How, every new year of marriage, relationship in a family changes?
What the family means to you?. Yours. Others. What is.
Not often we think of it. And we live in a family, with a family, anyway, constantly. And these problems, family problems, seem the most important, the most significant, the most demanding an exit. In search of decisions we fill to ourselves cones, we endow health and we forget about it, we play games and we demand sincerity, we do not believe in love and we demand its continuous manifestation from the person who nearby. Who in every way tries to prove to us that he loves …
Classical definition of a family says that the family is a small social group which members are connected by marriage, a roditelstvo and relationship, a life community, the general budget and mutual moral responsibility. So that`s that.
Still I very much love this tremendous word “ marriage “... Why quite so called the relations of two loving hearts?. My husband, hearing this word, every time jokes: “ Good business “ marriage “ will not call … “ And why ancient domestic people did not think up more romantic name? All know that “ as you will call the ship, so it also will float … “ Here also we enter amicably the marriage relations, sincerely hoping that rejected all of them - will not become.
Having lived some period a newly made family (sincerely I wish that it lasted eternally!.), we suddenly understand that konfetno - the buketny stage somehow imperceptibly ended, and life, our, Ukrainian, becomes more and more. More and more seldom the beloved husband gives flowers, even more often the beloved wife is irritated that he ceased to pay compliments, he meets with friends himself already more often, she cooks not so much well how many on a habit, it, (suddenly!) begins to snore at night, it pleases " more and more; natural “ beauty … and so indefinitely. Or till a certain end, it as to whom will carry.
And someone, having lived up to this light period, decides to strengthen feelings and to sate them with big passions - to give birth to the child. Always, facing such examples in life, like dual feelings to these women (I think, you agree with me that more often on such step there are all - women …). On the one hand, I do not believe that the third person (little man) can solve problems of two. On the other hand, probably, this courage to trust in similar … No, well of course, some families thanks to it splochatsya even more, and really become the real family. It is a pleasure to admire such!. However, as a rule, at such families and till the child`s birth everything is all right with support, mutual understanding and respect. The same which, without having managed to endure one crisis, with the head are dipped in following (and emergence in a family of the new participant - the child is the most present critical moment, or crisis) - rescue the marriage or very expensive price, or do not find possible (we read: necessary) to rescue it. Statistics of stains such is what the enormous number of early marriages breaks up on the first year of existence, having already managed to get the child …
What to do? What can rescue feelings? To rescue a family?.
Each person has the answer to these questions, not always we, however, can say it aloud. Not always we can admit it to ourselves. To.
When I face emergence of a problem situation in the family which is not possible for solving for the present moment, I know that “ everything will pass, and it too “. It is my saving installation. When the situation lasts long enough, I remember that “ each family in the course of the development passes a number of stages and endures a certain number of crises “ … In my opinion, exactly the knowledge warns possible mistakes, acts “ in a temper “ antecedents deletion … I sincerely believe that many married couples, knowing certain laws of development of a family, would be more ready to the coming changes, would understand what occurs with itself and the partner that happens to the relations … To us not to save already nonexistent unions, not to change us the past. But we can create the future, we can happily live in the present!.
For this purpose I want to share the knowledge gained and from personal experience, and from experience of clients, and from various references, and from publications of family psychologists and psychotherapists.
Everything has the dynamics of development.
I a family develops on certain cycles.
I absolutely agree that each family is unique, exactly as well as each person is a personality, the unique personality. I do not like to average anybody and to measure by one criterion. But I accept that the person passes in the development several stages or stages (the same Freud with the stages of psychosexual development, domestic scientists with the periodization etc.) . I know that any group or collective develop on already existing regularities. And a family - all this the same group … What they, stages of development of a family?
Stage 1. Extra family love
Here to me would like to carry so-called civil marriages and will forgive me women in them living. Supervision show that women in such families, consider themselves as wives, men seek not to be expressed so categorically and choose softer definitions, speaking “ beloved “ “ my girl “ etc. I will not tell, it is bad or it is good (very much I love when the husband calls darling …), but it is a little differently. As well as always in relationship of the man and woman.
Here we meet initial entry into the world each other, distribution of work and duties, the decision financial, housing and connected with maintaining the general economy and life of problems … However all this occurs through a love veil, we just are ready to close eyes to a lot of things and there is no feeling that it forever, it is possible to bear something. At many the main motive is the fear to lose already loved one - without being married to leave much more simply, to divide less … The relations seem both serious and frivolous at the same time. None of partners know how long will be these relations - can arise the periodic fits of anger provoked by the party, the most unsatisfied this situation.
Stage 2. Family of newlyweds
Or young family, somehow. Winged sentiments after a wedding, feeling of euphoria, “ honeymoon “ grandiose plans and hopes, belief in the happiest future … You did not test something similar? Means, you are not married yet. Or there are certain circumstances about which only you know.
