Repeated marriage: how to avoid a complex of “the angry stepmother“?
So in life were moved that repeated marriage is entered by about 60% of the divorced women and about 40% of the men who broke links with the first family. But, as often happens, one or at both “newlyweds“ has children from former marriage. That is it is necessary to build paradise in a tent not only with darling or the darling, and children approach the choice of mother or father rather prejudicedly.
The statistics is relentless: nine of ten divorced women having children try to make so that to limit communication of the ex-husband with the child. And if it is about visit of other family ex-blessed, then these bans almost in 95% of cases become “norm of life“.
What directs the woman? The desire to save fragile mentality of the child from “bifurcation“ or feeling of vindictiveness - does not play a special role. It is important that the child feels some restrictions that prevents it to develop.
But how the same woman in a situation when it in repeated marriage from the new spouse gets “makeweight“ in the form of the child from first marriage behaves? Tries to keep a neutrality? In all available ways tries to bring closer and treat kindly the stepbrother or the little sister of the own child? Or all the same the son or the daughter get the best pieces, and to “adopted child“ what will remain? And, eventually, whom are stepbrothers and sisters: the circumstance cementing repeated marriage or by huge destructive force?
We will address statistics again: from each three repeated marriages two by all means break up. And not the last role in it is played by children.
We will consider three typical situations.
The child of the wife is more senior than the husband`s child. at the same time younger is under double pressure: from the senior stepbrother or the sister and from the stepmother. Therefore it is necessary, whenever possible, even before creation of a family to acquaint children and to warn the child about what from now on cares at it increases he has to sponsor younger. At the same time the most important - not to go too far and not to make so that younger in some way held down freedom of the senior. To your child, especially at teenage age, not so - that is easy to reconcile to the fact that now he is responsible for someone. And if about younger to get rid of all cares on the senior at all, then both will be the loser.
The child of the wife is younger than the husband`s child. It is free or involuntarily you will find the most part of time for younger. But it is necessary to involve actively in process of education and the senior, emphasizing that it from height of the experience has to become a peculiar assistant to mother. Let this your first “joint venture“ will become the business which is pulling together you.
At the same time younger has to acquire that you equally kindly treat both that equally you give them care and tenderness, not to mention chocolates and other delicacies.
Children of a weather or age-mates. It is the most difficult situation because in that case each of children will try “to pull a blanket“ on himself. And not any woman will have enough nerves rather quietly for all this to react. It is even worse if they get to one class, at least, before become friends. Otherwise, in desire not to avoid “schemings“ anywhere …
U have more than you chances not to become “the angry stepmother“ if:
- you will bring up the stepson . According to supervision of psychologists, girls adapt in repeated marriage worse, than boys. In - the first, the jealousy plays the role: why the father chose this woman? In - the second, in any boundary situation always it seems to the girl that the mother in this concrete case would arrive in relation to it more loyally. And, at last, girls love fairy tales more, and one of the most widespread “Cinderella“. Of course, they want to become a princess, but to be better before it not as the girl on whom so much work is piled;
- you will raise the husband`s children who are in tender age, from three to five . If the second marriage occurs when the stepson or the stepdaughter gather for the first time in the first class, it is additional load both of you, and of the child. In such situation it is very seductive to prove to be “strict mummy“, but and it is so difficult for the first grader and if he connects the first failures with your pressing, then good contact at you will not turn out. As well as in case the child of the husband is in pubertatny age, this period and in itself “protest“, and here still there is a fine irritant in the form of the stepmother;
- the child of your husband will be younger than you more than for 10 - 12 years. Of course, happy exceptions when “stepdaughter“ turns out either the coeval, or “elder sister“ of the stepmother, but also at this deal not the fact that they will live in perfect harmony are.
The more the age difference between you and the husband`s child, the is more than chances to become for him the authority.
The man has to participate in creation of the new relations of darling with his children actively too. For this purpose they need in common to develop uniform tactics - cannot be present at a family the “kind“ and “angry“ police officer at once. Otherwise, the chameleon which conducts double, and even threefold game very often grows from the child, for example, quite often communicating with the blood mother.
And it is not recommended to part with the child “syus at all - pus“. Children very accurately feel advances and actively protest against such approach.
But anyway even if the relations do not develop from the very beginning - do not give in to panic. Constant dropping will wear away a stone. Eventually, experience - business acquirable …