How to achieve harmony in intimate life?
Sexual life of the President began right after the " program; Time “. The president, having attentively listened to a weather forecast, jumped off from the personal chair, bent an arch a back, raspushivat a tail and imposingly was removed on a balcony. The three-kilogram Siberian cat with cunning eyes, huge moustaches and ears bitten in numerous fights with rivals came for night trade. On a balcony the President sat down on a handrail, then long - long aimed and, at last, having decided, jumped on a concrete wall. By some miracle, making the way on a seam between panels, got on a balcony roof from where the hand (to tell more precisely, a paw) was to give to garret pro-spirit.
began After a while a cat`s concert in which the soloist party, undoubtedly, belonged to the President. At first the draft meowing was heard: - I already here, you come, girls, on a party.
Then appeared terrible notes:
- You, a cat Vasily from the next entrance, nobody called, but if he was, receive.
followed Further an untranslatable cat`s slang, the tonality went to the supersonic area and … All entrance with dying down watched whose will take this time. the President lost
seldom. It was ready to offer everything: brushes on ears, pieces of the magnificent Siberian wool, the scratched nose and the peeled tail for the sake of several minutes of pleasure after fight. The pleasure proceeded from several enough unattractive kitties who are constantly living in the region of trash cans. On an attic they got on a ladder which was for some reason not locked on the big granary lock. Having won against
furious fight of the next rival, the President, spitting out pieces of wool, chose to himself the next passion, and they modestly left in black garret backwoods. An entrance, envying, filled up.
was distributed a strong slap Early in the morning, on a floor the pot with flowers and the husband flew, opening a balcony door, said the sacramental phrase:
- Is lucky some!
Then both went to bed. A tomcat it was chopped off at once and slept sluggishly and immoderately till the evening. The husband some time was flippant with hands, snuffled, puffed, then, without having achieved the, turned a back and was chopped off to a draft ringing of an alarm clock. in the Morning I made
coffee, did an omelet with toasts, fed children before school and the husband before a campaign on service. At the same time did everything possible not to step on the President who was accustomed to have a rest after a night shift directly on a threshold of kitchen.
Then ran for work.
Our sexual life, in difference from intimate life of a cat, came into the full deadlock. Ten years of marriage brought relations between the sexes to full automatism. On weekdays both, having exhausted at work, fell to sleep right after laying of children. Days off were devoted to capital cleaning, a trip to parents and in a supermarket behind products.
- Five minutes a week, - the husband, having postponed the calculator, with melancholy in eyes looked at me. - Well to Japanese. Wives allocate them money from the family budget and send blessed to geishas. Svetik, I so cannot any more. Give, bring to me the mistress.
- the Frying pan on the head to you, Leshka, but not the mistress, - I approached a mirror and reflected. The uncombed person in an old dressing gown who impudently stared at me could be pleasant only to the seaman - the submariner who came back to the port after semi-annual swimming.
the President, passing by, disapprovingly sniffed and, having approached the husband, began, bending an arch a back, to rub about his leg. That scratched a cat behind an ear.
- Can some read us books. Now on trays what is only not present. A Kama Sutra is different. Children at work told me that still quite good together to watch a sensuality on a video player. It is necessary to recover the relations, differently full kayuk.
“ It is easier to recover the Egyptian mummy “ - I thought, continuing to consider the person more and more unpleasant to me in a mirror, and in words told:
- Of course, darling. You run in shop behind a sensuality, and I so far in the apartment will be tidied up.
- Why to run, everything is laid already up, - the husband began to fuss. - Here, have a look.
Ya looked through “ Playboy “ with beautiful photos of ugly, in my opinion, women.
- You show to the President better, personally these pictures do not inspire me.
- With the President we already saw yesterday everything.
- - today it only towards evening home was. No, Lesh, give something another we will think up.
the Husband reflected, diligently pounding a lobe of the right ear. His face brightened up.
- Is! I in one old Italian movie saw how the couple, as at us, made love to the same problems in the most unexpected places. And, as a result lived together till an old age …
- And died in one day, - I did not keep.
