The ships dispersed as in the sea... or How to be happy in marriage? Is severalof statistically confirmed conditions at which the probability of happy and long marriage increases, and so - if partners live in the small city or in rural areas, then the probability of divorce at a married couple decreases, approximate equality in the education, social and material status and lack of pregnancy before marriage is also important.
The subject of stains very big, enters it the whole class of the problems connected with experience of parting with the partner. Cases of jealousy and change (real or estimated), cooling in the relations belong to such problems, up to their termination or divorce, the problem and experiences connected with divorce process. There are some general regularities which were revealed by psychologists and sociologists, studying stains, and in the following articles it will be possible to investigate in more detail some strategy of the solution of problems at a rupture of the relations.
In one textbook on psychology such story is told. In 1971 some man wrote a love note to the bride, thrust it into a bottle and threw into the Pacific Ocean between Seattle and Hawaii. Ten years later some fan of jogging found its thrown out by waves on the beach. In a note there was the following message:
“ Even if by then as the letter will reach you, I will become gray-haired and old, our love all the same will be same young as today. Perhaps, this note will find you in a week, it is possible - in many years. If it never reaches you, it will be all the same written at me to heart, and I will make everything to prove the love to you. Your husband Bob “.
Found for the woman to whom this note was addressed by phone. Began to read a note. The woman burst out laughing. “ We are divorced “ - at last she said and hung up.
Really, so occurs often. Especially shocks us when we learn that people whom we considered " dispersed; in ideal couple “ the portrait of such family is known - lived more than 7 years, are well financially secure, have the certain apartment, one or two children who are adored by both the father and mother, never quarrel, etc. And looking at the English royal family, many are perplexed that else it is necessary for these people, they are rich, beautiful, they have in general a fantastic life, but also royal families were not passed “ epidemic of stains “.
Statistically, least of all get divorced in Bolivia, on Philippines and in Spain - 0,01% of total number of the population, and most “ getting divorced “ the nation in the world is the USA where 4,7% of the population get divorced annually. Now the number of divorces in the world exceeded the level of 1960 almost twice. As a rule, divorce happens within the first 7 years of family life, and the average duration of joint life at the divorced married couples makes 7. 2 years. In spite of the fact that divorce is possible at any age, young people get divorced more often than people of middle age, the number of divorces on 1 thousand population reaches a maximum in the period of an early maturity (20 - 24 years), and then steadily decreases throughout average (40 - 65 years) and a late maturity (65 years are more senior).
The rupture of communications causes excitement and constant reflections about the lost partner. After strong experience the phase of emotional discharge, and then, slow return to normal life begins. Even recently dispersed couples which davny - ceased to feel long ago to each other affection often with surprise for themselves find out that they have desire to appear near the former partner.
Strong and long attachments are seldom broken off suddenly. Separation is a process, but not an event. Love couples endure a rupture of subjects more painfully, than their communication was stronger and more long, and than less there are possible alternatives. Very painfully worry divorce and initiators of this process, and not just “ left “ initiators long live with sense of guilt for the fact that they hurt close, rejected his love. To married couples the gap sustains additional losses: the shocked parents and friends, restriction of the parental rights, feeling of guilty of violation of an oath of fidelity to a coffin. Nevertheless, millions of couples are ready to make this sacrifice if only to put an end to painful communication. It is possible to refer tenfold strengthening of the symptoms of a depression arising in a situation when the dissonance, than satisfaction is rather characteristic of marriage to number of tortures.
When relationship between spouses, divorce - not the only exit falls. Psychologists investigated three ways giving the chance to avoid a rupture of the relations. Some people show loyalty - passive, but optimistical expectation of improvement of a situation. Others (in particular men) indifferently watch how relationship continues to worsen, however at such position emotional explosion is inevitable, without talking, partners begin to think of life the friend without friend. At the same time the third will openly express the alarm and to make decisive steps to improvement of relationship - by discussion of problems, search of the necessary council and attempts to make changes.
Unhappy spouses behave equally worldwide - they are pig-headed, authoritative, inclined to criticize and suppress each other. Happy couples agree much more often, approve each other and laugh. It is not necessary to think that at normal marriage there are no conflicts, just the aspiration to reconcile contradictions and to overcome criticism love is characteristic of them. At successful marriage positive interactions (smiles, touches, compliments, laughter) prevail over negative interactions (sarkazma, not approvals, reproaches) at least in the ratio 5:1.
To be happy, spouses have to abstain from sharpnesses and a cowardly podlivaniye of oil in fire, honestly argue, state the feelings in a manner, not offensive for the opponent, and depersonalizing the conflict with the help of remarks of type: “ I know that it is not your fault “. In the western countries of the spouse, the marriage and to solve the problems of relationship in a family wishing to keep, psychological trainings where learn to build the relations with the partner in a new way sometimes visit.
For happiness in marriage we have to work on understanding of each other, creation and restoration of our love relationship constantly. Relationship is similar to buildings which begin to fall over time if not to support them and not to correct. The effort is required to prevent fading of love. The effort is required to overcome contentions, squabbles, and instead to find time for discussion of events of day, to give the chance each other quietly to state all the offenses, alarms and dreams. To those who are inclined to creation of the relations which are under construction on equality, credibility, mutual support the feeling of safety, pleasure, strong friendly love can come.
The opinion of some psychologists who explain stains with the fact that many married couples trust in myths about marriage is interesting. The myth is the excessive simplified opinion which operates perception of life and expectations of the person. Personal myths not only show how the person sees the past, they also play a role of some scenario on which depends as the person will act in the future. People act according to instructions which to themselves and make. However if expectations of the person are not realistic, then he prepares the soil for the failure in marriage. Try to write down the myth on the subject “ What do I expect in the future? “ or just compose the fairy tale - these texts will contain scenarios of your further life.
To a meeting in our heading!