On the Promised Land of
Flight to Tel - Abibus as an anti-Semitism spittle at parting, about 2 - x one o`clock in the morning from Pulkovo - 2. “We had to take away someone`s old Jewish grandmother from Nursing home, without her we would not be let out, - the blue-eyed blonde tells: - And right there about twenty relatives whom we never knew earlier which, according to them, so strongly love this grandmother that are afraid to leave her one appeared“. The Agency Dries instructed that if not to be struck off the registration register, then it is possible to take out quite large cash sum from the country. The passenger (who sold a cottage and two cars in Cherepovets) in a padded jacket, valenoks, a cap with ear-flaps and with a strong Vologda dialect passes through customs. “How many dollars you carry?“ - the very young customs officer asks. “Zhona on pockets deranged. And cho, it was necessary to count? “ Begins to spread before the customs officer handfuls from all pockets of a banknote - that even, stood up: “And about a mark of the registration account you in the passport have a stamp?!“ - “And sho it it?“ Young, from passion, even jumped up! Pressing of the button causes (in the second - that to one o`clock in the morning!) the sleepy administration, thinks already of increase, an award and gratitude for the vigilance. And Vologda thumbs through the passport and suddenly squeals: “IT sho it in the passport!? WHO dared to put it!?“ The customs officer for anger of the administration and for offense nearly began to cry. Landing in the plane of the Israeli airlines. The silence and tranquility are broken by a drunk bass: “To me exhausted nerves so much and spoiled blood while I collected references! Israel! You are obliged to compensate me all this! Hey, steward! Vodka and beer to me - it is urgent!“ His bass did not become silent until the end of flight, and a half of passengers was aware already as it collected three years the “necessary“ references.
My neighbors in Israel more than 10 years: at one in a bag of 30 kg of fat, and at another - two Belomora bags. Also they to me begin to give lecture on ethnography and when one becomes silent, the floor is taken by the second, and so all four hours of flight: “Ti, for the first time you fly to Israel and at once on Peemzhe? And it in yours - that years and without Hebrew! Listen here, sho I to a teba show - Jews looked for the most “lukewarm town“ worldwide and as always overdid - found the hottest! At first all Jews were settled on the world as fertilizer. Then, everything was collected in one big - a big heap under the scorching sun, and called - Israel! From the former compatriots you will constantly hear - who in your sort the Jew? Later I had an answer: Ariel Sharon - a real name Lyonya Shirman from Gomel - my cousin uncle. Both Golda Meyer, and Moshe Dayan. And HTO in your sort?! One more frequent question: what is the time you in the country - a hazing army - childish pranks in comparison with a hazing Israeli. “The Russian of Russian“ will hire in the last turn, and will dismiss - the first. The frequent phrase at such employer: “You where went from a workplace? What means “hot, to drink waters“? Went here and did not know that here hot?! Oh, my poor Israel! And who here only did not come in large numbers!“ Related bonds in the country - do not work!
The Promised Land met by big pools me - there passed the rain at night. And in an hour of a tropical rain the monthly norm of Petersburg rainfall drops out! “three elephants“ I - that took an umbrella, and here about gumboots somehow did not think!
The relative edified: “Learn language, you will not begin to think in Hebrew yet! You will not learn - you will sweep streets and to dig trenches“. The only time I took the self-instruction manual as the son got with council: “Would learn better: Liu - yu - di to - about - obry, we here Prieur - e - zzhy - e“ the Daughter learned language two years, came to work, and there - 80% Russian-speaking! And already the flock of Ethiopians - “for professional suitability“ - learns to speak Russian, to use foul language and during a heat to have a snack vodka on fat!
From the story of the daughter: “Departure of our group of immigrants began with landing in buses at Agency Dry. I remember that everything was noisy, on nerves, even when buses already drove off. And suddenly - there came the general silence - as if on command! These are buses passed through the center of St. Petersburg! People nestled on windows, watched how along the granite embankment the beauty Neva as pig-iron laces of bridges admire the reflection stately bears the waters, the stiffened symphony palaces stood. People looked at all this, and at them tears flew!
At one of lessons of Hebrew it is necessary to call writers from the country of an outcome. The Englishwoman long strained memory until the teacher prompted: Shakespeare. Having repeated this surname five times, the Englishwoman it is proud looked at the Frenchman and stopped. On my request to hear Hamlet`s monologue “To be. or to not be“ in the original, in Sherlock Holmes`s language sounded the answer: “And I from Shakespeare except this line any more know nothing“ the Frenchman (the rural guy seeing the subway only on the TV) says: “Charles Perrault... Perrault Charles...“ Hint of the teacher: “Jules Verne“ the Frenchman was delighted as if he met the childhood friend! Having noticed that knowledge of the teacher and the Frenchman on it ran low, I prompt: “Zola, Balzac, Dumas, Maupassant, Hugo, Simenon, Ekzyuperi...“ The Frenchman`s question that the Englishwoman did not hear: “And all of them it is casual not British, you are sure?!“ The young philologist from Munich triumphed: before it the long list of classics of the German literature lay! But it is guilty looked down and reddened after my council: “Begin with the author of Mein Kampf“ the American loudly called couple of unknown surnames and made a significant pause for an applause. Well, really I will miss such opportunity: “Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Nabokov, Dovlatov...“ The American “revenged“ me on change: “Our Bush will have your Putin through Baghdad! (2003)“ - “As soon as your Bush will open a mouth, our Putin will make it by Monica Lewinski - 2. But not in your well-known it is oval - an oral office, and on a tribune at Red Square!“
Having appeared somehow together in a class with the young teacher, I asked it: “How in Hebrew “do not twist to me some egg?“ - “Well why so to constrain female caress, - the guy, obviously sat down on the fad - and quite widespread among many people, smoothly turning into love game...“ But here the hot southern temperament of the young teacher and a ticklish subject decided to play over it a dirty trick: the melancholic pony under the lecturer began to turn into a running horse - “That bad in what the woman gently and tenderly turns to you there and itself at the same time derives pleasure?! If to the woman at this moment to limit the movements of hands or just to tell it - consequences - from her party can be the most unexpected, and even - tragic! Before an orgasm the excited woman is in the state close to affect, i.e. she is not responsible for the actions and the court will acquit her“ - news that at Russians it is a saying, only turned a race horse into a wild mustang and the guy passed to shout - “Strange you, Russians! What for all is good for you is bad! Yes from - for it and the woman - that yours look for foreign grooms or go to brothels! Yes unless it is possible to limit the movements of hands of the partner... “- the mustang under the speaker spread Pegasus`s wings and shot up to clouds - “To forbid everything to all - here policy of Russia!!! To forbid Jews to emigrate for reunion of families!? To forbid foreign tourists to move freely across Russia...“ - “And it because you will not be able to escape on skis from a bear!“ - I tried to make myself heard to a black point in the sky, but he already did not see me and did not hear. Passersby on the street began to stop near open school windows. I left the room.
