Rus Articles Journal

Crazy, Birobidzhan!

my trip to the Far East was spontaneous, and it was necessary to address the train conductor. “In Birobidzhan was not, but heard that the city beautiful“ - “Which of passengers leaves there? Look at the folder“ - “Places 33 and 34“ All answers of the elderly fellow traveler came to an end with the same phrase: “I have a lonely daughter with the apartment there, I have a lonely daughter there...“ Having left hotel, I take a taxi: “In the capital, I hope, there is a synagogue?“ - “Of course, on Mayakovsky 5“ - “Then - FORVERT, or in Russian - FORWARD!“ I look through local newspapers “Divokh“ (“Week“) and “Birobidzhaner Stern“ (“The Birobidzhan star“) One half of pages in Russian, another in the afternoon - into Yiddish! Did not look for, but saw: “The woman 32 without housing and material problems was tired of loneliness“ It is necessary to tell that Birobidzhan - the city of brides! “Women`s“ factories outnumber “men`s“ plants. Confectionery, sewing, kozhevenno - shoe, etc. And the severe nature of the Amur region made natural selection: inhabitants are high and slender burning brunettes, descendants of the Don Cossacks - pioneers and Jews - Ashkenazi. I go down the street - and local residents look back at me! After our North - the West - it shocks! “Processing“ of the fellow traveler from the ninth compartment began to bear the first fruits, and I write the letter “tired of loneliness“: I appoint meeting on public telephone booth. December in the Amur region - not for walks under the moon! Probably, “tired“ has not a rest yet, and for the third day I appeared in newspaper editorial office: Whether “My letter came to your address? “ - “The letter, and not only yours, here, but the woman did not come for them. And you - unmarried!?“ What is told in such cases: “Lonely“ - “And give, we will publish your announcement! From you ten rubles“ From a pack of letters from the same grooms - losers, I prevailed and stretched it together with ten to the hostess of an office. Having run on lines the professional`s look, she said: “I will edit the announcement, and to you as to the man serious, I would like to give the address of one mine early of the widowed girlfriend“ the Meeting with her girlfriend by the name of Friedman took place, but - both of us were not lucky: its apartment was temporarily occupied by rural relatives. “You saw me - I you too. If you return - means, you chose me!“

in two languages was published In the newspaper the announcement: “M. 41 The Capricorn, the businessman, without addictions, will divide and will brighten up your loneliness and will become your children the senior companion“ (I would write more modestly). In the city with the population 80 000 I - that counted on a response of five - seven lonely female hearts, Letters came - 80. Age: from 20 to 45. On familiar and “unpromising“ (the unemployed with three children in rural areas) I answered “under a carbon paper“ “Thank you that you did not remain are indifferent to call of heart of the lonely man. There came year of the Pig, and a pig - the animal who is looking for. Lucky finds to you this year!“ In the first party of letters, one appeared the most intriguing: “What unusual series of the passport at you! (Leningrad) Probably, and you, as the man - unusual!?“ Further - all in the same vein! In same it is a high time on the TV there took place transfer about the speculators publishing marriage announcements: the sexual maniacs and swindlers who are eager to catch others living space. (ah, as not in time!) Wrote the letter as it appeared, the unknown from girlfriends, and, having strongly reduced age. The woman was excessively vigilant and strongly susceptible to telecasts! I was forced to eat the food bought or prepared by me. Every morning, leaving for work, I was politely asked: “With things on an exit“! Having acquired across frosty Birobidzhan, weeks through three I came to hospital: “I feel some fatigue and would like to seem to your experts“ - “With such surname and with such middle name you will easily descend for the local! Subscribe that agree to hospitalization“ On the typographical form in the name of office “psychoneurological“ I several times crossed out “psycho“ and wrote on diagonal: “The free mode - any locked doors, and each prick - only after my written consent!“ The doctor smiled: “You will have a physical therapy course, the free mode and only vitamins“ By phone I told that I on the street fainted and regained consciousness already in hospital chamber. Doctors say that it is not dangerous, but - for a long time. Bring me my bag and toilet accessories, and, above all - do not worry for me!

