About what the first love is silent?
“… Romeo and Juliette … It turns out, it is good that they died?! They overcame for the love so much. And whether sustained their love if It learned what He tells “calls“ instead of “calls“ or what he scatters socks on all apartment?“ (to / f “About what men speak“)
we Will present all of us a familiar situation. The guy and the girl long meet (it is desirable at distance, or contrary to parental will …), everyone them them dreams that there will come day and they will be able to be together, will establish a family and will live long and happily. The reality of this typically “Shakespearean“ example is that when such lovers sit down at one kitchen table, their feelings die under a life vice. There is such remarkable phrase: “The ideal is fine in its purity!“. Therefore, each attempt to make of the Ideal of the real person living under one with you a roof threatens with his direct destruction. Let`s deal with the prime causes of this interesting question.
The ideal has no shortcomings!
One of the biggest delusions of the person that, having fallen in love, he sincerely believes that he met the unearthly deity at all deprived of any shortcomings. This ideal is so perfect that near it you quail, grow dumb and cease to understand in general the Universe structure - heaven and earth is moved over on the head. Both at men, and at women, the feeling of deep love is accompanied by temporary loss of mind, by an unearthly condition of euphoria, by desire to prove the love and to manage impossible. At the same time it has to be so improbable, as well as all that he feels now is improbable! The person in love will think and to sincerely believe that he went crazy. And this insanity, like a dope, will bring it the exciting satisfaction. Also present if ours “is impossible“ sits down in kitchen at one table with us and begins to ask household questions: whether bread when we hand over a coat in a dry-cleaner when the husband gets paid is bought? For women the need for maintenance of a home is put by the nature. She was born the careful, attentive hostess and future mother. For the man life - something depressing. It cleans the apartment not because there it has to be pure (the woman so usually considers) but because he wants to help darling! Heroes of the modern movie “What Men Speak About“ argued on a subject why men fool around. Life which killed that mysterious, romantic being who they knew before marriage in the wife acted as the main argument. And this being first of all was characterized by lack of any talk on efforts - all it seemed on - heavenly magic, and the woman was related to an angel. Therefore there is at men a belief that the Ideal has to remain the Ideal! At women, by the way, too:
Private life becomes brighter and more volume when we believe that we had a great love. Idealizing the former lovers, women endure feelings which were not tested in the childhood. “They did not feel on themselves that first delighted and narcissistic the glance lifting a children`s worthiness which mothers involuntarily dart at the son, - the psychoanalyst Elaine Vecquiali (Helene Vecchiali) reflects. - And later they will look for this look in the love relations. The idealized man is a man perfect. The reflection of its perfection will fall also on them, giving them chance to fall in love with itself. But it is possible only in imagination: in the real relations features of character (and shortcomings) the partner are shown“. (Psychologies, No. 32: Whether “It is necessary to forget big love?“).
Love one, and marry others
From the story 28 - the summer man: “I released the beloved because sincerely wished her more successful man. I understood that it will “pull“ me on life as she is an ideal woman. I was unworthy it. And me as to the man, there was no wish to be only its shadow!“ As it became offensive for this guy later when she, being such ideal, married the person who did not appreciate it, living at her expense and spending on drink all that earned. In the movie “Zravstvuyte, to You!“ the excellent phrase was heard about it: “What to do if you do not know whether you will make it happy?“ “If you love, then you will make! And on the way speak: it is not sure, do not overtake! “ Coming back to history with 28 - the summer guy, his complexes and uncertainty in themselves played in life a dirty trick with him: he was afraid to show persistence and confidence in the feelings to the Ideal, and gave him in a charge to the one who did not try to make it happy! And it turns out that without having mastered own complexes, the man is afraid to turn the Ideal into the wife. He is afraid in is mute to be disappointed! More precisely even not in him, and in the feelings to it. In “ideal“ love (or phantom as it is called by psychologists) there is one interesting paradox: we never love in it the person (because when we love the person, we accept him with shortcomings, and an ideal - as we understood above - of them it is deprived), we love in it the feelings with which we allocate an object of love.
“Our relations arise under the influence of archetypes - an anime (female part of the unconscious man) and an animus (man`s part unconscious women), - the psychoanalytic therapist Tatyana Rebeko explains. - Man`s and a feminine we project images inaccessible to consciousness on the real person - and we lose the head. The strong, blinding feeling captures us, and we involuntarily attribute another lines which meet our unconscious expectations and expectations“. This impulse is so strong that we are not capable to separate the real person from our imaginations and we wait from it for what it cannot give us. only much later we try to understand
I that so fascinated us: its voice, a manner to behave and to speak … “But defining became another, - Patrick Estrad says. - At some moment we found in other person - for an hour, for a month, for a year - something perfect, such that cannot exist in reality and to be extended in time. And we have only memory of this ideal and idealized “formidability“, what Marcel Proust called “the enormous building of reminiscence“. Time weaves its threads, untwines and binds anew, erasing roughnesses, reducing pain and stretching a story and its characters“. (Psychologies, No. 32).
