How to help the child to endure divorce of parents? What to tell
When joint family life becomes intolerable for a married couple, it seems to them that, having divorced, they will at once solve all the problems. But, having only decided on this step, they right there face the whole array of problems new, sometimes much more significant, than those that faced them earlier.
Both the first, and most important question which arises in this regard and by which there will not be able to pass any more or less responsible parent is as as it is necessary to speak to the child about the taken place divorce and about changes in family life.
As how to speak?
It is good if mother, and the father take a uniform and accurate position, anything will be hidden and held back. Any half-words, whisper strengthen tension of children, increase their curiosity, cause suspicions and can provoke absolutely fantastic assumptions at the child. Therefore it is necessary to protect feelings of the child and to give him sufficient information in order that he did not dream, sometimes other imaginations will be far more painful, than the truth. It is necessary to remember that children are inclined to feel responsible for all tragedies happening in a family. From their point of view, the reason of divorce is quite obvious: parents quarrel or disperse from - for their bad behavior.
To reduce traumatic heat for the child, sincerity and clarity in an explanation of current situation are necessary. In explanations it is important to consider age, specific features of the child, a possibility of understanding of the events by it. Children cannot lie. Constant half-words can lead to fears and other undesirable effects especially as the child all the same learns sooner or later about everything. On the other hand, clear, as sometimes to tell all truth about your relations with the husband, without injuring the child, happens it is impossible.
The most correct - to offer to the child an explanation simple and available to his understanding. And it is very important point in development of your future relations, both with the ex-husband, and with the child. The child is more senior and is more adult, the more he can be told. If it is absolutely small, then it is better to postpone conversation until when it has questions of the father.
The preschool child is enough to be told that the father will not live with you any more, but will come. The formulation is most available to the small child: “ The Father moves, more with us will not live, but will come to us, and you will be able to see him so much how many you will want “. It is clear, that such words have to be supported with the conscious arrangement of parents.
At conversation with the teenager it is not necessary to press in a detailed explanation of the reasons and circumstances of divorce too, to inadmissibly explain divorce with insolvency of the spouse. You should not speak also about violation of marital fidelity, as well as about other cases when acts of your husband humiliated your advantage. It is quite possible that question “ Why? “ will not follow at all as children are inclined to accept circumstances such what they are. However, unfortunately, statements of type are very popular: “ The Father bad, we expelled him and more to us we will not let “. Such statement of a question can injure very much your child who loves the father, also strongly, as well as mother.
It is necessary to separate the relations of the dispersed spouses from the attitude towards children. The child has to see and understand clearly that he waits for him what will be his further relations with the father whether it will meet it. For the child of any age it is important to know whether his parents after divorce will continue to love it and whether will always care for it. Therefore it is necessary to explain clear and well to him a situation and in positive light to draw its future.
If at you the girlHas to meaning
that girls more often than boys carry the experiences connected with divorce of parents in themselves, at the same time their external behavior can almost not change. However there can quite be other signs of experiences: the lowered working capacity, excessive fatigue, a depression, refusal of communication, tearfulness, irritability. Eczemas, gastritises, stutter, the persuasive movements - all this the most typical manifestations of internal tension of children by means of which they suggest adults to think of family climate.
Therefore it is worth listening to the daughter if she suddenly begins to complain of an illness. Sometimes such behavior serves one task - to draw to itself attention of the left parents, to fasten their bonds or, at least, to be convinced that they did not stop loving it. And if at all this the girl, distracting from family misfortunes, jumps and jump in the yard, without feeling any discomfort, then do not hurry to reproach her with pretense.
All she speaks about, she really feels, and your main task - to prevent fixing of such feelings as it can lead to various somatic diseases. During this period it is necessary to find for it a maximum of time and attention. Many of girls who externally seemed overcome crisis, having reached a maturity, unexpectedly became deeply concerned, lost ability of the choice, felt fear of changes and treacheries in intimate relations.
do not turn the child into own psychotherapist
So, apparently, everything clearly: it is necessary to separate the claims to the spouse from the attitude towards children, to tell all to the child in a form, available to it. However why many people cope with a similar situation absolutely not so easily why they do not reduce, and sometimes strengthen experiences of the child concerning divorce?
This results from the fact that adults, often are not able to control own experiences, change the attitude towards the child: someone sees in it the reason of disorder of a family and, without hesitating, speaks about it; someone is adjusted on entirely to devote himself to education of the child; someone learns in it hated lines of the former spouse or, on the contrary, rejoices to their absence. Anyway internal disharmony of the adult in postadjustable crisis leaves a mark on education of the child.
Some adults absorbed by own misfortune devote the child in all details, forcing it to take a position of the arbitrator or judge. Children often are eyewitnesses of rough scenes and trials between parents when those do not hesitate in words and expressions. The husband leaving a family is usually perceived by the woman as the traitor, the rascal. Its typical reaction - anger, feeling of injustice that is respectively reflected also in her behavior.
It finds for itself a set of moral justifications for such behavior, and the main thing from them - “ I act just for the sake of the child “. And it is natural that children are of the opinion of the offended mother. However such behavior quickly finds the reverse I will shift: “ If mother could be mistaken so, so and she too not understands everything “. And further the new round of crisis - falling of the authority of mother follows.
Therefore do not turn the child into own psychotherapist! Do not confuse it to the spouse or to parents, do not expect from it adult understanding of the events - it will only add disappointment in family life for all of you. And as if further there were no your relations with the former spouse, remember, for children he all the same remains the father, and you should make many decisions together with it.