As soon as the loving couple decided to reunite and establish a family, this stage, so-called " begins; honeymoon “. Though on terms you should not perceive this concept literally: the honeymoon proceeds until each of newlyweds continues to stay in confidence that his partner - incarnate perfection. This specific state of mind and directly related period of family life in the western psychology are quite often called “ crazy “ - insanity. It in own way very exact: ideas of the elect or the darling at the individual staying in such state, really strongly idealizirovana are distorted and often have a little general with the real person.
In the first “ honey “ year of a matrimony as show researches of the Russian psychologists, 37% of married couples claim: the relation to the satellite (companion) of life became more strict, 29% note the increased number of disagreements. The perception of each other changes, there is a revaluation. The matrimony represents a dynamic picture, begins with idealization of the partner, the relations with it. It is succeeded by disappointment (the more, than the charm was big), then only there comes settling of the relations. Nearly a half of respondents declared that similar dynamics was for them unexpected and it is much more difficult, than they assumed.
It is considered that this period of marriage life is the most difficult and dangerous from the point of view of stability of a family.
The problems connected with the birth and education of children intensity of the budget of time, sharp restriction of leisure, increase of physical and nervous fatigue are inherent in young marriages. All this is imposed on love and formation of matrimonial friendship.
In the psychological plan the essence of these two stages is reduced to difficult and diverse process of adaptation of spouses to each other and to a joint way of life. It is known, unfortunately, that 65% of stains fall on the first 10 years of a matrimony.
Safely to endure this difficult period of development, each spouse has to assume the share of responsibility for the solution of questions of a personal, material and household order. If it does not occur, then problems remain unresolved and begin slowly (and sometimes and quickly), but to make the life truly miserable. Even such trifle as the plate which is not washed up in time or not thrown out ashtray, can have effect of suddenly become torn bomb sometimes. And if each of spouses stays in belief that the plate is responsibility of another, then it, most likely, will remain not washed up. The serious conflicts disappearing till a time in family unconscious most often break outside in trifles.
It is very important, in my opinion, that during this period of development of the spouse decided to see each other the presents: without illusions, without disappointments (which, alas, will be). To see and accept. As one person respected by me speaks: “ The Family is a hard work “. At this stage the heaviest work also begins - how to offer the egoism (“ fall in love with me such what I am … “) how to learn to reach a compromise how to learn to forgive and apologize how to cease to be jealous how to force itself not only to understand the point of view of the partner, but also to begin to share it … Happens such " much; as “. In the course of search of answers to all these and many other questions the family also gets feeling “ MY “. Naturally, it is ideal version of the solution of all problems.
Stage 3. A family with small child(children)
It is natural that with the advent of the first child we, considering a family, deal already with essentially new organism. Some psychologists consider that only with the birth of the child it is possible to speak about a family in the true sense of the word. In Christian tradition the child-bearing throughout centuries was considered as the highest mission of a family.
At the same time, appearance of children in a family - also heavy additional responsibility. It is absolutely new life situation.
Now on the relations the man - the woman the relations of parents and children are imposed. The third enters life of two. And it by definition is difficult and fraught with crisis even if the child is loved and desired. Transformation of a dyad into a triad inevitably involves not only change of habitual vital way, but also reorganization of very many developed relations.
With the advent of the child the woman just physically will not be able to pay to the man attention in that volume in what that received it earlier. The family, most likely, should refuse for some time the ways of carrying out leisure and entertainments which became habitual. Redistribution of responsibility between spouses is inevitable. Therefore the man has to assume some part of work on providing life of a family relating to the sphere of responsibility of his spouse when they were two. At least, it will be an exit for many situations. And the woman will undoubtedly estimate support of the husband that certainly will rally a family even more.
One more mainly female problem connected with a child-bearing - a career problem. Even if the child is given birth at the moment which is most suitable from this point of view even if for the sake of it it was not necessary to endow education, the thesis, appointment to an interesting and promising position, all the same for some time the woman is switched off from professional and partially from social life. The will - bondage narrows a circle of her communication. Even if it is realized and accepted by the woman, at the subconscious level all the same remains for her a potential source of a stress. From there can be inadequate reactions, the increased irritability directed to the spouse. From the man, which now not only the husband, but also the father, during this period of life, as, perhaps, in any another, the attention and understanding is required.
One more aspect is grandfathers and the grandmother. Grandfathers and grandmothers are, of course, different, but the majority of them wait - will not wait for the birth of grandsons, madly rejoice to their birth and in eager rivalry offer the services in leaving and supervision behind them (in any case grandmothers). To use their services - of course big temptation, especially for young spouses.
