How to find the man?
of the Reasoning of the psychoanalyst - the sexologist about problems of creation of a family for women of middle age.
Imagine the divorced lady of years of forty wishing to marry again. For certain among your friends and acquaintances there will be one - two women of the described type - get accustomed to them. Such woman is rather sure of herself, her professional career already developed, it is not silly, is not poor, it is probable it has children from first marriage, some experience of family life and definitely big desire to be to someone necessary. Let`s add at the same time that it not bad looks for the years, - and we will receive the typical client of all marriage offices of the capital, dating sites and evenings “ to whom for thirty “ or their modern analogs. The woman at this age is engaged in active search of the partner “ on for the rest of the life “ that “ a glass of water was to whom to give “. Alas, these searches very seldom come to the end with creation of a family!.
Ladies often accuse of all dating services, calling them idlers and parasites, try to take away the money to carry them in new marriage offices where, maybe, they will be helped better … But it does not occur, women have an inferiority complex, the justified statement ripens that all men “ goats “ quite often these ladies become clients of psychoanalysts who try to return to these women self-confidence, trying to open gradually eyes on reality of this world. And this - that our middle-aged women are afraid most of all - anything, but only not the reality, is better to accuse all, but to continue to live in that world which they for themselves created, to live blindly. Let`s understand whether it is always justified for them, and whether it is better to begin the way to the man with change of own mentality?
As the psychoanalyst, I quite long time worked with the described contingent of women, and I had to understand driving mechanisms of this demographic problem. Results of this work, I think, time to share with wide audience came. If this article really helps someone with judgment of the life, I will be madly glad and I will consider the professional mission partially executed.
We will begin with the fact that only the most rare experts - psychologists in the world seriously are engaged in studying of features of thinking of men and women, and practically nobody (except journalists) popularizes an applied component of these differences. Yes, we know that different hemispheres of a brain can work for men and women at the solution of similar tasks and, we know that “ female logic “ to logic it is similar very little, and in stressful situations (for example, on roads), the woman can for fear just close eyes. So what? And the fact that features of our behavior entirely depend on our sex and are subordinated to look conservation law. Now we are civilized, - we are engineers and accountants, programmers and top managers, - but somewhere deeply in subconsciousness we feel only as men and women, males and females, and the instinktivnost of our behavior prevails over all our life!
There is a theory of preference women dominantivny an alpha - the partner, the same as it occurs in animal herd. If we take for an example, say, herd of elephants, then in it 90 percent of females will be pregnant at any moment (10 percent of females are those which just gave rise), - that is in the nature the female is demanded always! The problem of a lonely female which nobody wants in herd of animals just does not exist!
From where this unnatural problem at people undertook? Where its sources? Sources it is necessary to look for everything in the same place - in animal herd. Researches of zoologists show that from all elephants living in this herd only 4 percent of males are fathers of the elephant calves brought into world. Terribly unfairly, we would tell, it means that from hundred elephants in herd only so abrupt mission is allocated for four to cover females, other 96 elephants are forced to pretend that to them “ not so there was a wish “ … Alas, alas, natural selection, the laws of a look survival.
In human community the similar tendency is veiled, but too is traced rather brightly. Especially much workers of dating service and managers of marriage agencies can tell about it, - here where the real statistics, here where knowledge of psychology together with demographic tendencies, and paradox - they should communicate with people who mostly do not hear them, and do not listen to their councils!!!
So, young people of the girl perspective in every respect sort, as a rule, to their majority. On a school bench for love of such guy several girls compete - it is recognized leaders, born “ alpha “ which the unsurpassed success at women will accompany all life. The wife of such man to be prestigious, pleasant, but imposes many duties as it is necessary to correspond - very much the big competition! If the young man still goes single after 25 years, most likely he is too modest and constraining and could not give advantageously himself. But it is not terrible, it will be taken away by those girls who till 28 - 30 years remained is not married because did not pay attention to them, or they lost the fight for “ an alpha - a male “ also are forced to lower a level a little.
