How to help the child to endure divorce of parents? Problems of an incomplete family
it is unconditional, bringing up the child independently, you will face enough problems. After divorce, as well as after a wedding, life only begins. Both for you, and for your child it will be absolutely new life. Let`s try to consider some of the difficulties arising usually.
the Attitude towards the father in an incomplete familycan allocate to
In family education of children without father (and all this is the option of an incomplete family which is most often found at us) three main types of the relations.
The first type is defined by mother`s position never to mention the father and to build education as if it never was. Such style can be considered expedient only in a situation when the child really did not know the father, and mother made the decision on the birth of the child and on his future education independently. However and in that case mother should make certain explanations to the child when he is capable to understand them. And the earlier she will make it, the better. If the child knew the father, remembers him, then to build education, pretending that it is absent just and was not, hardly reasonably.
The second type behavior is characterized by attempts of mother to depreciate the father. In this case mother tries to efface from children`s memoirs even the most insignificant positive impressions about the father. She in every way seeks to convince the child that the father was a bad person therefore the family became incomplete. Usually mother induces to behave thus fear to lose love of the child. And the effect is gained opposite. The similar educational position should be considered adverse under all conditions, any the true situation.
For example if the child badly remembers the father and the situation which led to divorce, then it, most likely, will interpret negative attitude of mother to it as unfair. Moreover, in process of a growing children in such family instead of respecting and appreciating more mother, begin to look at it critically and, perhaps, to transfer to the attitude towards her the offenses for absence of the father. Frequent all that negative what mentioned mother in relation to the father, children begin to notice, fix in mother.
So there are deep internal conflicts and contact between the child and mother who is especially necessary for an incomplete family is broken. If the child had memories of the father and besides he has an opportunity to see it, then especially, you should not influence his estimates, it is better to allow him to draw conclusions. Children are, as a rule, fair and reasonable. Anyway, both for the child, and for mother it will be better if he takes something good in the adulthood from the father.
The third type education is connected with creation at children of idea of the father as about the ordinary person who has certain advantages and certain shortcomings, weaknesses. It is the most difficult position for mother, but the most reasonable and favorable for education of the child. She demands from mother of unusual endurance, self-checking, ability to suppress the direct emotions, maybe, even to overcome bitterness from the experienced injustice or offense.
If mother consistently and consciously realizes such position in the relations with the child, it allows to overcome substantially the main difficulties of education connected with absence of the father. Similar approach not only will not cause complications, but also will create the correct emotional base for education. The child will be able quietly and reasonably to perceive maternal authority, irrespective of the developed family circumstances.
Other problems of an incomplete family
However the correct position in relation to the absent father is only one of the parties of specificity of education in an incomplete family. In addition, lonely mother needs to resolve also other tasks. Here some of them.
It is known that in a full family mother traditionally carries out function of an emotional background of a family, creates the warm family atmosphere, carries out a task of proximity, credibility, understanding. And the father carries out function of standard control to a large extent, creates system of estimates, carries out regulation of behavior. In a family where the only tutor - mother, she needs to carry out both of these functions that in practice is very difficult, and at times it is just impossible. Therefore at education it is more correct to take care of the fullest embodiment of maternal function as in attempt to carry out all tasks of both parents, as a rule, any is not solved successfully.
In incomplete families many economic problems, natural to any family, get a special psychological shade. Parents who gradually acquaint children with the level of financial opportunities of the family do right thing. However some lonely mothers since early years try to put some idea to the children that as they have no father, children cannot afford a lot of things, seven one mothers provide. It is not necessary to do it as the child can not always correctly realize the true reasons limiting him desires and can feel the dissimilarity, the difference from other children, it can have an idea of own exclusiveness.
There is also an opposite unfortunate trend passing with a time into a pronounced extreme. Lonely mother sees the parental task in as much as possible to give to the child what is in other families, to execute all desires of the child. In the course of a growing such children can turn into egoists and tyrants. Not accustomed to refuse anything to themselves, they can unfriendly begin to treat the parents, categorically demanding performance of all desires. At refusal such children feel unfortunate, deprived, begins to seem to them that they are a little loved.
All this leads to deep intra family problems. The child, maturing, demands more and more, and maternal forces begin to run low. Even if mother in everything limits herself, her opportunities do not allow to satisfy all inquiries of the child. She feels more and more that its victims were vain.
Therefore it is much better if mother who is bringing up the child one tries to compensate not so much economic shortcomings how many to strengthen other parties of education. Better if she acquaints the child with cultural, inherent values, will create, but not to buy his love.
One more problem of education in an incomplete family is that such education demands self-restriction, big sincere expenses, ability to give all itself. However quite often lonely mothers build all communication with children on suggestion by it of feeling of gratitude, creation of a cult of self-sacrifice, forgetting that it is impossible to demand gratitude for birth, for love and care which are a natural parental duty. Mother needs to remember constantly that to have the child, to care for him, to observe how he gradually develops and matures as his personality is formed, - huge human happiness.
The child studies very much in the family. Including to ability to overcome critical situations. How you will manage to endure a divorce situation that will lose and your family will find from it, also how in own adulthood children will fight against everyday difficulties depends. Therefore it is so important to teach them on the example of your relations with the former spouse not only to quarrel, clash, but also to be able to find a common language and mutually acceptable solutions even in very difficult questions.