What is the cornerstone of the family conflict?
of the Spouse, mothers and fathers, parents and children - people closest each other … However, it is worth reflecting why in language there are a lot of set expressions indicating trouble in the sphere of these relations? “ Conflict of fathers and children “ “ We love enemies of the enemies “ (about bigger love of grandmothers to grandsons, than children), “ Beat the wife by a lunch, and for dinner " again (without fight for a table do not sit down); “ The Wife not a pot, you do not rasshibt “ “ Kolya a poker beat out teeth, in soldiers will not take “ “ Bill the wife day, itself cried year “.
What is the cornerstone of the family conflicts? Why communication of dear and close people often reminds the game “ Deaf " phone;? This children`s entertainment is widely known. You whisper something on an ear to the neighbor, that to the following and so on while your message in the transformed look does not come back to you.
The difference between game and life consists that we usually do not suspect of life what game we play. Hindrances for some reason occur in the heads “ players “ and, than the relations are more significant, subjects of distortions occurs more. Interlocutors for some reason often hear what is wanted to be heard and not that sounds actually. Or tell one, meaning actually something other is perfect. What psychological mechanisms are involved in this process?
We will consider a typical family situation: evening, a dinner behind, the wife with knitting on a sofa, the husband at the computer. The pause drags on, and the wife says the ordinary phrase with which conflict interaction in couple often begins.
“ You do not pay attention to me at all! “
This phrase can become the end of a thread, having pulled for which it is possible to untangle a difficult ball of relationship.
Why and for what this message becomes? However, already at this stage often there are some difficulties for the analysis because the woman can tell this phrase from the state realized at the moment or from an image of the offended wife.
We will assume that the message is made of an image of the offended wife. What does it mean? It means that the woman has time of no requirement to communicate at the moment, but there is a clear idea of how the loving spouses have to spend a free time. Derogations from the model which is present at the wife`s head is considered as serious violation of the code of family relationship. It should be noted that the husband can not have idea of this model because existence of similar model and in consciousness of the husband seems to the wife self-evident, and to ask or carry out comparison of the available models often does not come to spouses to mind. The most amusing will occur if the husband, having felt guilty, really, distracts from the computer and will tell: “ Well, let`s communicate what you would like to talk about? “ With high probability the woman will have feeling of confusion and bewilderment because as it was told earlier, there is no desire to communicate, there is only a feeling of discrepancy of the relations of a certain ideal model.
We will consider other option when the desire to communicate is present, but there is no clear idea of how to switch attention of the husband to themselves. What reaction the remark of the wife can cause in the husband? The phrase - reproach with high probability will cause sense of guilt in the husband, and reaction can be polar from deep repentance here to desire to be protected and attack in reply.
Why message “ You do not pay attention to me at all! “ it is perceived as reproach? Because You represent classical - the statement in which all responsibility for the situation of things is shifted to the husband (It YOU do not pay attention to me).
How to make so that the statement, having kept information contents, ceased to bear the reproaching, accusing influence? For this purpose it is necessary to transfer emphases from the interlocutor to itself, to take the responsibility for the events: I SO SEE AND I FEEL current situation.
It is comparable two messages:
• You do not pay attention to me at all!
• When you spend all evening at the computer, to me is offensive and bitter, even begins to seem that you do not love me at all; I want to spend with you more time together, let`s something think up about it? For example, we will go to the cinema? I will buy tickets!
Both statements can be used in the situation considered above, however the second statement stops being unfounded charge, we will analyse at the expense of what it occurs. In - the first, it contains the actual information with which it is difficult to argue: my eyes really see you, sitting in front of the computer. In - the second, I realize what feelings I have in connection with the called fact: offense and bitterness. In - the third, I separate the thoughts with feelings, I understand that, perhaps, I am mistaken and only it seems to me that you do not love me at all. In - the fourth, I have a clear idea of the desires: I want to see off more time with you. And, at last, in - the fifth, I find forces to resolve this situation, I have ideas as to make it: I suggest to buy tickets at cinema.
With high probability it is possible to assume that the husband at such statement of a question will want to meet halfway, support the initiative, but not to inflate conflict interaction.
We will review other example. Certainly, in a quiet situation when quarrel already ceased, understanding came that scandal arose from scratch, it is easy to argue and speak: actually I wanted … But when IT in DIRTY boots on just WASHED UP floor … The words estimating his behavior by itself fly from language. The husband automatically answers not always in a correct form. Thus, interlocutors become hostages of the developed automatism of communication.
Accurate understanding of the events in each timepoint will help to break off a habitual circle of automatic communication: I see dirty traces on a floor, I feel how the disappointment rolls … STOP! What do I want now? To splash out feeling of disappointment on the head of the spouse or to be heard and understood by it? This simple reception allows to avoid a large number of potentially conflict situations.
Thus, each of us always has a choice: to continue to play in “ Deaf " phone; with the partner, providing to him to guess what you want actually, and it is possible to withdraw this game from the list of family interactions. For this purpose it is necessary to treat sensitively the feelings, thoughts and desires, and also with great attention to approach the choice of words, them calling.