Therefore, the fear to be disappointed in love to the Ideal turns into doubts in relation to itself, expiring from uncertainty in itself. And than it is more at the person of complexes, subjects there is a high probability of the fact that he will prefer that the Ideal remained on the pedestal - a step below! That is, in a role of the wife this man will choose absolutely ordinary personality who will sootvetsovat to social representations and criteria of a role of the wife. For example, the wife - this that who cleans, prepares, erases, raises children, looks after the husband etc. This norm is closer to comfort and, respectively, is farther from “idealistic“ love. And leaves that the Ideal has to remain the Ideal!
Nostalgia on the first love Is representable
that the man married, being guided by logic and public criteria of the choice of the spouse. Lived in marriage of 3 - 5 years and began to miss … That it was not died that not that chose the wife that houses pleases nothing … Also his first love was remembered to it (that which was that its Ideal). They then could have nothing, but somewhere secretly from all he dreamed of it one. And suddenly, having happened somewhere on the street upon this ideal years later, he understands that youthful complexes left that in career it took place, and, from nowhere, inside it appeared to carry out a sincere rush what was postponed in a distant box of man`s dreams - to make happy the Ideal - a subject of the youthful passion. He leaves a family, and starts life with a clean slate, with the girl - an ideal. During this moment it seems to it that everything that was earlier - a nightmare, and he began to live only with It, just now!
In one of t series / about “Damned paradise“ the man - the oligarch came to a brothel and ordered the girl who was exactly - in - is exactly similar to his first school love which rejected it. Having embodied the most impudent sexual imaginations, it for one night got rid of the complex rejected. This example not the best in the plan of ethics, but it shows that each of us needs to pay a tribute to our complexes which all it is from the childhood.
A nostalgia Kaverznost on the first love in what we its hyper - idealize, forgetting all bad and leaving memories only good emotions experienced at their peak. Trying to repeat all that was bright earlier, lovers seek to return former passion in the form of new “flash of feelings“. But, recreating the past, they are not able to see the future that becomes circulation around in captivity at the emotions. If it happens so that later time of steam decides to renew the relations, then they sincerely have to forgive each other for last mistakes and to reckon the present and the future from a blank sheet! If couple was connected by phantom love, and years later she decided to become full-fledged couple and to live together, then it is necessary to see in another not only the qualities inherent in an ideal, but also negative sides of the personality. And if we accept them and we will fall in love, then chances to construct good relations significantly increase. And if we go in cycles in how we loved before, then joint life will turn into illusion where each of partners will suffer and feel lonely (the ideal will want that it was worshipped, and the imitator will see in the partner only an ideal!) .
the First love is in life of each person. And its value is that already to nobody never to repeat it in that image and similarity as it happened to you. Psychologists call it the term “effect of primacy“ when we to details remember what happened to us for the first time, and we confuse to ease what was for the second, third, fourth times. The first experience is still significant also the fact that it shows us what we are. The psychologist of the Californian university Bella Depaulo so describes the value of the first experience:
“The first experience speaks to us about what we (whom we are) in the conditions of a new situation. It checks reaction of an environment to us, but also and identifies our personality: who are we that we think of ourselves and whether we want to be this person?!“
the Epilogue about a way and the purpose
Irrespective of, was our first experience successful or not, the psychologist of university in Memphis Robert Neymeyer is convinced: “How we cope with internal tension, defines whom we become!“ Erich - Maria Remarque in more art form wrote about the love experience so: “… The melancholy for the person left or abandoned us as if decorates with an aura of the one who comes then. And after loss new appears in peculiar romantic light …“ Actually, it also is the most important value and the summary of this article: from any relations it is necessary to take out experience, and then to inhale it in the new relations (or the transformed old). Some consider that twice one river you will not enter. But about it the philosopher Heraclitus was very correctly expressed: “Twice really it is impossible to enter one river, but because the river runs, and it cannot be the same. The person does not stand still too therefore also he any more not the one whom he was a minute ago! “ The first love can be endured at youthful age, and then you happily build the relations with other partners through a prism of the first experience and impressions of it. The first love (Ideal) can become your satellite in life, then it is necessary to learn to accept in it imperfection. The first love can be knocked in your future again, and we can even open it a door. But only in case it was not passed with this person and the vehicle went for you on life, reminding that it still is not endured by you! What of these three roads is better? That which answers your purpose. The past needs to remain forever in the past. It is important to understand that with the same person there will never be “same happiness“ - every time it will be another because we are already others. It is important to remember: the future is there and with the one whom we can forgive! On the website Psychology Today article “The management for the broken heart is published: force of the first experience“ in which the author Jay Diksit gave very valuable advice on the fact that to us it is valuable. These words as a parting word, I want to finish this article:
“Never confuse a way on purpose. Perhaps, you did not succeed in young love and you cannot go further. Perhaps, you feel like the loser. Accurately determine your values - creativity? Love? Realize: to create, you do not need work. You do not need the specific person to be in the loving relations. Continue the way, conformable with your values, but not attachments!“