However it must be kept in mind that most of grandmothers and some grandfathers as a payment for the services apply for the right to be the Supreme arbitrators in how to bring up grandsons, to what and as to teach them, than to feed and in how many to put to bed. When it happens also the child`s parents to it publicly or secretly agree, it is possible not to doubt: the next crisis situation already develops …
the Stage 4. “ The Family with the matured children “
“ Children are teenagers … “ “ Conflict of fathers and children … “
Here the beginning of this stage which is connected with a growing of children and the beginning of their independent life out of the parental house. Adult, spiritually and psychologically mature people what, in principle, the man and the woman who established a family and gave birth to the child are realize that all meaning of life of the child in a parental family consists in preparation it to adulthood. Lives of the free and independent person who independently builds the future. And the office or separation it from parents is a natural result of process of a growing. It is as if a signal to parents that their mission is executed.
However even rather mature people, releasing daughters and sons to the world of adults, quite often are alarmed how there will be their life, how successfully they will cope with tasks and difficulties which they will meet inevitably. But mature people trust the children. They believe that those are ready and can successfully pass the course of life even in dark of our Ukrainian reality. They know also that they can always come to the rescue of the son or the daughter when those about it ask them and to make that in their forces and opportunities. It seems to me, the real parents have to be such.
But many parents for some reason (for certain reasons which they can guess someone it is conscious, someone unconsciously) cannot find trust to own children. They not in forces to admit the fact that at some point before them any more not the boy, but the man, not the girl, but the adult girl. For such parents the moment when children leave their house, can become the real nightmare. And this nightmare pursues them from the moment of the child`s birth. The most widespread variation on such nightmare stated unlike many others, aloud - fear of army. On the one hand - fear objective, considering military reality. On the other hand, the car and modern roads - much more real threat. But we seek to provide the child and the rights and a car … to
Therefore a task of spouses not only to prepare children for withdrawal from a family, but also to accept this situation even if it is endured as loss. It is not the end of life, this its continuation at all.
Here only after the child separated, spouses necessarily remain with themselves. And it is already heavier and heavier to lead the child`s life. It is good if there is the. And she arranges, she is interesting, and is, than to live … Onto what we so diligently close eyes to the existing problems, we leave them until forces them to decide life?. Actual crisis is lived far easier. And health is more whole … than
the Stage 5. “ Most “ adult “ family “
Still it is called “ a family at a late stage of development “ somehow a little attractively. But it is better, than “ aging “. Though, perhaps, it also is for many the vital truth.
If the family more or less successfully overcame all crises and reached this period, it is already possible to say that marriage took place. My congratulations!
People not so often get divorced, having lived with each other not one decade, having grown up children and having waited for grandsons. But even after “ silver wedding “ not to mention “ gold “ in the matrimonial relations there are disappointments, crises and the conflicts.
At some moment there comes physiological fading of spouses. As a result their life is left by happiness of sensual love, that pleasure which they gave each other leaves. If they did not love each other love spiritual, love with open eyes with which the happy family begins, then they have big problems.
Here the fear of death begins to be shown actively. Quite often it is aggravated “ syndrome of a retirement age “ - feeling of the social uselessness. It is especially actual for our reality in which “ care “ about pensioners became the talk of the town. Besides, at elderly people the circle of contacts begins to be narrowed. This state when all social communications of the person owing to some circumstances are interrupted, and he remains one. The death social quite often involves death physical. And all - the fear of physical death is, perhaps, a key problem of people and families of old age.
However if the person believes in immortality of soul, the last stage of human and family life is not expectation of the end, and an opportunity to put affairs in order, to be prepared for life eternal. People and, respectively, the married couples accepting such point of view in the twilight of life appear not at the tragic deadlock, and get new unique chance in life.
For them the free time which appeared after retirement - not tiresome and sad inaction, the testimony of their uselessness, and an opportunity to make what is not completed, to correct what needs correction, to finish the relations which need to be finished, and to create new. For the spouses loving each other able to see, spiritual love it is an opportunity again to pay each other a maximum of attention and to spend with each other time maximum. In some sense it is one more opportunity to endure a honeymoon, but already with the person whom you know and you love the most part of the life.
However, even that family which exactly thus approaches an old age problem should endure one more crisis, very heavy, probably, last in the history of their family. In memory of mankind the legends narrating about couples which died remained the same as they lived, - together. In real life, alas, usually happens differently. At some moment one of spouses if there is no sudden cardiac arrest, begins to die really. There comes the so-called terminal stage of human life. At many people at this stage the fear of death becomes aggravated with a new force. But on it, the last stage of mortal life it is very important to feel presence of the loved one.
Transitions from one phase of the family relations, to another can happen more painfully and is problematic or is quite quiet and without special complications - everything depends on personal features of spouses. Actually each transition is followed by a certain crisis which can be considered or “ full end “ or the moment without which there cannot just be a development. To you to choose.
About crises and their possible decisions (an exit is always!) we will talk in the second part. Progress to us!