- the Ulcer, you are Svetka. Here present. We jump with you with a parachute, and so far we soar in a free fall, I stick to you.
- is better in the morning in the crowded tram, - I developed a subject. - Or near a monument to Pushkin.
- What does it have to do with Pushkin, - became angry Alexey. - It is solved - we go to cinema. There it is dark and cozy. You remember how in youth always went to the cinema to kiss. Everything, I ran behind tickets, and you fast direct maraft. And that the trash - the trash.
On objections of time did not remain any more. the Old French comedy with Pierre Richard collected by
less than a half of the hall. We, having been late by the beginning, made the way on the places through deaf grumble of few viewers.
- should take the last row, - I noticed. - In youth we always on the last row kissed. All right, with what we will begin.
At this moment behind began to develop a chocolate and crackled the priest - Korn.
- Young people, - Leshka rose from a chair, - Stop noise, you prevent people to have a rest culturally.
the Hand of the husband laid down to me on a knee.
- Svetik, it you? there is no
- Merlyn Monro. Wait a moment, darling. I forgot which - that. It is necessary to powder a nose urgently. to
I I, trampling on others feet, disappeared for five minutes. Nothing, I think, let it is drawn.
Transition from light to darkness is always followed by total loss of sight. Therefore, I did a way back to the touch. Having flopped on sitting, I took a hand of the husband and, having put it on the knee again, Leshke on an ear whispered:
- Take me, darling, directly here.
the Word of honor, this story did not tell anybody yet. It was bad not that I mixed a row. The fact that the man near whom I incidentally landed watched film together with the wife was bad. I do not know
Ya how their sexual life developed further, but the fact that after this cultural campaign ours absolutely collapsed - it is the fact. It was necessary to do something. And I thought up.
One very famous sexopathologist - Ivan Mefodyevich Caruso practiced in our city. Before reorganization it worked as the chief designer at munitions factory. Then, when everything began to collapse and the people ran from plant, Caruso at first tried in “ shuttle “ business - carried consumer goods from China. Then built dachas by the new Russian, worked as the door-keeper in the central hotel, the bouncer in the bar and the docker in port. But it found itself(himself) only in the field of sexual pathology.
Turned out that the number of unsatisfied couples is so big that, on Ivan Mefodyevich`s supervision, it exceeded number registered by more than two times. Caruso`s
bought the diploma in an underground passage, the white dressing gown, a stethoscope and gave advertizing in the local press. In a leased office in the downtown tumbled down the people. The former chief designer of munitions factory was the quite good psychologist. He was able to give to people hope, the same, in turn, helped Caruso to construct a small country lodge, to educate children and to publish the book “ About influence of reorganization on sexual function of the homo sapiens “.
Ivan Mefodyevich really helped two of my friends, that is why I also dragged the husband to it on reception.
The easy twilight reigned in an office at the sexopathologist and, it is hardly heard, played body. The body played the sixth symphony of Beethoven. All situation disposed to frankness.
- Chick-pea - with, young people, - with what welcomed? - Caruso put on eye-glasses and slightly blinked the eyes. He got eye-glasses only for solidity. Clients to the person in eye-glasses left, on supervision of the sexopathologist, is twenty percent more than money.
- the Doctor, help, - I got a kerchief from a handbag and applied it to eyes. - Private life flies to an abyss. I am cold as ice, and it is impossible to the husband in any way. He, the former engineer, constructed the schedule of our intimate relations in ten years. Here have a look. Lesh, get.
the Husband took out a leaf of a squared paper from a tube and spread out it on a table at Caruso. That was inclined over the drawing and began to study it attentively.
- Yes, are bad affairs. Judging by the hyperbole constructed by you, in three months intimate relations will cross axis X, that is, is reached a zero point.
- to tell More precisely, in three months and two days, - corrected doctor Lesh.
- Yes, the usual course of treatment will not help you any more. Emergency measures are necessary.
