Where to look for itself?
Ya sit in front of the computer in the twilight of empty office. Through blinds the sun makes the way. I open two vordovsky pages. On one - the unfinished statement of claim in economic court, the second - the head of my love story. I lean back on a back of a chair and I remove blinds. Solar spots equal strips lay down on a table. Light and shade, and between them such thin, but distinct side, the line. Creativity and the right, on different sides of this side, are so close, but are considerably opposite.
For me creativity is light, the sun which is so desperately getting into a window and soul. I come back to the distressful claim, and the consciousness is reconstructed on an equal, strict harmony. Several same offers, formal explanations, requisites, the signature, a cap, the press - are ready. I am dissatisfied with it. I am indifferent. It is same as hundreds of those that are already buried in folders of the closed and forgotten affairs long ago. I open the novel and with grief I reach a deadlock.
The law oppresses me, holds down in a framework, builds thinking in rovnenky strings. Why the law cannot be my muse? I write tens of claims, appeals and cassations a day, but I cannot finish chapter of the novel. Not because there is no time but because I cannot.
I know many people, by profession - lawyers, and on calling - writers. My friend composes the masterpieces only in the conditions of the tough and intense schedule of legal employment. To go crazy! Unless the right is a creativity? Why not? Specific, narrowly targeted, strict and … limited. In it - the formulas and the principles, rules without which it is impossible and it is illegal. It is a framework which holds down consciousness of true creative flight.
I get a grasp of laws and I will come across the same words. Jars on me from such limitation though it also is correct. It is useful to read the code before a script writing. Here the orientation almost same there is more similarity, and. But the poetry and the law - are far as the sky and the earth.
Actually, style of a statement of the lawyer - the prose writer distinguishes it from ranks just of writers and poets. Its style - style of the strict and exact claim, equal and tiresome law. He does not suspect that, but, having re-read thousands of acts and judicial materials for the life, he just cannot write in a different way. His thinking works absolutely differently. It lacks the imagination, light, moral substance, beauty of language.
And I choke in a heap of the same papers and gray, long laws. Management, instruction. Nobility, study, but not to create, not to compose.
It tightens, sucks in with a huge force. Today you fall asleep before the huge civil code, tomorrow you brilliantly carry the case in court, and in a year you think only through a prism of articles, acts, postan, decisions, claims and appeals. This happiness, if also with all the heart, but if the soul rots in darkness of boredom and a framework of knowledge, then the right exists that to break completely it.
I not against judicial proceedings and a lawful law and order. I can do it with pleasure. I can, but at the level of heart is a utopia.
It is a problem of claims of one soul or society in general? Whether the poet can work as the lawyer? Can. May he become the good lawyer? Question. Whether wants or has to owing to social are necessary also to impossibility of realization of as creator? In most cases so. To break itself - too a problem only of time, and to here create the empire on ruins of the soul and lie - the invention doomed to a failure from the very beginning on destruction of.
Yes, remarkable will power is necessary to leave the heated place towards only to the dream. But my dream was stronger than my weakness. I left. Was sorry? Yes, but not long. I believe in what not only the lawyer, and even not the lawyer, but the person with legal education, can reach something in life, but also the poet has to create the verses and give them life. Because without poets there would be no lawyers and vice versa. The lawyer - a profession from work, the poet - the creator from mankind. Lawyers read verses, though do not admit it. Houses, before going to bed, and even in a corridor near the hall of court session they do a drink of saving air to relax, remove stress, to dream that is given them so seldom and so a little.
And everything is simple. Everyone has to be on the place. Without fear and reproach. My friend is not a writer, she is a lawyer. She writes now and will write even more if she and remains at the level of the ordinary lawyer for 300 dollars, or will cease to write in general, but will make an outstanding career of the lawyer. It is the vital choice. Choice of the creativity, creativity of the soul.
Only honesty before by itself opens doors in the bright and happy future. I did not return and, perhaps, I sympathize with lawyers, as well as they are to poets and writers because we such different, such close and far.
I added the novel and published it. I sit in front of the computer, I finish following, I lean back on a chair back, I include a lamp, and on my table it is also differentiated lay down light and shade, and between them the thin line of an infinite abyss. Now I know where I, and I am happy.