Rus Articles Journal

Where happiness mushrooms grow?

my grandmother in due time, was still living, liked to gather mushrooms.

Was a good judge of them and taught me to knowledge of this seemingly simple business.

But not everything is so simple here.

Because the only species of mushrooms which should be collected which was collected by my grandmother - it is a veselka. (Or on scientific determinant of Clodt Embergaupten - phallus - phalluus).

The chief specialist and the recognized expert in this type of mushroom collecting today - Alexander Lukashenko.

The only natural area of distribution and natural reproduction of phallus which remained inviolable - phalluus is the Shameless beam of Bialowieza Forest well-known for the whole world. The natural boundary of century oaks, an alder thicket, wheat grass and cowberry long since was the place of the abnormal phenomena, a shelter of shamans, sorcerers, witch doctors of demons and other magicians. Here in a dense forest woolly bisons live and fructify and they during rutting only eat mushrooms.

Population of a sibling species a veselka terry in the territory of present France was exterminated in the XIII century by jealous monks of an award of gospitalyer.

Then the queen Elizabeth equipped expedition on searches of a mushroom. Headed group from four ships the captain Columbus to whom the queen allowed to try decoction from mushrooms of own preparation and who could not recede and break this word. It did not find mushrooms on open lands. Mexican an eutalpa kortakhenos, so pleased the seafarer as scientists found out, belong absolutely to other family.

The cruel repressions undertaken by the emperor Napoleon on lands of the subdued Europe did not yield results too - the mycelium was not found. It was necessary to go to Buonapart on Moscow. And there already Kutuzov was ready and at Borodino Field meadow honey agarics ripened.

Lev Trotsky, he is Bronstein, it Kollontay, he Iyegudiil Potskhaverman criminal bribery seized the copy of the confidential distribution map of a mycelium in the territory of the USSR, for masking of the true purposes arranged general hunger to distract peasants. And then cynically tried to forward the document in the diplomatic car with the courier abroad to the famous counterfeiter and the pedophile De Bill - to De Beers. But it was caught on hot, it is castrated by an ice axe and sent to the Shameless beam in the form of fertilizer.

Divisions of Wehrmacht and a special division CC under the personal order of the Fuhrer fall of 1941 surrounded the region of the Shameless beam. Fight with the guerrillas who sat down there was started. Guerrillas under Alexander Lukashenko (father Lukash`s) command did not want to be given and leave for anything the place of picnics and mayovkas chosen by Marxists.

But forces were unequal. SS-men smoked guerrillas from their dugouts. Took away all dried mushrooms. Loaded hundred thousand boxes into an armor echelon Great Kayser also sent in the mode of special privacy to Hitler`s rate. But the main objective of special forces of a division was - to find for phallus myceliums - phalluus and together with a fertile layer of the earth to transport in the Reich.

As all guerrillas were concentrated in other wood, and captured commissioners preferred heroic death to cooperation with invaders, nobody could specify the mycelium location precisely. Then Goebbels and command of east front made the decision to withdraw entirely all earth of the natural boundary Bialowieza Forest. Overtook for deaf-and-dumb prisoners from Austria and the Czech Republic. Delivered sixty structures of heavy machinery - graders, bulldozers, excavators and gribnitseukladchik.

But cavalry of Semyon Budenny blew up rails, fought off fascists in the wood structure with dried mushrooms and hunting to transport the earth in the Reich.

army ran wild after that, Budenny received three stars of the Hero of the Soviet Union and became the pensioner without the right of disclosure of military secret.

Brezhnev liked to joke, kissing the marshal on fluffy nafibrenny cavalry moustaches supposedly and I all the same will not show a mushroom to you any more! The marshal left on a stable and there cried bitter inconsolable tears.

Gorbachev Mikhail Sergeyevich consoled him as could and at the request of Raisa Maksimovna wanted to meet requirements of the people and to declassify distribution maps of strategic mushrooms a veselka, but the US State department led by Kondomliza Rice insisted on reduction of nuclear potential in exchange for the guerrilla dried mushrooms expropriated from fascists.

for the sake of world peace was necessary to offer the Soviet Union.

And now all hope that Alexander Lukashenko`s frontier guards will observe good-neighbourhood traditions and will not begin to shoot down in an emphasis with Kalashnikovs all mushroom pickers crossing mycelium area border from the Ukrainian settlement of Chaykino where the president of Ukraine Leonid Danilovich Kuchma was born and grew up.

And to Yulia Vladimirovna Tymoshenko as the prime minister - the minister of Ukraine from the second attempt it will be possible in peak of Russia under the guise of the roundabout gas pipeline on bogs of Belarus to lay and renew at last a historical way of Slavs from the Varangian to Europe - to an oasis of an oak dense forest where marvelous mushrooms a veselka which so liked to collect grow naturally my grandmother was still living.

On scientific - phallus - phalluus.]