Contained in office of hospital of the man and woman together. On the TV the series “Gipsy“ In the car of the train once again began sockets and my electrorazor did not work - I released a beard. To “loonies“ I came, similar to Budulaya! Ridiculous coincidence: on the same day Alla Isaakovna - very similar to Klara Luchko came to office. “How you got here? Long were not on holiday - were tired? Here such as you, it is more than a half! And you met businessmen who had everything: accounts in foreign banks, real estate abroad and time - they “on beans“! You can get acquainted - they before you! “ The bureaucrat from administration with two nieces opened firm and carried out the transaction. Nieces “threw“ the uncle and he appeared in the next chamber. Among the victims of unsuccessful business there was also my neighbor in chamber, the fellow of years of eighteen. Was on office with sexual frustration by the name of Krupskaya. As I was told, she came at night to our chamber and took seat near my bed. I constantly reminded someone to her, and every time different surnames were called. From where I ran - and where came running: from fire - yes into the fire!

And letters on central post office continued to arrive to bearer passports with a series, unusual to these places! Other neighbor in chamber, the recidivist, went to hospital that after forty days of hospitalization to receive the document on disability. He offered the services: “I am your secretary: I open a card file and I keep the daily log. The cozy foyer was the floor above: it is not necessary to go on public telephone booth. Only in one of distant cases of hospital the payphone had no turn and nobody could hear my talk. Guessed that it will appear in an office of the manager of office: “From ten phone calls on my desktop, nine - about your diagnosis and health!“ - “Prompt to me as the expert of human souls: when the woman writes me on six sheets what she will not tell even to the best friend. To ignore such letter, unless not a crime!? Of course, I am not a doctor! What to do to me? To give one more announcement that did not disturb?“ - “Solve. When you use the payphone, behind the next door the medical staff on duty in full strength gathers. I allow you to use phone in my office, here a key“

B one of letters only the bilateral business card in which it was reported that her owner - the owner of two firms and an inscription lay: Hi, businessman! In agreed time went out of the approached jeep business - the lady, and we rose in the foyer. Her driver - the bodyguard remained with an entrance. Finishing with it conversation, I said someone else`s phrase: “You saw me - I you too. If I call...“ - “Unless we will not leave now together!?“ Here, what I did not expect, so it are hysterics! And what in such cases is done? To give waters? And what the jockstrap at an entrance and what instruction at it will think? If she did not calm down itself, then - the hysterics would begin at me! One of letters was from the twenty-year knave, mummy of the five-year-old child. “You to me horns will set!“ - “I am indifferent to sex!“ - “And! I will become your purse! And you - my toy?“ It seems that its lexicon sputtered out, and she decided to pass to resolute actions! She all - managed to soil to me a shirt lipstick when in the foyer my secretary ran in: “To you it is urgent on an inoculation! “ - “On Sunday there are no inoculations?“ I specify, running on a ladder. “That which took your shirt in washing came. You - in lipstick! You will not manage to change clothes - you will tell it that I took your shirt on appointment. Will believe!“ I come back somehow in the evening to chamber, and the secretary reports: “To you there came Nadezhda by the car. Without having waited, left. Here Nadezhda and their phones“ Calling back to you according to the list, I heard a voice business - the lady: “On a hen night with girlfriends your announcement with the comment was mentioned: and the man has that, is similar - a problem! I interceded for you: we are familiar and I asked it about it too. “Not to go to me on a disco or to the bar?“ - he answered me“ with

One of acquaintances long enough went to me to hospital and, and, every day: “What to you to wash? What to buy? What to prepare? “ - “Why I have to choose someone if I was already chosen?“ I came to it, and - we quarreled, left on the same day. On the street I got a card file. Time - working. Well - who at me in this area and at this time? So, there is single mother with the one-year-old child, so: now it houses in a maternity leave. The doorbell is broken, means: there is no man in the house. Knocked. “I am the author of the announcement in the newspaper: “Goat, businessman...“ you wrote me two letters“ the Age difference was big and I told: “If I seem to you tiresome, then say: “You grow old, A. I.!“ - on me it will very strongly work!“