In the first evening after a dinner decided to wash the dishes. Discovered water and splashed in Ferry sink - “in Russian!“ “What you do!? - the daughter with the son-in-law cried - Here so nobody washes!“ Ferry part in a pan, dip a bast and in a basin wash. Rinse in a sink under thin - a thin stream! In St. Petersburg at mother in a bathroom has a shower bath from a shower, disconnected water and it began to be soaped - “on - Israeli“ Mother knocked at a door: “The shower broke? “
B 2003 - m during the Baghdad stir gave out to all Israelis and ordered to have always with themselves a gas mask in a box (15õ15õ30 cm) on a cross body strap. The announcer on TV with a gas mask through a shoulder, reports a weather forecast: “Over Baghdad low overcast, but it does not prevent the American pilots to drop bombs at all!“ On a box with a gas mask an inscription on 4 - x languages: “Not to open - a penalty of 100 dollars!“ The most large print - in Russian!
Only in shop suddenly remembered: the lavrushka of the house ended, and therefore as it is klinut in Hebrew, in the dictionary did not look. Russian-speaking in a trading floor it is not visible - at forty degrees in a shadow they on shops do not walk! With east spices it is better not to approach racks - it is possible to get lost! Moreover and the mobile phone with itself did not take - will not ask acquaintances. I begin to explain to the shopkeeper that it is necessary to me: these leaflets grow on bushes and trees. On the end of cooking they are put in some dishes, have bitterish taste and a specific smell … Somehow strange he looked at me and gives a package from a foil. And on the picture - a fir-tree! Yes I do not need coniferous needles! And the seller also insists: it what you look for. That you think that in Russia only snow and fir-trees and as the laurels grow I never saw!? Yes I a lavrushka in the south kindled the furnace when bark of an eucalyptus reached a limit! You for the Chukchi do not hold me!? It at you in Israel fir-trees grow only highly in mountains in the north, and here in the south it does not grow! In geography of Russia would glance at a leisure better! Clean the fir-tree! You eat it! Leaflets are necessary to me, foxes - exactly - ki! But not and - a goal - ki! Suddenly dawned on me: the package price - that is cheap! I break off packing and … And a fir-tree on packing - an emblem of firm! Told about this incident to neighbors, and they smile: “None of the Union in shop buy it. It along the road on lawns grows. We tear free of charge! “
For an irrigation of fields dig out ponds and there start a crucian and a silver carp. It is forbidden to catch fish, and time it is forbidden - that Russians will surely do it! Catch fish at night - and the police comes at night too. For this purpose on the road spread empty plastic bottles: when in the night from the extinguished headlights the police car runs into them, the crash and a roar is distributed - fishing tackles are quickly taken up.
Very much begging among children practices in Israel! Beginning from elementary circulation on apartments. Phrase: “I do not understand in Hebrew!“ with them “will not give a ride“ - in team at children natives of the different countries including from Russia! One more trick: the child in a supermarket approaches the buyer at cash desk: “Pay (in Hebrew there is no address “you“) me chocolate, ice cream, candies etc.!“ When for the first time such child approached me at cash desk, I did not understand him! “The boy, I do not know your mother and tell her that this hokhma at you with me will not give a ride! When you were born, I in Israel was not yet!“ The cashier interposed in the matter: “You will pay its goods?“ - “You with them in a share!? If foreign uncle bought my child gifts - it would not be pleasant to me!“
For increase in length of the coast of the Red Sea in Eilat deep into of the city are dug channels. On bridges the only inscription in Russian - From the BRIDGE NOT to JUMP!
The family from the miner`s settlement moves to “the historical Homeland“. What in Russia was norm: the drunk husband raised against the wife a hand, in Israel for it - 5 years! The former miner was released, drank and went to visit the child. It was not pleasant to the new Israeli and - the new summons comes. “Your mother has a big house with a garden on the bank of Don! - I speak to it - Run from here!“ So he also made. In half a year we met in Israel! “It is better in the Israeli prison, than in Russia at liberty!“
At excursion across Israel show excavation of the ancient cities built by Romans, Greeks, crusaders, philistines. “And what here Jews did?“ - “So all this was also constructed by hands of Jews - they were slaves!“ - “And give and we will brag of pyramids - too slaves built them!“ - “Until recently for such words moved from the country!“
America Presented to Israel the big cruiser with the device against rockets with homing. The ship goes to the first fighting campaign to coast of Lebanon and … did not turn on the device! Forgot, or - the Jewish economy! And the first crazy rocket - in the cruiser! Four sailor, and the ship - on repair died.