- the Doctor, we agree to everything. Let`s give the last, only help. - just, it is not obligatory for
to give the Last. Your problem can be solved only in the field of psychology. As it is known in any person there are two beginnings - man`s and female. Yin and Yan. They constantly are at war among themselves, but constantly and cooperate. In your case the complete intersexual antagonism is observed. The only exit as I see to change over for a while.
- As it, - was surprised I.
- Is very simple. The woman has to play a male role and vice versa. I suggest you to test the latest device cleaning any intersexual dysfunction and normalizing the upset family relations within 24 hours. The device is invented personally by me, in time, free from the main work.
- the Doctor, pretty. Of course, we agree. What from us is required?
- is absolute nothing. Be a house evening, I will drop in.
In the evening I made cranberry pie, put a small bottle of red French wine on a table and lit candles. Ivan Mefodyevich was right after the " program; Time “. The president who gathered was on a balcony on the nightly affairs, decided to be late and look at result of treatment. Caruso`s
from a threshold only looked on a cat as at that wool bristled, ears laid down parallel to a floor. The president, having plaintively begun to mew, it was hammered under a sofa.
- Chick-pea - with, we will start. - Caruso got some unclear device from a small suitcase. - Give your hands. Now ten evenings. Remember - experiment lasts exactly days!
In a few minutes we connected to the husband in unclear system by means of some wires and provodochok. Then the doctor allowed us to drink on a tablet.
- Somnolent, ordinary sleeping pill, - it Calmed us. - Until you fell asleep, I will tell about an essence of the experiment made today. Today, I will not be afraid of this word - great day. Today, more precisely tomorrow morning, the man will understand that the woman, and the woman - wants that the man can.
Before falling asleep I all - asked the doctor how many his treatment will cost.
- Zero, zero, zero, - Ivan Mefodyevich joyfully laughed. - Absolutely free of charge. And why, you ask. Everything is very simple. Any previous couple did not agree to this experiment … Caruso`s
slowly thawed in air, and I fell asleep.
I dreamed women. It is a lot of women. They stuck to me, did the obscene movements. And the most important it was pleasant to me. Having opened eyes, I dumped the remains of a dream and shook the head.
- Is necessary, on an old age of years I change orientation.
Got out of a bed and approached a mirror. The young man and very familiar looked at me. So familiar that I recognized in it the Alexey not at once. I slowly raised a hand, and the person in a mirror made most too. But it was not the main thing. The main thing was that a hand as, however, both the second, and a breast and legs overgrew dense vegetation. I looked down and crashed down in a faint.
Regained consciousness from the terrible shout reaching from a bathroom. Having put thoughts in order, thought that the husband went to public places and too it was looked in a mirror. To tell the truth, in the mornings I not absolutely attractive, here it was also frightened.
In a few minutes we met in kitchen. It was amusing to see himself from outside and to be at the same time in a male skin. On Alexey the person was not. He was beaten by a small shiver.
Had to calm.
- Lesh, you agreed to experiment. Only 24 hours and we will be ideal couple again.
- I will kill Caruso, - the husband sobbed and plaintively looked at me. - I constantly want to cry.
is a typical female morning depression. The best way of fight - to begin to bake pancakes. Also remember, children will wake up soon and will demand a breakfast. Alexey looked at
on me and laughed.
- Wants to look how you will have a shave.
- Too to me a problem, I legs shave every week. And here is how you will cope with typically female troubles?
- with What, - a face of the husband turned white.
- Forgot to tell, according to the schedule at me this morning … - I did not manage to finish speaking. Lesh jumped from a stool and rushed off in a bathroom. It was necessary to shout after:
- All necessary on a shelf. I hope, you will understand.
In the evening everything rose on the places. All of us - split a bottle of French wine by candlelight and left in a bedroom. Just the " program came to an end; Time “ and the President dashed away in search of adventures.
B ten came Caruso and we chorus cried out to it:
- Thanks, Ivan Mefodyevich. At us now everything is all right!
On a balcony was distributed a sound of the falling pot with flowers. The cat returned from an attic ahead of time. It appears, neighbors hung up the lock on a garret door and girlfriends of the President could not get on a party.
The husband scratched a cat behind an ear and victoriously smiled.