“ Daughters are mothers “ - rivalry or cooperation? There are no
anything stronger than maternal love and there is nothing more terribly than the conflict between mother and the child. The umbilical cord on which juice from mother to the daughter ran had to wither and release the girl on freedom in time. But sometimes everything develops differently. Daughters mature, mothers grow old, and the invisible thread between them does not hurry to be torn, entangling the woman, tying by it hands and legs.
I understand that I touch upon very difficult subject now and I can receive the mass of unflattering comments from mothers whose corns will be trodden on in my article. But, dear women, I ask you soberly, as far as possible at female emotionality, to look at this problem from which both mothers, and their daughters suffer. Unfortunately, psychologists are forced to establish the fact that so to spoil life to the child as it can do mother, seldom who manages.
The matter is that the maternal feeling has the biological beginning, in difference, say, from fatherly in which this beginning - social. What does it mean? Father`s duties are in providing a family, to surround it with care according to accepted standards. The motherhood is a blind love, somewhere even - an animal instinct. And there are relations with the " prefix; hyper “: hyper guardianship, hyper control, hyper offense, hyper quarrel … And in this atmosphere there is no place left for formation of the normal personal relations.
As a rule, difficulties in the relations with the daughter develop thus at mothers who did not have the private life. And here, having received such stroke of bad luck, the woman instead of building the private life, steeps in education of the daughter. So far the daughter the child, it still it is possible to bear, but when there comes the second crisis of independence (the first begins in 3 - 4 years, the second in 14 - 15), and the girl begins to fight for herself, defending the autonomy, it is necessary to release the child. In this very important time there is a formation of the relations with mother, and from mother most often and depends what they will be. Correct is when mother and the daughter of the girlfriend, partners. Wrong - terribly confused ball of sadomasochist torments when mother and the daughter at the same time both love, and hate each other. And this ball happens very difficult to untangle even to the psychotherapist.
Happens that the daughter reminds mother of the hated husband - the rascal that left a family, and she at the subconscious level revenges it for it. And sometimes mother sees the competitor in the daughter if both of them are the taken place, developed persons. Such relations can proceed all life. And very painfully to look on 80 - summer mother at whom there comes the instant of enlightenment and she apologizes to the 60 - the summer daughter, the old maid forced to take out from - under it the vessel. Also believe, these are not fictional characters.
Often “ wrong “ the relations are built with the daughter by those mothers who do not wish to work on the personality. For them it is senseless to study, to develop, do career or to earn money. They speak to themselves: “ I am a mother, and that says it all “. Mother “ endows “ by itself for the sake of the daughter, also wants to do it all life therefore when the daughter applies for independence, it cannot and does not want to release it, she for the sake of it lives. If the daughter leaves, then who will fill this emptiness?
Artful in this regard are also mothers who demand from the daughters to pay all bills. They appeal the fact that all the life was spent for the child, and now need their attention and love. And daughters are forced to give them this attention. Tell, unless parents are obliged to demand love from the children? No, by no means. Children have to give the love further - to the children that this circle did not become isolated. And if your children were correctly raised, then they should not remind of themselves, especially to demand something from them. They also perfectly know that you need their attention.
I understand that in our society there are very strong installations on the relations parents - children or daughters - mothers. To hand over aged parents on care of the state it is regarded as a crime against a sort. Perhaps, it is connected, to a large extent, with those conditions in which those for whom the state cares stay. But for anybody not a secret as those children who examined in the one - two-room apartments of sick parents when they depart to the world other breathe sigh of relief.
I do not want to idealize the western way of life which is lately imposed to us, but there in such relations there is a sensible grain. The joke from the American reality is about it remembered.
The son comes back home after the termination of college, to parents. Calls by telephone of mother and asks: “ Mother, I come back home, graduated from college, maybe, to buy something to you? “. Mother answers: “ No, the sonny, thanks, is necessary nothing to me, buy the house better and go to live already there “.
Possibly it is other extreme, but what occurs in our families - it is abnormal too. It is worth thinking of it. And to avoid all these mistakes and experiences, it is worth taking only one advice. For children it - in time to come off mother, parents. To cut off this umbilical cord when it is a high time to make it. And for parents, especially for mothers - to release the children. How it was sick for the “ krovinushka “ to give freedom from guardianship and to live for the husband and for itself!
We have with the spouse three children. The eldest son is 20 years old. I often speak with the wife concerning its freedom, and it works. And here to a pootnosheniye to the daughter, which 15, more difficult. Here mother did not ripen yet to give for what now our daughter - an autonomy battles. I though the father, but understand feelings of the wife, it is hard, but it is necessary. For the sake of happiness of our daughter and our future - it is necessary to give it what was received in due time by us. By the way, for this purpose I had to leave from mother for thousands of kilometers, and to take away the wife from her mother for 600!
At all mothers whose corns were trodden on, I apologize and I remind east saying: “ The Child is a guest in your house “. And in the east people wise. I wish you wisdom, good luck and love! And in the cooperation relations!