What does people by the family? Secrets of family communication. It is always interesting to observehow of what bricks there is a communication in a family. For example, it can be both pleasant entertainment, and traditional ritual, and business communication, and evil manipulation, and live contact, proximity.
• As for proximity then it is about emotional bond. People can be physically close, and souls and their hearts - are shared. In the same way people can speak by phone for thousands of kilometers, but at the same time there will be a Meeting, they will be close each other more than ever.
How usual family communication proceeds? What pulls together people?
“ How are you doing? “
Usual question “ How are you doing? “ at a meeting of close people can be anything. In particular, it can be nothing the meaning greeting, daily ritual.
• Military salute at a meeting, in the Middle Ages it was necessary to make 16 ritual jumpings up, and here the same formality - it is necessary to say “ How are you doing? “ The interlocutor will also formalkno answer it: “ Normally “.
Neither at that, nor at other shower did not even shudder: the greeting was, the Meeting did not take place.
Another “ How are you doing? “ can be a business matter: I need information, and I it am given. The person here for me - only information source, no more than that.
“ Well, how are you doing? “ said with the corresponding intonation, can be the beginning of game - manipulations: “ Well, got “ when asking is already in advance sure that here something “ not that “ also gathers about it “ to cut “.
“ Hi! How are you doing? “ - maybe the beginning of entertainments, with implication: “ Tell what you know interesting “. Then begins more - less entertaining chatter in which people habitually while away time.
Well, and, of course, “ How are you doing? “ can become the proximity moment, live contact of the people loving each other.
“ How are you doing? “ here means: “ I am so glad you to see! At you at heart everything is good? “ and reciprocal “ Well “ it can be deciphered: “ I am very glad to see you too, and now with you nearby to me is just remarkable. “ These two met.
Probably, all these types, communication forms - both rituals, and entertainments, and business communication - have the right for existence.
• The only thing that to me it is not close, are games - manipulations. Yes, I know people to whom it is good when another it is bad, but I do not share this pleasure.
Other business, is important that we always gave each other what we need.
• We will assume, it is boring for it, she wants to have a good time, and it all on case and on business... Badly. But also on the other hand, - suddenly he needs to talk seriously, and it everything avoids conversation, - hikhank yes of a hakhanka. It will enrage him. Well and, probably, the most difficult option - when one wants heat, proximity, and another does not give it , replacing it in the communication easy chatter, the senseless and bothered rituals, especially, pricks of manipulations...
Plus, it is necessary to consider that communication is at all not only what is told by words. It is language of acts, views, contacts, steps to each other or from...
In this regard it is interesting to look, than there can be for spouses a sex. it is valid whether there can be a sex for them just ritual, tradition? - Of course. So, to many couples, already elderly and not inclined to creativity, it becomes brought: here Saturday approaches - they have supper, take a shower, lay down, and now they have a traditional intimacy. At someone sex can be entertainment in rainy autumn day when there is nothing to be engaged more. And whether sex can be business procedure? Yes, for example, serious procedure in conception of children. Let`s tell, spouses have with it problems, they long prepared, calculated days, and now the spouse in due form as it is necessary, carries out fertilization...
Unfortunately, sex can be also game - manipulation which will end, for example, with the remarkable phrase: “ And you will buy a fur coat to me? “
But, probably, people have to aspire to that for them intimate relations were true manifestation of proximity, trust, the moment of a meeting of two people loving each other.
Close people are how close?
Experience of proximity is glubinno necessary, apparently, for each person, and everyone suffers from his absence. What to us prevents to be relatives?
Rather loved one is the one who understands us. But it is difficult to understand Another, and one of the first obstacles I would call the EGOCENTRISM , i.e. inability or unwillingness to put myself to the place of other person.
There is the elementary experiment which is made often in practice of family consultation. The husband and the wife come, but ask to wait for the husband in a korikdor. The spouse begins brightly, in detail and figuratively to tell how dishonourably and badly her husband behaves. Then the consultant appeals to her to describe a situation on behalf of the husband. You what bewilderment, difficulty and confusion on a face of the wife would see. Oh, as she does not want to put herself to the place of the husband and to look at a situation and herself his eyes. “ Your husband, probably, would tell about the same in a different way. Here now we will invite him, - as he will tell about it? - Well, it naplett here. I - that tell as actually everything was... “
Not better (and, most likely, it is worse) her husband will prove to be in a similar situation at all.
• And try: remember a situation of the last house quarrel and try to describe a situation and yourself eyes of that with whom you quarreled! And it is difficult, and there is no wish because you look unattractively.
• Spouses lived together more than ten years, managed to swear already many times largely, and to here put itself to the place of another, to look on seven of his eyes, to try to understand it, - no, time, to be exact mind and sincere forces was not enough for it.
• Whether you are ready to similar experiment?
YOU CAN not CONSIDER THAT you are RIGHT. YET DO NOT LOOK AT the SITUATION with EYES of OTHER PARTY
By the way, it is not difficult to understand another at all. For this purpose it is enough even not to swear in quarrel, and to listen to opinion of the opposite side: “ I see a problem so. And how are you? “
There is one more similar experiment revealing mutual understanding between spouses and, by the way, promoting its improvement. Spouses are given paper leaflets, and they have to (everyone separately from each other) to add unfinished offers. What? For example, the phrase " is offered; I most of all appreciate in you... “ - also it is necessary to add 5-10 points, we will assume: decency, sense of humour, justice, your salary, love to me, tolerance... Everyone writes that to it it is important.
If in couple the unsuccessful relations, are offered them, as a rule, the following phrases:
- Often irritates me in you... (write quickly and vigorously; “ 10 points Are possible more, than? “)
- I want that you... (too write without difficulties).
- I appreciate in you... (It is already significantly more difficult. “ And less than 5 points are possible? “ Such feeling that they that - remember, probably, what was appreciated in each other earlier. And useful question, isn`t that so?)
- It is not pleasant to it in me... He wants that I... He appreciates in me... (all these points go with great difficulty, people with intense interest begin to look at each other as though for the first time...)
But it is necessary to warn what cannot be written, for example, on the " type; I am irritated in you that you are an egoist “.
• What means here? The fact that the husband likes to watch TV but not to study lessons with the son or does nothing on the house? (Or: “ And what he will eat in the morning, and will not wash the dishes after eating? “) Then, please, and write. Otherwise written by you it is unclear, but can hurt another.
Nobody cancelled still the ancient rule: “ The Person cannot be criticized, it is possible to criticize (naturally, kindly and structurally) only his actions “.
Now, after performance of this condition, spouses can exchange leaflets and discuss written. As a rule, it causes the most live interest and rough emotions. Many things become for them opening, and if discussion goes to the constructive course, it for both gives a lot of things.
• It is clear, that similar experiments can be made not only in family consultation and it is not obligatory in writing. In some, simpler and flexible form all this can occur within usual conversation between spouses.
• If such talk becomes family tradition, it will never be boring for spouses and sincere alienation will hardly threaten them.
Of course, all this assumes that spouses are able to talk on such subjects and it is elementary to listen to each other.