If the man after 30 years is still lonely and suffers from it, (that is, the loneliness is not its conscious decision to have loose sex), so he so does not meet expectations of women of the ideal man that none of ladies can fall in love with him to want to see it the husband. Here already a certain correction is required if this man loses purely externally (small plyugavenkiya), - he urgently should lift the social status, to acquire either money, or education and popularity in some area able to attract to it crowd of fans. Women are drawn towards leaders for this reason professors of higher education institutions, as a rule, can always count on the affair with the student. Want to find with guarantee the companion of life - become professor!
And still if we really look at a social cut of the men after forty wishing to establish a family for the first time, we will see that generally it is men who were already repeatedly rejected by other women or from - for external data and sexual unattractiveness, or from - for social disorder. And how our middle-aged typical representative with which we began article? She just the opposite, the successful and attractive woman who appreciates herself and, alas, rejects similar applicants at once, she too loves herself to be an altruist to agree to what was already rejected by her friends, “ on you, My God, that to us not to a gozha “ - it not about it … Thus, quite big percent of candidates is rejected by the first consideration. There is still not numerous format of recently divorced men. But we remember that women in the majority think equally, what is pleasant to one, with a high probability also another therefore, here trouble, we always choose the same men will be pleasant. Good “ rating “ the divorced man, as the statistics shows, remains to that very short time, here - who was not in time, that was late! The most advanced copies at all never reach marriage agencies and, so to speak, understand on approaches.
There are gradation. Most likely the divorced man will have a bad character, the hidden complexes, or a premature ejaculation, - he could not divorce just like that! The more latent defect, the less it influences the choice of the woman, such men quickly are sold at auction, but there can be a problem of the subsequent divorce from which, of course, nobody is insured. Such men marry on five - seven times, will not understand yet what in them does not suit the woman and will not try to change it. There is still a contingent of the forty-year-old divorced men, as a rule, of businessmen who changed the status, having achieved, at last, very much in life, and the old forty-year-old wife ceased to correspond to its idea of the woman. Such men very and look for a titbit for our middle-aged ladies because many of them such man and they subconsciously threw it. So ideal grooms from surplus of money even pay services of marriage agencies, but, as a rule, do not keep the appointment because though they also declare desire to establish a family with the woman of the age, but they in practice most likely marry the very young secretary or the pleasant call girl! Than the man becomes more rating in the social plan, especially young women begin to surround it, it is reality, and our forty-year-old heroine hardly here that will break off …
But to reconcile to such deal very difficult. Why? Because the woman - always the woman, even at advanced age she does not cease to feel the genetic worthiness, in her consciousness those stereotypes of behavior by which it was guided twenty years ago at the choice of the partner continue to exist. What? The man has to be attractive, perspective, and, above all - is reliable in the feelings, he has to prove the love - gifts, attention, the long period of courting without sex! Whether all this is real presently? Alas, no, especially while even at the most well-groomed elderly woman the hormonal background is lowered in comparison with the very young girl. The forty-year-old lady has the huge competition in the person of almost daughters, is modern conceiving and erotic, and they should or become similar, to buy new intimate linen and in every possible way to show the sexuality, or to reduce the inquiries to an opposite sex. As practice shows, both those and other processes at these women go extremely hard that is called one step forward, two back, - and men will not wait, and years will not add it appeal.
Summing up everything told, I want to note that the forty-year-old woman has only one chance to establish a full-fledged family - to grow wiser, glance deep into the consciousness, to understand in what points her views of men madly became outdated and to try to change them. If this woman has a kind heart and compassion - she can make fine party to the man to whom half-life the fair sex did not pay any attention, and he will carry it on hands! If the woman by the nature is very proud and wants to have only the best, - it is worth learning to art of bringing of sexual pleasure, and then it will be able to leave in it far behind all the very young, not liberated in a bed little fools.
Well and at last, it is worth stopping thinking that someone will suit your family happiness instead of you, having provided you the prince on a blue kayemochka. To find the prince, to wash him and you should put on white Mercedes! When the woman believes that happiness is only in her hands, it will come to her. OUT OF ANY DOUBTS!