Why you are afraid of sincerity?
Quite often misunderstanding in the relations arise because of ordinary concealment of the thoughts concerning actions of the partner. That is, you were dissatisfied, offended, angered, disappointed, but the partner about it was not told.
The reasons of such behavior can be various: you are afraid to offend or wound the loved one, he can leave you after your statements, you are afraid of deterioration in the relations etc. But result same as your emotions will demand an exit. And this way out will be found. But only when you will not be able to control yourself.
Most often you afford to suppress the emotions and consider that for this purpose there are objective reasons. But in a case with the partner you will be categorical - he has to explain the behavior! Because when he holds back the negative feelings (sparing yours, for example), he all the same somehow shows them, not verbally. And you feel - something not so in your relations. Then you begin to stick with the question “ What happened? “ also you receive the standard answer - “ Anything “.
I will not urge you to begin to state everything without remainder from tomorrow. From it there will definitely be no advantage because for long time for certain collected a lot of things. And to state it structurally at once will leave not at all. Especially as the majority of the reasons of our discontent roots in subconsciousness and is transferred to our partners from our childhood. Then on closer examination it is possible to notice that the rage on the husband is the veiled rage on the father and on all masculine gender, for example. And the offense on the wife is a disappointment in mother`s love. I strongly recommend not to be under a delusion and not to think that everything in our relations is rational and logical. The more often you will remember that we to a large extent behave unconsciously, the it will be easier to increase this sensibleness over time.
Our many desires, imaginations and fears have subconscious character. But, nevertheless, they most often motivate us to act. It is not especially pleasant to realize it, much more pleasantly to think that we have all under control. But, whether you like it or not, at all of us is “ dead zones “ and our task consists in learning about them as much as possible. From the aforesaid can draw two simple conclusions :
1. Neither you, nor your partner ever with confidence can claim that you precisely know as yourself, and each other. Influence of subconsciousness on behavior is so big that would be very self-confident to be declared that the person can understand everything that happens both to it, and to other person. It means that if you want to call the partner “ to an order “ or you demand to constrain communication and to be consecutive - very often you just cry for the moon. So, it is necessary to give both itself, and another an opportunity for maneuver. That is, to assume that you misunderstand something in the events, but, nevertheless, are ready to accept it and you will try to understand.
2. When your partner does something like that that does not climb in any framework (to your measures), remember that for 90% subconsciousness operates the person. So - it is not guilty, he did not want, it is not specially. In the same way happens also to you: you think that you act proceeding from logic and common sense, and actually deep processes which you do not even guess operate you.
When at least for a minute you realize this bottomless abyss which influences your life, even you do not know what to grasp. But time we are still somehow living, we will cope further. But we will try to expand borders of realized.
If you did not think of it specially earlier, toseychas it is possible to try to find the reasons for which you sometimes behave insincerely with your partner. I am sure that having remembered a number of situations, you will notice that the reason one is a fear. But, nevertheless, it is necessary to check. Begin the answer with such words: “ I do not say to the partner that I think of him actually because … “ Also make the list. It is possible to write to two columns: in the first - a situation, in the second - the reason for which you held back the feelings.
Then try to present what would be if you honestly reported at that moment about the experiences? At this moment you, most likely, will feel fear. And if more precisely - illusion of fear. Because you cannot know for certain as the partner will react to your sincerity, but the imagination will draw an episode in advance from your past which already before you frightened. Such episode could occur in the early childhood when your assessment of the taking place events was strongly far from objectivity, but emotional reaction was all the same fixed. Also frightens you to this day.
To get rid of this illusion of fear , it is necessary:
- to learn to notice the fear;
- to understand that that reaction of the interlocutor which you expect in response to sincerity - at all is not so terrible as it seems to you.
And still it is necessary to cease to imagine terrible in the future is just bad habit. To learn reaction of the partner, it is enough to begin to say of what you think of. Reaction will become clear immediately. And having given in to fear, it is possible to imagine for years terrible in the future and to suffer from an innuendo in the present.