What remains from unfulfilled hopes?
We enjoy life to the full, even what remains. And what remains? And what this remained means to us? Each person thinks of it, leaving a part of the svy past expressed in the last novel. Me the same thought pursues the third day in a row: why, leaving once loved one, we surely endure a regret even if ourselves were an initiator of separation? Why near internal satisfaction a certain share of pity, sentimentality about what was and what is not present any more borders? And if you have this feeling whether it means that the love still takes place to be in your relations? Or it is only a thunder-storm, a shadow following the sounded thunder? The remains of what was between you? But why they, if what was, already in the past?
Inna met Anton 4 years. Recently she noticed that its feelings to it strongly changed. In conversation with the psychologist she told the phrase more than once: “If I leave it, it without me will be gone!“ It appears, this phrase was told not so long ago to it by the beloved as though having a presentiment of something wrong. And every time when she was angry with it, in her as equals two feelings fought now: pity (“As I will leave it? It will be gone one! Perhaps at us everything is not so bad …“) and wine (“If I leave it, then with it - that happens!) . Anton in this situation was the excellent manipulator, he accurately achieved the objectives: Inna will remain with it even if out of pity. All know that at women, being by nature compassionate, the feeling of pity lives near love: the person is more defective, the more he wants to be regretted and warmed on a breast.
Israeli the clairvoyant Goldie in the article “Pity or Love?“ lifted a problem of female pity and found its roots in unsatisfied need for love for the childhood, pity to herself and transfer of own need for love on the man:
“ Thus, the woman occupies a noble role - begins to play a role for which waited in the childhood from the father (mother). Subconsciously becomes the savior oppressed, receiving at the same time bonuses to the self-assessment. These bonuses, positive confirmation, interruption of such donor relations does very difficult, it is sounded by such thought “I cannot deprive of it the love“, “as it without my love and support“. Pity prevents to break off the relations which bring tortures, do not satisfy requirements, prevent to construct the new relations, harmonious, on mutual respect and love.“
On this example is visible the general regularity - women who received less love in the childhood, feel deficiency of love to themselves, feel sorry for themselves from - for it, attract to themselves men who cause pity. How it occurs? The self-assured woman who loves and respects herself, will not become interested in the man who caused in her pity, just will pass by. And the woman in whom there is a mass of uncertainty, pity to itself a lack of love, srezonirut with the relevant information in the man, will feel it as similarity, something close to, will become interested, and everything, a mouse popalast in a mousetrap. The relations which cannot obviously bring happiness as both partners with identical subconscious problems, a lack of love, and will not be able to satisfy need for love of the partner will begin. It is visible also in the first example where the girl Inna cannot leave the partner.
Igor Burdonov in “The treatise about the sentimentality nature“ prolonged a chain of reasonings on pity and gave such hypothesis: “The true pity leads to cruelty“. It as unconditional love which conducts to violence as the extreme conducting in the contrast (“The stronger I love, the stronger I hate! “) …
Original pity leaves far behind a simple regret, sympathy. It is aggressive. Identifying itself with object (hereinafter, as a rule, the person) pity, he feels sorry for it AS HIMSELF and wants to help it AS to HIMSELF. And he begins to act. These actions can correspond to desires of object of pity, and can not correspond. But it has to help the neighbor even CONTRARY TO his own desires. It is categorically an imperative! […] So the true pity leads to violence. The violence generates cruelty. The true pity becomes RUTHLESS.
But this result waits for those whose feeling of pity reached the extreme point. If it in the normal (healthy) manifestation, then is extremely difficult to underestimate it! It is also peculiar to feeling of love, being its shadow (a component, an integral part). In literaturno - the philosophical magazine “Topos“ the article “Four Parties of Love“ in which her author Mihail Epstein wrote these lines was published:
“ Pity is easy to confuse with tenderness, but this feeling more courageous and further going. Tenderness is afraid of too strong movements, it wants to remain with darling in paradise. Pity cannot but frighten away this silence and rest because wants to give more, than is capable to give tenderness. Pity is a new alarm, not that any more that accompanied desire, not alarm of a neutolennost and neutolimost, and fear to give short, nedodelitsya. Pity is fitfully to search itself and all the possession in search of what can urgently be necessary for darling, than it is possible to help him. A subject of pity are weaknesses of darling, its shortage, pain, suffering, ignorance, inability. It is very dangerous to take pity for love, but it is even more dangerous - to exclude feeling of pity from love. The love without pity can be passionate, inspired, gentle, romantic, very strong, but it has not enough that weakness of darling in which it is possible to put this force.“
Thus, we see that pity is the feeling pushing us to show attention and to care for darling, alarm about the loved one which does the relations full if it has the measure and if it is not result of manipulations. The love needs weaknesses, it looks for them to be quite love to be sorry to be superfluous in a giving and devotion:
“ If loving does not regret for darling - and himself - at least only that both of them are doomed to die and their posthumous destinies are unknown, meetings are unpredictable, - means, the love did not rise over desire time, a hasty rhythm of its increase / fading yet. The main weakness of darling on which by all means nabredat love on the most long journeys is his mortality. And the more closely two are weaved, the razryvchatost of this texture is endured more sharply. And the more tenderness, the more in this warm space which stopped time the alarm about hours which it is unstoppable is stronger than paradise beat over the head. Pity - that out of four love feelings which is most of all turned to mortality and weakness loving just because wholly worries eternal and strong in the love. To present loved by itself, to present it that immortality which is not fated to us separately, but which is between us … Pity the love enters competition with death, tries to pull out at it a sting.“ (Mihail Epstein, “Four parties of love“) can be turned by
of the Regret also into the past. Then they say that we could make something, but did not make and we are sorry about it. Regrets speak about the choice which was in the past and where we could arrive differently. Actually, at such moments we regret for one: that did not listen to themselves and did not make what was wanted actually. And such thoughts are a signal that we went astray to own happiness, to be schatslivy, it is necessary just to hear himself and the feelings.
The regret says that it could make us happier therefore it is so important to listen more attentively to this feeling - as to an alarm signal. But it is dangerous to go in cycles in the regrets, otherwise they become fruitless and painful. “It is useful to turn back back to come into contact with itself, but it is important to return to the present in time and to look forward, - the psychologist Neil Rose says ( Neal Roese). - When we see new opportunities, we make plans, the endured feeling of a regret helps to choose the right direction, becomes incentive to action. To the contrary, when we for a long time become isolated in thoughts of the missed opportunities, we lose prospect and we appear at the deadlock“. (To what to us to be sorry about something? - PSYCHOLOGIES. - the No. 41)
Regret is the some kind of beacon specifying a way. It needs to be accepted in itself, to regret if made something not so and to understand what it speaks about. And if you the mature personality, then do not be with someone only because “he without you will not cope!“ Because it is not pledge of good and equal relations. If one of partners says that he one will not cope, then it is the classical psychological game “the victim-the tyrant“ where you are a victim, and manipulate you.
In this note I wrote about an extreme of feeling of pity much (if it unconditional), and about as far as it is necessary for each of us for love and even if the love passed. Feeling of an easy regret about former novels - the same medicine as laughter, pleasure and new impressions. Keep the memoirs, everyones, let they will be part of your Way and as a pendulum show the road!