Love - partnership or dependence?
can Not always be defined precisely to what your relations - more gravitate to determination of dependence or partnership? Because any relations assume a certain dependence from each other and mutual obligations. Or obligations a long time unilateral - in case of the parent`s relations with the child.
But nevertheless, the criterion of dependence exists: it when your love becomes the center defining all other events of your life, and thus begins to disturb all other aspects of your life.
In this case all your vital decisions are not a consequence of your desires and common sense, and recognize from the fact that you need a dose of attention, love or a certain relation from object of your dependence. By itself, the dependent person very seldom realizes the dependence - in the same way as the alcoholic or the addict do not recognize the illness.
Love dependence at one of partners surely has to meet dependence of other partner which will organically add it. Therefore if the woman is inclined to love dependence, then it will surely find the man who is inclined to dependence too! But other character - to dependence of avoiding. This sweet couple is unseparable.
The woman, inclined to love dependence, is dipped into love with the head and is ready for everything for the sake of the man. And that in every way aspires in the opposite direction - it has the dependence. But as the man wants the relations too (and as differently - them all want!) - it supports them, but on a necessary minimum. Its dependence of avoiding does not allow to approach normally to it.
The woman subconsciously feels that if she at least slightly - slightly lowers power of the love - the relations will decay and the partner will leave. Therefore she often severs such relations to preserve at least the self-esteem remains. Here also it looks from outside as if it leaves, and the man suffers.
It is very dangerous to remain and further in this illusion: it is possible to build all life of the relation by such principle. But if to look in eyes of the dependence, to recognize it, there is a chance to learn to build healthier relations. And the most important - with other men. Not inclined to dependence of avoiding.
I gave an example with women, but on the place dependent in the same way there can be also a man. And then the scenario will be developed exactly the opposite.
Try to listen to nature of the feelings and to pay attention to such signs of love dependence:
• You constantly remember a subject of the love - many times in day, and these thoughts have persuasive character, climb in the head (as experiment try to count how many once a day you remembered darling - the figure can horrify you).
• You wait for what he cannot give you from your partner - and in principle is not capable (that is, you have overestimated expectations when you speak to yourself “ let him do not show these qualities now - but I see in it huge potential! “) . It is available - idealization of the partner.
• You always acquit him what he did - and even then when it is really guilty, you feel guilty.
• For the reasons given above constant sense of guilt you are not capable to look at your relations critically.
• You care for satisfaction of needs of the partner to the detriment of own.
• You are afraid that you are unworthy the partner because are inclined to compare him to themselves and he seems to you better.
• You are afraid that behave you naturally - he right there will throw you as he will not begin to suffer your tricks. And therefore you are inclined to behave as it is pleasant to the partner.
It is quite possible that you are on other side of barricades when your partner suffers from dependence to you, and you show dependence of avoiding . Then you will be able to notice the following:
• As soon as you begin to notice that the partner wants to make your relations closer and more frank, you begin to move away: all your efforts are directed to constraining a pressure of the partner and not to allow the relations to pass into a phase of relatives.
• You are afraid to lose “ freedom “ in the relations.
• It seems to you that “ marriage spoils everything “ and the true love is possible only at some distance from each other.
• You find for the hobbies, work and friends much more time, than to darling.
• At heart you are afraid that you are unworthy the partner and that he will throw you - for this reason in you there lives the belief that you should not fall in love too strongly in the future to be saved from suffering when parting.
As you can see, both dependences have the identical reasons which root in children`s or juvenile injuries. People who form couples by the principle of the relations of dependence have similar psychological lines which are only shown differently. But both partners have problems with sincere manifestation of feelings and fear of intimacy that prevents them to build the healthy relations.
If you noticed at yourself a number of signs of love dependence or dependence of avoiding - be not upset. It is necessary to rejoice! It means that you increased criticality in relation to yourself and now you for certain will be able to get rid of dependence. To recognize the dependence - the major condition for release from it.
Now you had a chance to distinguish sick behavior from healthy and to learn to build over time the partner, but not dependent relations.