent look, etc. of
2 also. The answer which we want to hear from the partner (or orchestra seats from us) is programmed in the question. Also it is not simply programmed. It is the answer compelled. If the answer of the partner does not suit us (and it is compelled), we asked not that question.
3. Immediate consent with arguments of the partner. What the partner counts on, addressing us with these or those offers? It is easy to guess - on our consent. All organism, all exchange processes, all mentality are ready for it. And suddenly we refuse. How at the same time he to himself feels? Remember how you felt when you invited the girl to dance or at cinema, and refused to you! In the negative it is possible to answer later, or to bring the partner to him.
4. If on your offer you were answered in the negative, agree with the partner and ask again, having changed at the same time a question context.
Examples of an exit from a conflict situation can be found in “ Adventures of the gallant soldier Shveyk “. One of heroes of the book second lieutenant Dub, talking to soldiers, usually said: “ You know me? No, you do not know me! You know me from the good party, but you recognize me also from the bad party. I will make you cry “. Once Shveyk faced the second lieutenant Dub.
- You what lounge about here? - he asked Shveyk. - You know me? on
- I Will dare to report, I would not want to recognize you from the bad party.
the Second lieutenant Dub grew dumb with impudence, and Shveyk quietly continued: on
- I Will dare to report, I want to know you only from the good party that you did not make me cry as desired to promise last time.
At the second lieutenant Duba had the heart only on beginning to yell:
- Go away, we still will talk to you! Carnegie`s
in such cases offers: “ Tell about yourself all that your accuser is going to make, and you deprive of wind of its sail “. Or, as the proverb has it: “ A fault confessed is half redressed “.
There is a question: and how partner? We win and what will be with it? In that is that and feature of psychological fight is that there are no winners and won here. Here or both win or both lose. Therefore your victory will be also a victory of your partner.
And finally: you remember, please, that any, even the most interesting, work causes this or that tension in an organism. Organism “ overheats “. The best “ cooler “ the pleasure of love is. And if it is absent? Then the conflict comes to the rescue. So, the best prevention of the conflict - love.
Happiness to you and love!