How to improve the communication with people? Secrets a Gestalt - therapists of
the Gestalt - therapy are the direction of classical psychology placing emphasis on the events “ here and now “. A Gestalt - the therapist seldom finds out from the person of a detail of his childhood or old events, but pays attention to the emotions and processes happening to the client at present.
In article I collected the practical notes and recipes allowing to improve understanding of and the interlocutor to any person. It is better to apply them for a start to itself.
What is not done by the psychologist:
1. Does not give to the client the prevailing advice (“ you do everything incorrectly, and it is necessary here so “).
2. Does not make diagnoses (“ you suppressed a superego, you mean has to make it “) .
3. Does not consider that it is always right.
4. Does not carry out psychological consultation if it about it is not asked.
What is done by the psychologist:
1. Attentively watches the client, paying attention to features of his behavior.
2. Traces own feelings arising at it during conversation.
3. Does not impose, and checks the assumptions (“ I have a version what to you there is it whether I am right? “) .
4. Traces readiness of the client or interlocutor for perception of the assumptions.
Further we will consider what the Gestalt - the therapist pays attention to. I suggest also you to pay attention to such manifestations at myself or at the interlocutor. This approach helped me to communicate better more effectively with people, it is better to understand itself.
So, I will list five protective mechanisms which can prevent communication.
1. A diinflection - the main mechanism inherent in most of people. True emotions or problems are behind long abstract reasonings or situations are expressed not respectively.
“ I had a conflict with the chief. He accused me of bad work. It is difficult to tell what here to do. All chiefs bad, life is arranged unfairly and if to look abstractly... “ At the moment when the person passed to abstract reasonings, it is possible to stop it and to ask: “ And what you feel concerning this situation right now? “ “ What now happens to you when you tell me about the conflict? “ Communication can move to a new level.
“ To me in general it is somehow sad. Everything in general does not leave. And happens that everything is interesting to me, all “. Here person “ smears “ concrete emotion on all the vital processes. It is good to ask here: “ What now happens to you? “
the Person laughs, telling a sad story. It is possible to tell: “ When you tell it, to me is sad. And you? “
in the course of discussion of a problem of people begins to speak monotonously, without emotions. Or you listened is interested, and suddenly to you became unexpected boringly and sad. It is interesting to learn at this moment that the story-teller feels. If it is the loved one, then it is possible to tell him about the emotions: “ At first I felt interest, and then suddenly it became boring for me. What do you feel now? “
2. The retroinflection consists that the person does with himself what would like to make with others. Usually it is aggression or (more rare) approval. It is easy to determine it by gestures and gestures: active pochesyvaniye, breaking off of fingers, a gryzeniye of nails, a derganiye of for ears or hair often say that the person turns on himself the aggression prepared for others. Tell the mimic movements about the same: kusaniye of lips, nasuplivaniye of eyebrows etc. Listening to the person (or watching itself), pay attention - at what moments it begins to retrofleksirovat. Look for a contradiction between gestures and sense of words!
“ But I am not angry with it " at all; - the person says and begins to gnaw a nail or to pull itself fingers.
“ I am guilty, I badly made “ - the person says, gently stroking himself on a hand. Here it is possible to ask (if you are close familiar): “ When you do it (you gnaw a nail, you iron yourself) what you feel? “
3. The projection is an attributing to the outside world of the emotions and reactions.
it seems to the Person that all passersby look at it, all militiamen steal, all men long for it, all relatives want to it the evil. It is worth paying attention to it and to try to find out what occurs with the person: whether it has envy to stealing (whether he considers that in general, somewhat, they are good fellows) whether there is no it searching, trying on to itself each man, what does he think of relatives etc. Perhaps, it sounds is banal, but it really works.
the Person considers someone the enemy or the friend, believes that another experiences to it strong emotions. In that case it is worth checking, whether so it. For example, to ask another as it actually concerns him. Or to analyse behavior of the one who caused strong emotions - whether really he showed what to it is attributed. Projections have property to be realized actually, as in the known example of E. Burn with a jack. If you foreknow that your neighbor - the boor, then, perhaps, you begin with him contact too not really friendly. You take its natural response for rudeness.
4. The introjection back projections also includes the statements put in us by other people (introyekta). Introyekta are useful. For example, all forms of politeness and the rule of decency concern to them. Explained to each of us what it is polite to tell “ thanks “ and “ please “ to remove footwear on a visit, to come on a visit with flowers etc. Problems begin if the person not up to the end realizes need and intelligence of the rules enclosed in him. Or these rules prevent it to contact to the world.
Introyekta in a classical form have an appearance “ I have to “ “ I should not “. For example, “ I have to be the good father “ or “ I have to be honest “ “ I should not raise the voice “. Ask the interlocutor to change the formulation “ I have to “ on “ I want “ “ I should not “ on “ I do not want “. Ask whether it is right.
“ I have to work hard “ let`s replace on “ I want to work hard “. Whether it is right concerning you or the interlocutor?
are Especially interesting statements about emotions: “ I have to love someone “.
5. Merge - the last protective mechanism. Its sense is that the person identifies himself with group of other people or the specific person. It is necessary to pay attention to the phrases beginning with “ we “. “ We solved... “ “ it is pleasant to us... “ “ we love... “. Suspecting at other person or itself merge, ask to tell it most about yourself too, paying attention to the emotions.
“ We chose furniture, and very much it is pleasant to us “ replace on “ I chose furniture, and it very much is pleasant to me “. Whether it is right?
Merge is badly reflected in the family relations. Alternative to merge is the arrangement and a compromise when the parties consciously make concessions each other, distinguishing where whose desire. Merge erases border between people - one inevitably suppresses, and the second caves in. Understanding of merge allows people to trace the borders and to communicate is more equal.
Most of people uses all mechanisms of protection alternately though some of them can be more or less peculiar to this person. It is worth overcoming them for the only purpose - to understand what desire if emotion hides behind the protective mechanism. Protection always happens from something. Also a Gestalt - therapists consider that the person has no boredom which especially came sharply in the middle of interesting process.
Most likely, such boredom masks fear or irritation. If it happens to you, then feel what really happened to you at the time of occurrence of boredom.